A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for three years and at first our sex life was amazing. We would do it every night in a variety of places and positions.... Of course I expected that it was begin to calm down but it has got to a point now when I literally have to grit my teeth and wait until it's over. I love this man and we have just bought our first home and will be moving in in a few months. We are engaged and generally a happy couple..but I just can't bring myself to have sex with him. It has become so predictable and all romance is out of the window, no matter how much I have tried to spice things up. I just don't have the motivation anymore and need some advice (and possibly a kick up the back side)
View related questions:
engaged, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 Yeah, you need to talk to him about this. He probably feels the same way, but both of you are sticking your heads in the sand and avoiding the topic, and just "gritting your teeth" to get it over with.
If you're both reluctant to bring it up, how can things ever change for the better? It takes two to tango, and your sex life declining and becoming dull is not just on him. It's on you too, despite you saying you have tried. Maybe you haven't tried what he needs. Maybe he tries as well, I mean he does do the deed, I assume in order to try and please you. How can he know you don't like it when you just lie there gritting your teeth rather than speaking up!?
You need to talk to him, and you both need to start communicating. It's not like he's a stranger, you shouldn't scared of talking to him about this. Sex does not always decline in a relationship, sex is just like any other thing in a relationship: it needs to be prioritized, worked on, nurtured and taken care of. Sounds like you have both neglected it for a while, thinking it'd fix itself. But this area of a relationship is just like any other area: if you put in the effort, it only gets better and better, not worse and boring... In all my relationships the sex only got BETTER with time, except for that one relationship I was in with a man who had a low sex drive and didn't want sex. In most of my relationships, the sex was absolutely amazing, especially towards the end, because we knew each other so well and knew what the other liked and we'd become experts at pleasing one another. So even after the rest of the relationship fell to pieces, the sex would still be awesome... In one relationship the sex was so great we knew we should break up because we weren't good together, but the sex had become so great we still hung on to one another even though nothing else worked, haha.
Just saying, it isn't like sex ALWAYS declines.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2014):
 You need to talk to him. If you find that too hard, TRY to SHOW him what you need.
When you say more romance, TRY to do what you would like HIM to do. As in, come home with flowers and a bottle of champagne.
Instead of "wishing" for more fun in the bedroom, go buy an erotic massage kit or edible chocolate paint and have some FUN with it.
What you two are doing (sticking your head in the sand) is killing your libido and his too. But I know it's easier to just not have sex then to TALK about it. However, NOT talking doesn't resolve anything.
And I agree with Euphoric29 - you say HE is boring and predictable in bed... well it takes two, so maybe YOU are boring and predictable too. Own that and CHANGE it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2014): If DC allows me to post links, you might like to try Orgassmic Meditation.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGMSmNMXXpU&feature=youtu.be
And.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QNI-1NZIx0&feature=youtu.be
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 August 2014):
Dear OP,
I don't want to give you a kick up the back side, I understand this is a problem. I can't give you a solution, but some ideas:
1) Please admit to your partner that there is a problem and say it in a way that he can't misunderstand. Don't just try to "spice things up" or "wait til it's over", because you gradually lose the intimacy with your man this way. He may not know how frustrated you are and that you are not enjoying what you are doing.
2) If "it" has become predictable.. you probably have become predictable, too. And got caught in a routine, relationship-wise and otherwise. The sex life may be a symptom and the cause may be that you two are around each other all the time. There is not much space left for longing, desire, waiting for the other one to get home, surprising each other with news that haven't been told already. So, my advice is to give each other some space to make new experience (not sexual experience, just in general), to discover new things, and to also go out sometimes with friends and not doing everything as a couple.
3) In order to change the sex life, you both need to change and adapt as a couple, so don't assume the problem is just on his part. If you see it as a general problem of the both of you, you will be less reproachful or bitter, which will, in turn, be very good for the relationship and create better solutions. I have some friends who complain about their boyfriends being "boring" in bed.. but it always takes two to tango. I think it's wrong to assume men need to please us and magically know how to do that. We women also need to do our part, which is communicating and showing our pleasure, desire and our boundaries without faking.
...............................
|
