A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here is my story...Well, I lost my virginity fairly late compared to others that I know. I was 20. Before that, I never was so into the idea of sex or felt that I needed it. I know this may be a taboo topic but if I wanted to pleasure myself, I could and quite successfully (but never by inserting anything (never tried), always through clitoral stimulation.) At 17 though, I caught a bad virus and from that developed a condition called Fibromyalgia (hence the username). It is characterized by widespread pain, it is not deadly nor is it curable which means that I have it for life. Sometimes I wish I had experienced sex before I got diagnosed so that I could compare how I feel. Anyway, the first time I had sex, it was with someone that I was falling in love with. I was in extreme pain and he had to stop before he could fully penetrate me. Looking back now, I realize that there was hardly any foreplay and I was very, very nervous. I am also a very shy person and I am usually shy about showing my body even though most guys have never given me any negative feedback about it. It's just how I feel. I know that first time sex IS usually painful in some way but we tried a few times after that and I still felt pain and tight. Part of me feels like maybe I was so tight because I had been so sexually inexperienced. Also, my boyfriend never really took his time with me or engaged in much foreplay. Everything was always rushed and I was always nervous. Our relationship also began to be very stressful for me. It was maybe the 4th time though, I was very relaxed and got up the courage to get on top, he penetrated me and I did not feel one bit of pain. Shortly after though, I developed a urinary tract infection. Then due to other issues, we broke up. I was heartbroken and completely turned off from sex. I was not with anyone for a year and a half, even though my ex tried many times to come back into my life and sleep with me. Well eventually a week ago, it happened (with him). I still felt pain. Not as bad as when I lost my virginity but it was still there. Again, it was rushed and I was NOT comfortable nor in the mood. Part of me feels like these emotions stem from the past stress and hurt he has caused me emotionally. I don't know. I also developed another urinary tract infection. All of my friends are saying that it's normal to be "tight" (that's what he kept saying I was) after being celibate for a while. But I have never experienced sex without pain. I don't know if it's related to my Fibromyalgia, if it's a mental thing or if I'm simply just not relaxed enough/wet enough from foreplay OR just not having enough/consistent sex in general. For a long time I was also squeamish about using tampons, I tried once a few months ago and after some practice got it in without pain but never used one again. I don't like the idea of fingers inside of me either, I feel like they are dirty or the nails will cut me or something. But the idea of a penis inside of me doesn't scare me because I think of it as soft and something that was made to be there. lol. The idea of sex also does not scare me, I really want to have a normal and enjoyable sex life with someone who cares for me (maybe I am with the wrong person). I get turned on and I feel the urge but I just don't want to feel any pain. It can be discouraging and I start to view myself as a failure. I turn down guys all the time because I do not want to have a bad sexual experience with anyone else. I feel that I waited longer than most to lose my virginity and now this? I started looking online and came across conditions like vaginismus or vulvodynia (which is even more related to fibro) and now I am paranoid. Anyway, I don't know if I am getting too worked up over this or what, it's not like I've had sex hundreds of times or with different people so I can't really compare how it felt. But the idea of pain is still making me worried since I DO deal with it on a daily basis throughout the rest of my body. I also had a gyno exam a year ago and it went fine and I have another scheduled for next week so we'll see how that goes.I have literally had sex 7 times in my life... the last time being a year and a half after the other 6 times... but shouldn't it have felt good at some point? I also get this burning feeling even after taking antibiotics for the UTI. It just radiates.I am scared and nervous and hating myself right now. Any advice? it would be greatly appreciated. :(
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broke up, celibate, engaged, foreplay, heartbroken, in the mood, lost my virginity, my ex, sex life, shy, tampon Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): Thank you all for the advice, I hope that one day I will be able to brag about my sex life like everyone else :(
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 Of course it should feel good nay, it should feel amazing. You'll find the right guy that has the slow hands and a gentle touch (to borrow some song lyrics) He will thrill your body for you and your heart will sing.
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A
female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (31 July 2010):
I second what fishdish is saying. Especially the peeing after sex part! Also, I hear cranberry juice is good for keeping UTI's away.
Definitely talk to your doctor! If you're nervous enough from your own internet diagnosis, its time to talk to your doc! There are a number of things that may be causing your pain, even something as simple as lack of lubrication (if/when you intend to have sex again, buy a bottle of plain water based lube and try it out, I'm sure it'll be much more comfortable at least!).
Good luck, and try not to feel defeated!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 July 2010):
 OK first of all- regarding UTIs, I HATE EM. if you want to be sure you don't get them, make your guy and you take a shower beforehand but most important (usually I JUST do this step) : pee after sex. but actually, they probably tell you that stuff at the doctors, i'd think. anyway bacteria from his junk i've been told mostly the balls/butt go in you and you are supposed to be able to expel any baddies through urination after sex.
#2- go to the doctor to rule out these conditions.
#3- you KNOW you're with the wrong person, i mean, at least in the bedroom. if you're going to keep him in your life, you GOTTA get him to go down on you or get you wet and go slow and basically NOT be a one man show.
#4- not everyone is your ex. there will be people that will do it much better and be more sensitive to your needs. protect yourself, and experiment! you can even say to your new lover, hey listen be gentle, if you trust the person you could tell them about your history of painful sex, or you could say something like be sure to revv me up something like that whatever your style is so they know you want to WANT sex (I'd like to think most guys want that whole mutual desire thing!).
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