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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife and I are 45 and 44. 2nd marriage for both. My wife (whom I love dearly) is EXTREMELY naive about sex in general. She won't go down on me and doesn't like me to go down on her (which I truly enjoy). "It's nasty". I tried to get her to tweak her own nipples during sex, cause I didn't have enough hands myself. Her response, "No, that's Gay!" She never grabs my penis on her own-I always have to move her hand there.. So I have the following questions:1-HOW can I get her to not think pleasuring herself is gay,2-Is there a way to get her to loosen up towards oral sex?3-How can I get her to grab for me without moving her hand myself?By the way..X-rated videos or magazines are totally out of the picture. She is completely against both.Help! Sex is the only place we have a problem- we never even argue!Thanks..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): I agree with a previous post:
"find a new wife (life's to short)."
I and my wife are the same age as you and yours. It's our 1st marriage. She's the same way with me as yours is with you. It's her upbringing by her mother - "sex is dirty".
After 20 years of marriage, sex has always been sporadic at best. She rarely will give me oral pleasure. She won't receive oral pleasure at all. She does feel pleasure but just can't accept it. It's fear - plain and simple. She can't let go - kind of a control issue with her. We went to a marriage counselor 15 years ago and it only helped me to understand how my really wife is and how she views sex.
A person (your wife/my wife) can change - but only if they acknowledge it and want to. It is the premise behind Alcoholics Anonymous's 12 step plan (1st step acknowledge your an alcoholic?). If your wife, like mine, doesn't acknowledge it and want to change, it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!!! YOU'RE IN DENIAL!!!
How can you tell if she doesn't want to acknowledge she has a problem? She denies she has one.
How can you tell if she doesn't want to change? She will refuse to go or continue to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist to get better (for either her or you).
You are aware there are some women who ACTUALLY ENJOY being intimate with a man and giving and receiving sexual pleasure? There are also women who don't and never will. Sorry to break the bad new to you buddy - we both have the latter...
signed,
- I'm planning to divorce my wife soon ...I got to the end of my rope and had to let go -
P.S. Don't listen to the Christian bullshit quoted from a verse - they don't know jack about marriage or women - they live in a dream world...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): find a new wife (life to short)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): My friend this is a serious situation, but this is the thing she might be scared, it doesnt matter how long you and her have been marrried for this is were you see her shame and it is not so bad; i mean there are female who dont think talking about sex is good they thhink it is nasty.but are you going to stop talking about sex? no!you just got to analyse the situation properly and always have a plan. dont force her to do nothing that she dont want to do when you two are relaxed one day mention the topic and ensure that no one is around at that time and first tell her how much you care and love her, how much you appreciate her then say "honey; there is a problem in our relationship and if you love me you would want me to be happy and i want to make you happy too but you got to trust me" and that way you will get her confidence.but you must never at any point tin time engage in pornography because it destroy marriages and you dont get what you want from your wife or appreciate her that way. but if all work out keep us update. but dont leave her because of that if your getting sex thats good enjoy it and take it slow she will come around one day.i must say that to find a piece of "gold" is not easy and when you find it you need to put it were no harm com to it many people dig down a mountain jus to find a piece of gold, but how many find it? very few but many of those who find it handle it carelessly and think that because they found on more can be found but the wise one understand and remember the agony and the pain and trouble that he went through to find it and treasures it to life.my friend thats how a good woman is and for any female who reads this it is the same thing for the man. dont let them out of your sight or sell him/her out for sex, money, friend, nothing or no one.the scripture said that marriage is honourabl and the bed is undefile. so anything that is done in bed when a man and a woman is married it is good. but all things are lawful but all things are not expedient so even though anything goes not everything goes. enjoy your sex enjoy your wife and have a great life.written by Troy SmithPentecostal Christian At theF.C.U.P.C
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (27 October 2005):
 You may be going a be quick for her in your desperation to have a good time. Try slowing down a bit, even if you have to mastubate to finish it off later. Women can take ages to wind up to full sexual arousal so it could be that you need to tempt her a little by holding back yourself.
I know this may be really difficult for you, but try noticing what she responds to rather than what you want her to do for you. Try a little at a time, first just the basics of simple loving and caressing, then just proceed a little to what she finds most acceptable. If she will let you, try just gently stroking her clitoris with three fingers, and gently, gently massaging that area. If she starts coming to orgasm, stop and wait. You own body may feel bursting at the seams but this can be a turn on for her. Get her confidence first, that you do this with affection and her needs in mind, rather than treating her like a toy like needs to go at full throttle before you can enjoy the thrill. Also, you could try getting her to talk about why she feels so restrained.
This can take a few weeks of extended patience on your behalf, but it doesn't pay off, I agree with Irish, and it may be better to seek professional sex threrapy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): The reasons that your wife may not be enjoying sex are complex. Mental conditioning from her upbringing is obviously a big hinderance here. Sexual experiences in a marriage reflect the mingling of the mind and the body. What goes on in her mind is being greatly affected by everything that has gone on in her life, up to this point. I am wondering why she refuses to learn more when you are using your patience, skills, gentleness and care to help her lose these hang-ups. I'm concerned about her attitudes to sexuality and what is going on in her mind as you and she are making love. I really think she needs some help from a sex therapist to have a mediator tell her that many of the various sexual techniques you try with her, are in fact, quite healthy and normal. Lovemaking between two people who deeply love each other is a give -give situation. Both should be willing to try new techniques (within reason)
Sex does not have to include hanging from chandeliers to be satisfactory. Also, examine your own feelings and you may be finding that your sex life is boring compared to articles or information you read in magazines or see on TV, but in real life, it is actually fine. On the other hand if you really feel that you would like to improve things, you need to work at it in a non-threatening, non judgemental way. You need to communicate well and above all you need to be committed to your relationship. Women who feel little pleasure from sexual activity need to consider the different possibilities that might be at the root of it: whether they feel sufficient trust and emotional closeness with their partner, or whether issues from their past are interfering. Counselling will help her..please consider supporting her by going with her.
Good luck
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (22 October 2005):
Your wife is selfish, self centered, immature, and ignorant as a post about sex. She is a brat. She is married only because social convention demands that she be, in her mind. ( Actually, most people could care less if you are married to the person you live with). YOu think your marriage is perfect except for the sex? You are kidding yourself. Of course she doesn't want to see X-rated movies. She might learn that all her ideas about sex are wrong! Unless she will get professional help, leave her. This will only get worse for you, and the marriage has already started to disintegrate. You just don't see it. When you marry you make a commitment to be your spouse's lover, and to be faithful to him/her. Part of that agreement is to teach him how to pleasure you, and insist that he teach you how to pleasure him. The other part of the agreement is that it is your job to pleasure him. Most couples struggle to find a balance between to different sexual levels of interest. If they try to compromise, and find some place between what he wants in frequency, and activities, and what she wants, they make each other miserable. Sex is not about being miserable, and neither should be marriage. Rather than " compromising " in the literal sense, it works best if they agree to do it his way for awhile, and then her way for awhile. Eventually the two levels of sexual arousal and interests tend to come together( pun intended !, but only because it is there.)And, for all the readers, just sitting down before marriage, or during the honeymoon, to make a list( mental or written) of what your honey wants from you and that is that for the rest of your life, is so wrong. Sex is a topic that you will have to visit many more times, as people's interest in sex, positions, methods, toys, etc. change as they gain more experience, become bored with doing the same old thing that used to send them, but no longer does, and want to explore new ways of having fun. Sex is Adult Play time. What is wrong with your Wife's answers is that this is not Fun to her! She is not having fun- Playing with you- with you. How can either of you enjoy having sex if you are not having fun, also? When people make sex work( and most people do) they make it misery. Get her professional help, or get away from her.
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