A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am extremely good at going down on my girlfriend, but she's getting tired of it and wants me to actually have sex with her now. Theres one problem though: I have not had a lot of sex in my life, and when it comes down to do the damn thing, I get nervous that I wont perform well and boom! I lose my erection and the nightmare becomes reality. How can I stop these negative thoughts? Help me PLEASE!!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Buddy, let me be honest with you. 'YouWish' has great advice, but it's a womans advice for a man's issue; relevant and useful, but not addressing the whole problem.
Understand that in the end, having sex with her is about both of you enjoying yourselves, it's about satiating the need and not about being a Sex God or somesuch bull crap. As men we are raised with a strongly competitive streak, we want to be better at whatever we put our minds to.
This isn't a good mindset for sex, it's not a competition. If this girl cares about more than how often you get her off (which I'm assuming) then she isn't stacking you up on a scoreboard against all her previous sexual partners (if any).
Don't fall into the common male self-esteem traps such as being 'the best she's had' or 'doing it like a /man/' (i.e. long, hard, raunchy sex). Instead, do something entirely natural for us guys, and focus on her tits or ass, (or feet, if that's your thing) etc, etc, etc.... instead of doing any actual thinking.
I'll tell you a little bit of truth. My very first sexual encounter that would have went to full intercouse? I couldn't do it, nervous.
The second time? Same
The third? Meh.
Why? I was nervous. It turns out that most girls around your age are just as inexperienced as you are, and, considering this, you are probably more likely to perform well enough to 'please her' than you fear.
Also, if you masturbate often try cutting back, or stopping for awhile. IF you simply cannot do that, try different ways about it.
Also, you might want to take more active steps towards not thinking about that 'moment of penetration'. Instead of looking at her and yourself, waiting, with a horrible anticipation, for it to go soft, try closing your eyes and letting her guide you in instead. If you normally try it on top, let her try the top.
Have you been using condoms? It's possible that your condom is too tight if you are large (getting the right fit is more important than you'd assume, at first), or its possible that the brand you use (if any) has a numbing agent on the inside (designed, laughably, to make a man last /longer/ in bed.)
Assuming none of these things works? See a doctor. Don't be embarressed about it. I'm 24 years old, I took viagra for awhile and eventually I stopped needing it, because I was no longer nervous.
As a last resort, you might try building yourself up to rather severe levels of arousal and intentionally denying yourself till the right time comes, this should help as by the point you're ready and all you'll probably be half mad with lust and the fear /should/ be the last thing on your mind.
Just be careful not to lose sight of her pleasure, or of taking your time and really, really enjoying it, in the face of that last resort.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Agrees with, "you wish".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): RELAX! Us women are not all about the penetration aspect of sex. Most of our enjoyment comes from the slow process of working up to that point. We are like "crockpots" not "microwaves"! Sex starts early in the day and simmers until the evening. The touching, verbal conversation, teasing is ultimate! The previous poster hit the nail on the head. Maybe you AREN'T ready for the sex. That's ok! You are only thinking of sex as penetration. When you take your time and your lady is really feeling your affection....that is what will turn you on and your body will probably do its thing on its own. Don't think about it so much....she isn't! Have fun and RELAX!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Great advise"you wish"... wow don't have anything to add.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Like I would tell a woman, if you're not ready, do not feel pressured into having sex!
However, if you do want to, but are too nervous, remember that sex isn't a performance to her. It's an expression of love, and if you are kind, caring, and take the time to caress her and kiss her, and enjoy everything without worrying about how you "perform". The penis isn't the end-all be all of sex. She wants to feel the intimacy of you being in her. Think of it as exploration and take your time. If you lose the erection, don't stop the sex. Switch to something else. Your hands and lips are actually your greatest tools.
The problem is if you rush right to the privates. TAKE YOUR TIME. Get to know every inch of her body.
But if you're not ready, then you're not ready. :)
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