A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel as if there is something wrong with me and I am frustrated with myself for feeling the way that I do. When I am seeing a new partner, as soon as we have sex I suddenly become completely disinterested in anything intimate with them. This has always puzzled me as I am very invested in intimacy before the actual sex itself, but once it has happened I suddenly do not want any of it any more... Foreplay, sex, even kissing. I do not sleep around, and I am not looking for intimate encounters but I feel awful coming on so sexually strong and then suddenly being uninterested, it confuses the people I have been with in the past.Last night I slept with a guy I have been seeing and we were both virgins in that respect (having sex with another man). But now I feel like I am not interested in him that way any more. I feel bad as I do not want to hurt his feelings, and I also do not want him to think that I was just after sex. I also feel a bit horrified at myself for letting him have sex with me, I am interested in men but I suddenly feel very ashamed of myself and dirty - this is also how I feel with women. Sex makes me feel so disgusted in myself, but only afterwards because in the lead up it is always what I want to do at the time. I feel like a horrible person but equally I do not know why I have this light switch effect. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2017): I have a couple of questions to help me better understand.Are you sexually attracted to people? [if you are then your not asexual because asexuals can still enjoy sex just not get sexually attracted to people or not more than a couple of people in their lifetime]Are you cis male or trans male? Do you have any hangups about your body that may interfere with how you feel about sex?Is there any trauma in your past regarding this?I don't think it's remotely about gay relations as you said you feel the same when having sex with women.How many sexual partners have you had?Is your desire high medium or low?Do you enjoy sex and only feel negatively after or do you feel negative about it most of the time unless you happen to be in the mood?What was your first encounter like and how old were you? Reason I ask is in case it shaped your feelings.Do you feel mentally well or unwell? If unwell do you have any mental illness?How did you learn about sex? Did your parents bring it up or school education? Have you ever had religious things engrained in you about sex being dirty?I know that must seem like a lot of questions but there's so much variety with why you may feel this way that knowing more about you would help us give good advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): Maybe if you are up for just straight sex, you can let your partner know before you go through with the act. If they are on the same page, you won't have any guilt. And if they are not, then you did the right thing anyway because they might not engage in sex with you if they had more in mind. So, either way you would have no guilt.But maybe you need to look at casual hook up sites. I suspect you are not ready for a serious relationship nor have you found somebody you are interested in pursuing beyond sex. I believe that when you do find the right one, you will be open to being intimate with that person and you will want to stick around even after you have had sex.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 So, tell me about your childhood. 99% chance the root of your problem lies there. Religious fanatics who told you sex was a sin, or worse: sexual abuse or adults who in other ways did not respect your boundaries.
You feel dirty because at some point, you were taught that sex was dirty. Up until you have sex is when you are being true to yourself. You are happy, passionate, and feel good about yourself. Then after sex comes there dark feelings and thoughts, abnormal thoughts about "dirty", which plays to childhood associations.
Think back. Find your answers. Talk to a therapist. And just know this: you are never dirty. Sex between two consenting adults is a beautiful thing. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): I agree with WiseOwl that maybe external negative attitudes to homosexuality may be playing a part in your subconscious. It's annoying what the mind can do to you sometimes!But maybe there are other underlying reasons. For example, many men's bodies 'close up' after sex, to varying degrees. For me, after sex, I don't like sexual contact and my skin becomes irritable and sensitive. I can manage a hug, but a replay is out of the question for a long time! Some men don't experience that, some men experience it in a much stronger way. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing on a much larger scale?Thing is, at the end of the day, we are all different. Maybe that's just the way you are when it comes to sex. The thing is, if you are as worried as you say you are about the situation, then it will create a conflict in your mind and this can potentially causes some bigger problems.I would strongly suggest speaking to a therapist, even just to help understand yourself better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): Thank you for your response, I do agree with you to some extent and I appreciate the clarity - that said I should have mentioned that I do feel an emotional connection with the people I have been with and even after the sex, I have never just dissappeared or used someone simply for sex. For instance the guy I am currently seeing and had sex with (after a few months of just kissing and touching) I have no intent to stop seeing him and I still enjoy being close, just not sexually. He is a wonderful person and I feel very connected to him, but in regards to intimacy the switch is off. I have been questioning whether I may be asexual, but that does not quite fit as during the early stages of a relationship I feel sexual, until after the sex. I do not have an active sexual desire until I am very close with someone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): I meant to also include that alcohol consumption lowers the inhibitions; and often will make you amorous, and even slutty.
So watch your alcohol-intake if you're out flirting and having a good time. It's good to have a tag-along friend to remind you when you're getting a little tipsy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): The guilt comes from being told nearly all your life that being gay is sick, immoral, and depraved. You're not sure if it is really a choice, like some so adamantly preach. So the sex-act is fine; until you stop and think about it.
Over-thinking is the enemy of inner-peace; and gnaws at the
soul. It gives instant-replays of all your naughty deeds and you ruminate on even your oldest of sins. We must rely on those values handed down from our parents until we are mature enough to develop our own identity, independence, and opinions. Then there's self-acceptance. Pride and confidence that has to be shaped, home-grown, and acclimated into our lives.
If you are newly out, you're just experimenting and using sex to gain attention and validation. You need it to feel attractive and desired. Once that is fulfilled; you feel dirty for seducing a guy into having sex with you. You didn't really have any feelings for him; so the sex was purely for self-gratification. To make you feel wanted and desired; but otherwise it was totally meaningless.
Stop seducing people until you actually find someone you like. You can't loathe who you are, and really connect well emotionally with other people. Self-love is important before venturing out to make emotional-connections with others.
You contradicted yourself by claiming you don't sleep around. So how did you come to such low opinion of yourself without ample sexual-activity to have an opinion, one way or the other?
The gay-community is sex-driven, conceited, and narcissistic; because parents don't teach their gay kids how to handle our gay feelings and how to conduct a meaningful gay-relationship. We learn by trial and error. If we're lucky, we find an older mentor to protect us from ourselves and others.
You may have been taught all of your life sex is dirty and shameful. It is hard to move past things drilled into your mind since you were a child. You have to experience life on your own and base your feelings and emotions on fact; not just perception. You also have to come to terms with who you are.
There is no perfect 50/50 attraction towards males and females; if you are bisexual. You may desire one gender more than the other; or have only sexual-attraction for one, and more emotional and sexual-attraction to the other.
Don't seduce or entice people into having sex, just for the sake of it; or to feed your ego. You actually should feel somewhat ashamed of just using people; and having no regard for their feelings. There should be some feeling of remorse for taking advantage of people for liking you.
Like far too many young gay men; you are feeding your vanity and starved for attention. You're tapping into the wrong emotions when you have sex. It's lustful, but not meaningful. Because at the core of who you are, you're really a good guy. You know it isn't right, but your need for approval and to feel attractive is your main drive. Not your true affection towards your partner.
You'll be okay. You have a good prognosis. Your post is an indication you have a conscience; but you're confused and a little misguided. You haven't met anyone you really care for; but you feel you have to act on your sexual-impulses just because you have them. Animals act on pure instinct; while we humans rely on our sense of logic, self-discipline, and intellect. We are guided by our emotions, and can summon self-control when appropriate.
Exploring your sexuality is often confusing. Coming to terms with who you are and establishing your real sexual-orientation is sometimes a challenge when you're a gay/bi man over 25 but under 30. Most of us gay men can relate to your mixed-feelings. It's a part of accepting yourself, and not being driven too much by the opinions of others.
I've been in your shoes. I feel you completely. You'll outgrow it. The fact you're now cognizant of it is proof.
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