A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:*OP's suggested title*My wife and I are both 50. We have been married for about 25 years and she has always tried to give me the impression that she only has a passing interest in sex. Even when we were dating, sex was a bit hit and miss. Sex always has been on her terms. We have 2 teenage children.About 10 years ago I tried to spice up our sex life. I suggested she buy negligee which she did and I also bought a vibrator. She was up for the negligee bit but was a bit mortified about the vibrator but after a short while we incorporated it into our sex life and things were fairly good. But things gradually went back to the way they were. Last year I discovered that she was using the vibrator on an almost daily basis. I found this very hard to handle. I became very insecure and it consumed me completely. I finally plucked up the courage in a round about way to draw up the subject. I began by asking her if she had any sexual desires and she said that she hadn't really and that she had little or no interest in sex at the time. I then told her that I knew she was using her vibrator very regularly and she lost it. She denied that she used it but eventually admitted that she used it the odd time if she had a passing urge. When I told her that I knew that she was using it almost every day because it was always in a different place beside the bed in the morning she kept up the denial. And the arguement soon changed to me spying on her etc. which was true I suppose and was something I didn't feel good about. She insisted that her using it was a personal matter and none of my business. I told her it was my business as I felt that her using it so much meant that I would have no sex life. I've always said to her that I believed that she hides herself sexually from me but she's always denied that. Anyway, we had a kind of a compromise and things improved slightly after that but soon slipped back to normal again. Over the past 2 months she has been using it more than ever. I get up before her and she uses it while I'm downstairs making the kids lunches etc. before she gets up. And she uses it most nights also. She goes to bed earlier than I do. I have become insecure beyond belief over the whole thing. I really want to confront her about it but it will cause a huge arguement again about me "spying" on her and it will get me nowhere because we'll be back to square one again next month. The whole thing has taken over my life. All day long at work I obsess about it. I wake up at night thinking about it. My stomach is knotted every morning in the kitchen while she's still in bed. I really don't know where to go from here and I really could do with some constructive advice from people here. (Please don't post criticising me for spying on her etc. I know that it's wrong and it's causing me torture by checking everyday but obsession about the whole thing has taken over completely.)I have never had any counselling but I'm wondering if it would help. Maybe I'm looking for someone to convince me to accept things as they are. Has anyone here been through something like this? How did you deal with it? How did things work out?Please help or advise me. I can't keep going like this!
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female
reader, Ngima  +, writes (19 May 2010):
sincerely i have never been in such a situation, but i find your wife selfish. for my advise, don't let her alone with the vibrator and remember taking it away from her doesn't help because she can easily buy another one. just make sure that u go to bed together and leave the bed together. the urge may make her want to use it when you are in bed with her, and if that happens be courageous enough to tell her on the face that she is not only hurting you but herself and the relationship. this may make her open up and accept professional advisei know its stressing but don't let it consume you that much.all the best
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Go to bed at the same time as her. Then find reasons for her to be up in the morning at the same time as you. Or simply, if she keeps denying that she uses it, take it away from her. I mean if she denies using it that often, she shouldn't be objecting... Make it darn impossible for her to spend private time with the vibrator. Don't get me wrong, she can have private time as much as she wants as long as you are 100% sure the vibrator isnt with her. I am sure it wont be long until she starts wanting it, and then be open and nice and say you want to use it with her. By then her urge to use it should be so great she will agree to letting you in her private life again, and use the vibrator with you present.
Once things get better, keep it up! Make sure they don't slip back. My suggestion here is only one, with a high chane of not being sucsessful, but I doubt your wife will agree to go to councelling. She sounds to be in denial of everything.
Best of luck!
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