A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy at uni a few months ago and i guess we sort of became fuck buddies having mostly drunken sex. It hasn't been constant but before Christmas it was happening regularly and it turned into a more friends with benefits as we spent more time together and talked more. Over the Xmas holidays we texted every day and we were talking about carrying it on when we got back to uni and having sober sex which we both wanted to happen. When i got back to uni though i didn't see him for a week because of exams but he started being a bit blunt over text and seemed a bit off. I saw him on a night out and he was really quiet when i spoke to him so i asked him if id done anything wrong and if he wanted me to back off but he didn't really say anything. We did end up sleeping together that night which probably wasn't the best idea. It didn't feel the same as before tho, he didn't really say much and i left early. He now hasn't text me today which he always does even if its blunt conversation. I don't whether to leave him alone and let him be the one to speak to me if he misses me or to ask him out straight or text him saying that i don't know why things have changed. Its just weird how he's changed so suddenly and now can barely talk to me. I don't know if he wants to end it altogether or maybe he wants more than sex from me, either way i just wish he'd tell me what's going on.
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christmas, drunk, friend with benefits, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 January 2016):
You see this as a relationship. He sees is as sex without commitment.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2016):
 I'd leave him be as well.
If he ONLY wants sex and you want more... then well, he isn't a good fit for you.
If YOU only want sex and he wants more, then YOU are not a good fit for him.
Maybe he doesn't know WHAT he wants and if he can't ARTICULATE it.... what's the point in trying to get it out of him?
Leave him be, and STOP having drunken sex. It only makes a mess out of things.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 January 2016):
 Sounds to me like he has lost interest and is now moving on. That's what happens in these kind of relationships, and I just hope now you can move forward without feeling hurt.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 January 2016):
 IF you want more with him... then the best bet is to totally leave him alone and let him come to you.
I did this with my LDR NSA FWB (that's a lot of initials for a relationship) I was NOT available for anything other than fun and games... that was 2011. I kissed my now husband goodbye this morning.
He once told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because I LEFT HIM AlONE to FIGURE IT OUT....
He was truly the first man I was involved with that I did not care if he cared or not. He was my side piece (with permission) and it was just fun...IT WAS never our intent to fall in love and get married.
You may not hear from him for 2-4 weeks... assume it's over and done and move on... when he gets in touch you can make a decision then.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 January 2016):
 It looks like you both got to uni' and started bonking like crazy because you could. And yes it's fun but you forgot about the other part of being in a relationship. The thing that makes it special is: love, care, respect. The physical side becomes hollow without those parts.
CindyCares has written a full and thoughtful consideration of your situation.
I would say that sex is a gift you give to someone you care for. If it is just the both of you getting your rocks off it ain't gonna' last no matter who.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2016):
 I doubt that he wants more than sex from you, because if he does, being blunt, ignoring you and keeping you at arm's length is surely not the best way to show you that he wants more, and I bet he knows that , no matter how young or inexperienced or relationship-challenged he is.
But even in case I am wrong, I'd still advise you to leave him to his own devices and give him all the space he wants. Don't try and shove down his throat your love/ attraction / infatuation . Let him figure things out by himself. If he still wants you he'll tell you, you can bet on that. At which point, it will be up to you either resuming your previous "relationship ", or deciding that he is too moody and unreliable for your tastes. But forcing the issue wouldn't work, I think.
I also think that what happened is very simple and usual. Sex , even the best , hottest sex, ultimately is not the be all and end all of everything. In fact, if there's nothing else but physical pleasure between two people, it may get old and stale pretty soon.
I'l bring up my usual " steakhouse " example once again. Suppose you are invited to some fancy expensive steakhouse to eat a juicy, delicious steak. Awww yummy....GOOD. Then, the second time, it is still yummy and good, sure, and the third, and the fourth... but by the fifth time most people will say : Enough already ! I just want some cheap, greasy McDonald 's food !
It's not that McDonald 's food tastes better than the best steak in town- but at least, it's new . It's different. It's another thing.
Most often that's the problem with recreational sex, that if you don't find out there's something other than physical gratification, something mental or emotional or go-figure what , ... the recreation is not that fun anymore and ends up with being something that you can either take or leave, no problem.
Yeah but why all of a sudden ? Why so out of the blue ? Saturation should not come more lowly and gradually ?
I guess so... but I have a theory about his rather brusque pulling away ( unless of course he is going through serious health/ family / money problems, which of course I have no way to know ). So : I think that for him it was fun and exciting until it was totally spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment, " I'll see you when I see you ".
Your attempting to introduce even a small element of planning, of predictability, of... committment in a way , even the very slight comittment of: ok let's say we'll hook up this friday night... is a bit of a downer to him and he found out it cooled his ardour.
In other words he wants to stay away from anything even vaguely relationship-y. He wants to feel free to blow your phone with texts one week, if so he wishes, BUT without you having expectations for the following week, and pouting or asking explanations if you don't hear from him at all.
My impression is that he neither wants to end it altogether nor to make it last ; it sounds to me like a guy who likes his casual things... VERY casual.
I hope I may be wrong... but, again, even so I would not chase after him or force him to a showdown. If he wants something from you- whether it's jsut sex, or friendship, or a relationship - well, he has to do his part too ,right ? You can't be the only one to do all the thinking and guessing and planning and strategizing. Let him be , and see what happens. And if nothing happens : good riddance !, I think you could aspire to something more fulfilling than a reluctant, standoffish casual sex partner !
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