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anonymous
writes: Well, my sex life is - in a word - boring.Now she has told me she has only had 2 orgasms in nearly the 3 years we have been together and has been faking it for the rest of the time.I really need help because I'm very active whereas she isn't, and it's killing me.It's to the point where I'm having second thoughts about our relationship. She never gets aroused, and sex is not exciting. She also said to me it was like a chore.Basically, her idea of a good sex life would probably be once or twice a month, but says she wants to change. I think it's my fault persoanlly, and to be frank, I'm growing apart from her due to this....Thanks
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 April 2005):
 Judging from my own "scientific research" - ie: the way my friends discuss this - it's more common than not in long-term relationships. Women can cope with it, but men are universally frustrated.Try to see it from your partner's point of view and remembering some basic female anatomy: women have very few nerve endings in the vagina (childbirth would be impossible if they did), so unless she's getting a lot of clitoral stimulation either before or during sex, it can feel like nothing. It can even be uncomfortable.Then ask yourself: if sex felt like nothing to you, and no orgasm was guaranteed, how interested would you be? Wouldn't once or twice a month seem OK if it felt about as erotic as having your elbows tweaked?Men seem to think women are lucky, because we have "sex on tap", but if it's boring sex with no climax, is it any wonder that your partner isn't all that keen?To keep her interested, you need to make sure that she's getting her share of pleasure and - with apologies to missionaries everywhere - normal penetrative sex rarely does that for women. Get out of any ruts you might have developed, particularly sex just before going to sleep, when she may be worn out and feeling disinterested.When she's just fresh out of the shower, offer her oral! Nothing gets women in the mood quicker than that. Find out what her fantasies are, and play on them. Fulfill silly role-plays with restraints. Invent some new positions. Let her demonstrate masturbatory techniques while you watch. Try spontaneous sex at different times of the day. Some women are 'way too tired in the evenings and feel like crap in the mornings... but at 10AM, they're all Go.Maybe you just have to accept, to a certain degree, that female sex drives rarely match males'. I know in my relationship there are times when I just tell him, "go for it!" and we agree that we'll let that one be just for him, without his worrying about me. That kind of compromise might also work for you.Don't give up, though. Sexual incompatibilities are always going to be an issue; it's just the way women are built. Try to see sex as a component of your relationship and work around any problems.Good luck!!
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reader, hlyberry3 +, writes (4 April 2005):
It is hard for guys to understand women, just as it is for women to understand men. Don't take it personally about the faking situation, if all the men in the world only knew how easily and often these things are faked. It can still be enjoyable though we don't orgasam. Your friends sex drive could be low, which is affected by a lot of different things...maybe even her birth control if she is using. If she wants to be more physical but hormonally isn't feeling it, then she should talk to a doctor about options she has. Have you tried and asked her what she needs in bed? What works for her? It sounds like your open about talking in the bedroom...maybe she just needs to show you what she likes....And the things she says to you are probabaly out of frustration....she seems like she herself is frustrated with not enjoying it.
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