A
female
age
30-35,
*etsgetweird
writes:This is gonna be long, but I really need advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. I love him so very much. I have had millions of best friends in my life (girls) and all of them have either moved away, drifted apart, or we stopped being friends because of a fight, etc. After losing my last best friend I decided to stop having friends and just focus on work and school. The only friend I have in my life is my boyfriend - my best friend. He is always there for me, would never leave me like my friends, and I absolutely adore him. The only thing is, I do not want to be intimate with him. And to be completely honest, we have never 'made love', There is only one time I would consider us making love and that was about 2 years ago.The last boyfriend I had was completely different. We couldn't keep our hand off of each other. Just so much passion and love for two years. We would make love ALL the time. We would always kiss for hours, cuddle, talk, and just have really great chemistry in every aspect. We didn't work out obviously, and I love my current boyfriend so much more, but I miss this aspect of my old bf a lot. (Not the actual person, just the chemisty). My bf and I do not have that at all. To be completely honest, he is bad at being intimate. He's just not smooth at all. For example, this morning, I felt really bad for not being intimate so I started giving him tons of hugs and kisses, just closed mouth sweet kisses and all of a sudden he tries to shove his tongue in my mouth. It really grossed me out because it was not a time to try and make out since I had to leave for school in 5 min, besides, I don't want a guy just shoving his tongue in my mouth. He's so hasty about everything like that. I tried again to be intimate when I got home and started giving him kisses again. After literally 45 seconds of just closed mouth pecking he tried to push me down and have sex with me. I just hate it! He's not romantic or smooth. He gets turned on by everything, I swear. He'll slightly wake up in the middle of the night and cuddle me and he'll just be rubbing my arm and that turns him on. I can't even peck him for 1 min without him getting a boner. And i'm like no, i'm not even turned on at all it's been ONE MINUTE. Oh and it gets even better, whenever I do decide to cave in and have sex with him, he never lasts more than two minutes. I haven't had sex for more than two minutes in the last 3 years. He also has a smaller penis so I can't feel anything. I could get over the penis/not being able to last long if only he was able to not be hasty and actually turn me on. But he can't. He gets turned on so fast and it's not romantic, I don't even want to touch him like that. BUT I just love him so very much. He's my best friend, and like I said, he would never abandon me like everyone else. He will always be there for me and love me unconditionally. I don't want to lose him, but honestly, I just love him as a best friend. BTW I have tried talking to him about being hasty 'cause like I said, I could get over everything else but it is impossible to talk to this man about anything intimate. He gets so mad and defensive quickly and he only picks up the negative aspect of what I am saying instead of trying to take what I'm saying and change. We have really bad communication which is what I think ultimately led to my distance intimately, but honestly, the romantic connection between us was never strong. We just get along so well and are best friends and love each other so much and that's why we started dating. I don't know what to do. He would not settle for just being my friend. I don't want to lose him. But I don't ever want to be intimate with him either.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2013):
 have you discussed with him how women operate sexually? that we need at least 20 minutes of GOOD foreplay to become aroused?
have you discussed his oral skills or lack of them with him?
have you told him what you need or do you expect him to read your mind.
my husband loves me more than any man ever has but he is a lousy lover and I know this. I knew this when I married him but I was ok with it because he's a great cuddler, a good kisser and he grasps the whole concept that cuddling and necking to not have to lead to sex...
if he can't hear what you try to tell him, go to a couples counselor for a bit... their primary goal is to help couples learn to communicate together.... a few sessions with a good counselor to facilitate the discussion may be worth it.
A
male
reader, justaguy71  +, writes (7 February 2013):
Wow, what a dilemma you have! There are a few options: You could level with him and be honest and try to make the love making better, but it sounds like you just want him to be your best friend. You might lost him, but you need to have someone who completes you fully. Get a girlfriend who'll be your best friend. Find someone like your old boyfriend for your lover or partner.It sucks, but thats the way life works, you could work on trying to make it better and see a sex therapist or try some things to make him last longer, but from what you say, it sounds like he is only a friend, he's not your lover that you want to make love to every night. You are too young to start settling with crap sex, that comes when your old and married!I think you will most likely lose him, but it will be better for you in the long run.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): Dump him. You are not sexually attracted to him. I mean you get mad when he gets turned on and wants sex from his girlfriend of 3.5 years? That's not fair on him or you. You need to end it and find someone who is your best friend and sexually compatible with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): You need to break up with this guy because you are not being fair with him. You say it's because he can't last long/ isn't romantic etc, but that's not the case. You don't WANT to have sex with him. That's why you get annoyed when he attempts to have sex with you and why you criticise his performance so much. You need to let him go because you are not sexually attracted to him. He obviously is attracted to you but that seems to disgust you for some reason. Can't you see how this is so unfair to him? I would be devastated if I thought my boyfriend had to 'cave in' to having sex with me because to me it is an expression of our love and an essential part of a relationship. I know you love him, but not enough to sustain a proper relationship I'm afraid. Let him go and find someone who doesn't hate having sex with him so much.
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