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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. Since my dad died 4 months ago, I have been having a hard time going back to the sexual self I used to be. I used to be more aggressive in bed and liked more animalistic sex, but since my dad died, it seems I am unable to go back to that. The sex has changed for me and I seem to want more tender, more sensual and more loving sex with my partner. He loves it too. But I just want to go back to the way I used to be. It seems I can't be that way and I'm not sure if it just takes time or if something is wrong with me? I don't want to deprive my partner of a certain kind of sex we used to enjoy. But I can't seem to get my head wrapped around that kind of sex since my dad died. Any suggestions how I can go back to being who I was? Can I ever resume normal sexual activity? And why am I even having difficulty enjoying aggressive sex now? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): My condolences for the loss of your father. It has only been 4 months, and you're still in grief. You lost a parent!!!
I lost my sister from the complications of lupus in May last year. I was a little shut-off emotionally, and not feeling up to par. I felt less interested in sex; but it happened before for the same reason. Loss of a loved-one. I've returned to myself; but my preference is with tenderness, slow, and easy when it comes to sex. Kissing, foreplay, and caressing afterwards. Put some love into it!
Passion fluctuates with mood anyway.
You're maturing, and time changes us physically; and re-adjusts our mental-perceptions. You have hormonal-changes with age. You're not so primal in the act anymore? More tender? Please explain to me how that's a bad thing?
Intimacy has been lost between couples in these modern-times. Pornography and promiscuity prevails high; and everybody thinks sex has to be raunchy and piggish to be good. Well sometimes we're burning hot; and others, we're warm and tender. We put our hearts into it.
Welcome to something good for a change. Your husband loves it? So there you go!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): I am going to second guess that losing your dad ties in with wanting a more loving experience with your partner. I don't know your relationship but as has been said the very fact you still want a physical relationship and you are mindful of your partner shows that you are taking him into consideration.Me and my partner have different sex depending on how we feel so the fact that at the moment it is different is in my opinion not going to be a big deal to your partner, i am sure he knows already why there has been a shift at the moment. Four months is nothing and you will still be grieving so give yourself time, accept the love making as it is because that is what you need at the moment and a supportive partner will not only understand but will enjoy the sex no matter if it has changed. If that is how you normally enjoy having sex then i am going to second guess it will come back...in time and that is anyone's guess, how long is a piece of string....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (2 January 2019):
 You wish has given you excellent advice. I'd only like to add that your emotional needs have changed. A good book on emotional needs is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. It's an older book but very good for couples to explore together.
Right now your husband is happy to fill your needs, and it seems he is doing well at it. your concern for his happiness is commendable.
You asked why you are having difficulty with aggressive sex. I explained that away too glibly by saying your needs have changed. I'm not positive, but a good theory would be that with a family loss, you are feeling less secure. This could be causing you to prioritize security, over excitement, both powerful emotional needs. In other words you are to insecure to let yourself get aggressive, so you feel more comfortable in more connected emotional lovemaking.
I could be completely wrong there is another highly possible scenario. How does this one fit your feelings?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2019):
 First off, I'm really sorry about your father. I was just like you when my father died as well, along with the change in intimacy needs that happened.
You are still dealing with grief as it's only been 4 months. You will return to the way you were. It takes time, and it's like opening a flower. You can't force it open...it'll restore in its own time.
To help it along, however, you can always take a small vacation from the usual surroundings. Get a hotel or a B&B (my husband and I spent a couple nights at the casino/hotel) and take a break from the grief. Be spontaneous, and you'll begin to feel like yourself.
But don't try to rush things. You're having difficulty because you've taken a severe emotional trauma. You're the person on crutches upset because her leg is broken. You're on emotional crutches. You'll heal!
If you're not feeling better after a year or you feel like you're regressing (i.e. don't want sex at all or want to use sex as self-harm), then you should speak to someone. However, in this instance, time is the healer here.
Enjoy the intimacy with your husband as it is now. It'll continue to grow in time.
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