A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had sex for the first time yesterday and it wasnt what i expected at all. It was PAINFUL and awkward... although my boyfriend is great and tried to make me feel extra comfortable i still felt uncomfortable. Now I dont feel like talking to him but he wants to talk [he's been calling and texting asking if I am ok]. I think am a little angry at him but i dont even know why. I am confused.Is it because i was an older virgin [am 27]. Are these feelings normal for a first timer?
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female
reader, Lillymarie  +, writes (11 October 2011):
I think you are perfectly entitled to be angry, he hurt you... but, feel the emotion and then let it go! You knew it was going to be a little painful. The first time you had sex has been painful, but, the trick is to have a few more goes and get more comfortable with foreplay, cos you need to be lubricated... this will ultimately make it less painful.
After this if its still very painful please get checked out by the doctor.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 It's *supposed* to be painful and awkward! No matter how good and caring your boyfriend is, it's going to be that way! So what are you so angry about??
The sex after the first time is where the fun begins. It gets better and better the more you both are dedicated to sexual adventure.
The other aunts have said it well, but I'm going to tell you really directly:
You are going to LOSE your boyfriend if you treat him like this. He sounds like a good guy and you're mistreating him. Contact him and let him know you're needing some processing time, and not to worry.
Why you're mad at him, I don't get! Sounds like he was really good to you during the act. If you're angry, get angry at Mother Nature for inventing something so stupid and pointless as a hymen. Better yet, I'd ditch the anger and get more knowledgeable about sex itself. It will never be as rough as the first time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): That is the burden of a woman. The first time is always painful. It is very painful, in fact. And it may be painful the next time, but less so. It will take a few times to start being less painful. I would say about three, maybe four times it was painful for me, then it wasn't any more at all.
But it isn't his fault it was painful. It is just the natural way of the woman's body. There is no need to be angyr. It sounds like he did all he could and wasn't the jerk who just does what he needs and doesn't care that you're in pain.
So, my advice is talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling in a rational way and try to work through this. :) He sounds like a good guy from what you say. Don't give up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
 it's very very very wrong to cut him off. He's concerned and caring clearly...so i'm going to bet that the discomfort you felt was not intentional and he feels bad adn confused as well.
I can't see being angry at him.... I can see being angry but it's misplaced.
Are you angry that your first time wasn't PERFECT? that the angels dis not sing or weep? It rarely works that way... usually the first few times suck... not sure why we continue doing it... but we do... and eventually it gets better...
KC gives you great advice.
I'm thinking you are feeling really let down that it was not the be all to end all....
hugs to you... talk to your boyfriend... he's probably confused even if you tell him what you told us: "hey I'm sorry i'm not really feeling up to talking could you give me a couple of days to process this... I'm angry but not sure what I'm angry about yet..."
but make sure to listen to him and get back to him...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 October 2011):
 It is normal to be a bit upset about it being painful, you didnt enjoy the experience so you are not expected to be happy about it.
However it is WRONG to be angry at your boyfriend, it isnt his fault that it hurt! He did his best, and now you are just throwing your toys out of the pram and sulking because it wasnt what you expected. He did his best to make it comfortable but sometimes these things cant be helped, he isnt to blame so stop taking it out on him.
What you need to do now is talk to your boyfriend about it - yes it is hard talking about sex but you need to otherwise it will never get better and will affect your relationship. So sit down and have a face to face chat about it, explain how you are feeling and that the experience wasnt what you were expecting. Then let him talk about how he feels and what his thoughts are on the experience. Then you can take it from there and talk about how to make it better next time.
Did you use lube? Did you use condoms? Are you on the pill? Were you in a nice environment? Did you have lots of foreplay? There are lots of factors that can make sex better (or worse) so you need to have a look into this and see what you can do to make it a better experience second time around. I know you might feel right now like you dont want to do it again because it was so bad, but if you allow too much time to pass between now and trying again you will never do it. Its like the saying - you need to get back on the horse.
Lube is critical for making it more comfortable for you, if you are not well lubricated then it is going to be painful. Also try setting the scene a bit - so as cheesy as it may be, a few candles, nice fresh bedding, dim lighting etc all make the environment nicer and hence you more comfortable and in the mood. Foreplay is also critical - you both need to be really turned on and really 'wanting' it, otherwise it will be more like a chore that you have to get out of the way. So fool around, play with each other, tease each other - get yourselves really worked up until sex almost feels like the natural thing to do because you want it so bad. Make sure you are in the house alone with no interruptions (kids, phones, family etc) so you are not distracted. Get yourself some sexy underwear and make sure your hair and make up is done, make it feel like an occasion rather than something you just have to do.
Protection is equally important, sometimes it can be very awkward and troubling if you are not on the pill or using condoms as one party is worried about getting pregnant, catching STD's etc. If one person is worrying then that isnt going to help the experience. Also if you are using condoms but they are not on properly, or not the right kind, or your partner doesnt like them etc that can all affect the mood and experience.
Make sure you have a good chat to your boyfriend about what he likes and tell him what you like sexually, and then you have something to work from. Discuss how to make it better and then try again - dont allow this one time to put you off forever.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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