A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I the only person who thinks that this situation is very hurtful?I was with my partner for fifteen years. When we met I was divorced and had a young daughter of seven years old. My partner was 5 years younger than me and from a single parent family in which his mother was very dominant.We fell in love, but it really hurt me that he would almost totally ignore my daughter, showing no interest in her whatsoever. Never being cruel or anything, but just very thoughtless and making no attempt to bond with her in any way. She was/is honestly a truly lovely girl, very easy to be around.For years I put this to one side because my own self esteem was very low. I gently tried to encourage them to become friends. After around 10 years - when my daughter became an adolescent - they became easier with one another and are 'friends'.My boyfriend also drank a lot and, during these adolescent years, my daughter was subjected to a lot of nasty encounters between he and I when he was drunk. This depressed her but she is okay now that she has moved away/we have talked it through.BUT what I am finding very hurtful is that, during this period (when my daughter was a teenager) my partner had a friend who had a sister who was a single parent with a little boy of about 7. I know for sure that my boyfriend was not attracted to her at all - honestly, I am 100% sure on this - but he took it upon himself to make a huge fuss of this little boy and to really bond with him, offering to look after him and to let him stay over at our place so that she could go out. I was kind of left out of this situation because the bond between them was really strong. I tried to make friends with the mother and we would - from time to time - go out for lunch or for a drink. During this time I also helped her a lot, driving her to places etc.She always seemed over the moon that her son was receiving this attention from my boyfriend and never found it odd at all. She never once asked me if he had been like this with my daughter or what I thought of the situation.By this time my partner and I had some discussions about having a child together, but I said I couldn't because of his drinking. He said he wanted to stay with me but it might take some time for him to get his head around not having kids. So, for this reason, I tried to bear with the situation of him looking after this little boy. Please let me be clear, I have absolutely nothing against the little boy at all - I just found the situation very hurtful.No-one seemed to find this situation strange except me. And my boyfriend became known as something of a "hero" in this woman's family, whilst making my own life and my daughter's life a misery behind the scenes.Finally, I had to one day ask this woman for some help. This was the only time I had ever asked a favour of her and it was to do with her job - a specialist skill that she was developing and which I wanted about 30 minutes of her time for, in a very extreme situation for which nothing else would help and which I could not afford to pay for.She said that she could help me but she would have to charge the full amount AND she would have to charge me for travelling to my home if that is where I needed the help.After this, I simply retreated. She asked me again and again to explain what was wrong. So I did and she went crazy - just exploded on me saying that she loved me but that this was too deep, that I had hurt her too much - I said absolutely nothing nasty, just tried to explain logically why it was upsetting me that, after I felt that I was giving her so much help AND my partner was taking time out of our already strained relationship to help her, I found her willingness to charge me for travelling to my home very hurtful.For a while she stopped all contact then we slowly made up again and then she started bringing her son over but staying to chat with me whilst my boyfriend resumed his bond with the son.Now we are split, I am left wondering how this woman can still consider that this situation was not in any way strange and not be interested at all in the effects on me. I am honestly very confused about whether this is a friendship or not and if I am being out of hand about it all. Can someone advise me please? As far as I know, my ex still looks after her son sometimes.
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, drunk, fell in love, my ex, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 oh you are very very very entitled to FEEL your feelings and well you should.
I guess what I was missing amid all the emotion was that you are seeking a way to find peace with this relationship with this woman..
" I am left wondering how this woman can still consider that this situation was not in any way strange and not be interested at all in the effects on me."
again this is about how SHE feels not how you feel...
if you feel used (and I can understand that) then end the friendship or make it a superficial one that does not require all your time and effort.
and I'm sorry if I'm not getting what you are trying to figure out...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): I don't know why you are saying that my emotions should not come into this - I have read some of your other posts and it seems that you are often quite accepting of people's emotions, when they have a problem, but not in this case and for reasons that I simply don't understand. You seem to want me to really be in the wrong and if I point out why I don't think your answer adds up, or seems oddly biased, you are becoming rather attacking. I really think that you are looking for some sort of argument, here, because you - not me - want to be right on this one, and for reasons that I just do not get at all. If you post again, I'm not responding to you, I think your attitude this time is very strange and doesn't seem in keeping with the kind of responses you usually give. For the record, I did not mind paying the woman - although I couldn't afford it - but I did find it objecitonable that she wanted to charge me her rate for walking over to my place, that's all. She actually sent me some vouchers, after exploding at me, because she realised she had been way out of order. Again, I was just asking about how to think of our potential friendship in the future, not be on the receiving end of a character assassination.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
"I gave this woman a huge - I mean really a huge - amount of my time using my own skills and knowledges to really help her"
ah so you are a kind generous giving person. Do you do these things because you can, because you want to or because of what you get in return? IF you did it to be kind, then again, you can't expect her to give back to you just because you are kind and generous. Clearly she is not. IF you did it expecting tit for tat (the same in return, well you learned a valuable lesson... don't count on folks to be kind to you just because you are kind to them)
As to why her own brother stopped being her friend... that is neither here nor there... and it just adds smoke to what you would like to be your big fire why you are right.
"And I also don't think that you can solve an emotional situation by taking a non-emotional perspective - otherwise how do you excuse her highly emptional "explosion" towards me when I tried to be logical with her"
again... why does HER emotional response dictate what YOU must do?
and why do you think you should be important to her if you were not before?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Also, maybe I should have added that she lives ten minutes walk away and almost every time my partner looked after her son I would go and collect them in my car and drive him back home the next day. My partner did become friends with my daughter whilst we were still together and he totally regretted the way that he was with her, especially because our mutual friend (a guy of the same age) was more than happy to just "pitch in" and be friendly towards her. She needed a male role model too, just because she is a girl doesn't mean she only needed a female figure - and in any case, if that is the kind of overall behaviour that you think is a good role model for a man - binge drinking and being unable to assert healthy boundaries for his family - then I don't agree with it. Also, if both he and this woman were totally right, then that, bizarelly, indicates that I was selfish all along - how you figure that, I don't know, because my ex has since said he realises I was behaving like a subservient doormat trying to please everyone. My real question was whether the women herself can be considered as a true friend for the future, because I am confused about my relationship with her, given the way she has acted in the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Hi, yes if I were not emotionally involved I would partly agree with you. I guess I didn't emphasise that I gave this woman a huge - I mean really a huge - amount of my time using my own skills and knowledges to really help her and I was able to sympathise, to an extent, with the situation that she was in because I could see exactly what you are saying - that the boys need role models. But her own brother - with whom she was previously very close - stopped giving her support when he got married because his wife (her sister in law) felt pretty much the same as I did in the end - that the woman was simply taking and not giving anything in return. And I also don't think that you can solve an emotional situation by taking a non-emotional perspective - otherwise how do you excuse her highly emptional "explosion" towards me when I tried to be logical with her ?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
Well I think that I can see it without emotional eyes but you won't like what I have to say
young boys need male role models... that's why they have the Big Brotehrs and Big sisters foundation (because young girls being raised by dad need female role models) and your boyfriend was just being a male presence in a young boy's life which is a very very good thing.
and totally UNRELATED to your friendship with this woman.
YOU asked her for some professional help in her field... why would you expect her to do it for free? because YOUR BOYFRIEND is a male influence for her child by his choice?
I have a close friend who is a notary public... but it's part of her job.. when I need something notarized I will ask her but I don't feel offended or angry if she charges me... it's HER JOB....
perhaps being near your daughter made your boyfriend uncomfortable.... it seems now you've said they have a relationship...
...............................
|
