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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am feeling shell-shocked at the things my ex (who has a neurological condition so there is no tact in his communication) said to me when we split up because they do not ring true at all (he is in his 20’s: I am early 30’s). I have known him forever and we became close friends at the beginning of the year. His previous relationship of 5 years had fallen apart which devastated him.Anyway, he was so, so lovely towards me making me feel really special and had been pursuing me since June but didn’t ask me out until August. I took a few weeks to answer him because I needed time to think given his previous relationship but I said yes. He said he wanted a long term relationship with me, that we would take it slow and everything was really positive.In November we had sex for the first and only time in our relationship. I wished it hadn’t been so soon but we got carried away. He withdrew halfway through and afterwards he asked me if I was in love with him. I didn’t tell him I was because I thought it was too soon so then he said he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me or not and how amazing his ex was. Is this why he withdrew, (because when we first kissed in June he stopped halfway through because he was thinking about his ex and thought it wasn’t fair on me)? These comments started my doubts. Instead of the sex bringing us closer together, it seemed to pull us apart. He didn’t contact me for 4 days after that but when he did things got back on track. The really weird thing is when we were on our own he was great but on occasions when we were in company he would ignore me all evening to the point of not even looking at me. He had already told me not to take it personally because he has an eye problem he feels self-conscious about (he has a bad squint).Anyway, the other night was so weird. He said he didn’t feel bad about breaking it off with me. I think he wanted me to take it as a compliment! He said he had suddenly realised he hadn’t seen me for over a week. I don’t think he ‘suddenly realised’ at all; the last time we had seen each other (2 1/2 weeks ago) I thought it went badly. We didn’t argue (I think that was part of the problem!) but he was not looking at me again. I was really quiet but didn’t tell him why (personal problems) and he took it personally and understandably got in a funny mood. Then I think he tried calling me a few days later (99% sure) but the caller witheld their number and I thought if it was that important they would call me back but they didn’t. I think he didn’t want to be seen to be the first to make contact. I was annoyed with him for him being the way he was with me so I didn’t contact him. The thing that really upset me was when he told me to go out and meet other guys. That was when I knew it was over as only a matter of months ago he was worried about losing me to another man.He said that he had realised a month ago that it wasn’t working (about 3 weeks after we slept together) but that makes no sense as he was phoning me up everyday to see me, phoning me to see where I had got to if I was late, he was making plans with me next year and had been introducing me to his friends and vice versa. He said someone had just told him that I really, really liked him and he thought ‘oh no’ (I am assuming because he didn’t feel the same way). He said he couldn’t give me what I wanted but we both wanted marriage and kids but not until years away. We both wanted fun and romance. He made me want to be a better person and he seemed to be doing the same.He seemed very, very, very resistant to intimacy and I can only think it was because he was so badly treated by his ex and it hurt him so much (he has been an absolute mess about it) so now he lashes out first before anyone can hurt him; the asking me if I was in love with him and because he thought I was going to say no so he said all these things about his ex. All the reasons he gave for splitting up didn’t seem real. They just seemed designed to hurt me before I supposedly had the chance to hurt him. I loved him and would never have done anything to hurt him.One workmate said ‘face it he was only after sex’ and I keep thinking that too because he started this occasional ignoring me after we had sex, but my Mum says she doesn’t believe he was; I had told her that he had many opportunities to have sex with me and he never took them, in fact several times he pushed me away. Do you think he was still fixated on the ex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): I don't know what this guy is thinking or doing and obviously neither do you....he sounds like he is in no shape to be in a relationship and he is not pursuing you, so I would just not work so hard at trying to figure him out....act "as If" you are fine without him, move on and date some other men if you want to do so...
Give him plenty of space and I bet you will come to realize that he is not what you want....I can already read in your tone that you don't really like him all that much, you are just frustrated and put out at his inconsistency and I don't blame you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): I'm sorry to hear of this experience you have had!
I agree with your mother: it sounds to me as though there was far more to his feelings for you than just wanting sex. If that was all he wanted, after all, he would have been gone long before you both actually did sleep together.
No, the way I read it is that even though he was obviously traumatized by the ending of a five year relationship with his ex - by the way, how long had it been over when he began pursuing you, and how did it end? Did she break it off, or did he?
I think perhaps he DID want to try to start afresh with you, but found it very difficult. This might well have been because he wasn't completely over his past relationship. Sounds like that since you say he began talking about her and how "amazing" she was. The long and the short of it is that he wasn't able to be emotionally available to you at this time.
I do get the sense that he may have THOUGHT he was over her, and HOPED he was, but when it came right down to it and you two had dated a while, he found he just couldn't continue. When he told you it just wasn't working, I think he may well have meant it wasn't working because his feelings were not free, really, to focus on you.
If you would like to try again with him, I suggest you leave it (him) alone for the next few months. No contact. Then, if you still want to, try calling him to say hi, how are you, sort of thing, with a light touch. POSSIBLY he will have had a chance to sort himself out by then.
Again, as I said earlier, it could depend on how long its been since he broke up with her. If only a couple months or so, its probably not long enough - most people need time alone before embarking on a new relationship. Nobody wants to be the "rebound" person. If on the other hand it has been a couple of years, there's probably not much point in trying again later!
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