A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Recently, I've noticed I have some "issues". Are these normal? (this'll be a long one) Backstory: in 5th grade I was severely bullied by a very mean girl. I went to a private catholic school and that particular year I had one friend that I knew in my class. There was this girl, lets call her M, who was horrible to me. My friend, A, was going through some issues and wasn't a very good friend. She sided with M sometimes but never fully. I constantly seeked M's approval, I don't know why. She was mean to me and did horrible things to me. My parents didn't find out until the third trimester of the year, and my seat was moved far away from hers and I wasn't put in her class since then. A and I made up. In 7th grade, this girl, J, (a friend of As) started making fun of me to make people laugh. It wasn't nearly as bad as M's bullying, but it was still hurtful. Anyway, for unrelated reasons, I switched into a public school for 8th grade and on. I'm an incoming freshman, and I've noticed some things that aren't particularly normal in my mind. 1. I constantly seek approval. In everything. I am obcessed with perfection and winning. 2. I can't "take a joke". If someone jokingly teases I'll feel hurt even if I don't show it.3. Lets say I'm in bed, about to sleep, when something pops into my head. Like did I leave the hot iron on? And i won't be able to remember if I did or didn't so I'll have to get up and go check. And if I'm in the car I always have to search for my phone.4. I feel scared if I don't say "I love you" before I leave. 5. If my hands don't "feel" clean, they must be washed. When I say "feel" clean, I mean if i just touched money and I think of all the germs on there I must wash them. I will literally get a feeling in my hands that they must be cleaned. And I have to wash my hands before eating in a public place. After a visit to NYC, i couldn't touch the converse I wore for days. I still don't like touching them. 6. Lets say I ask my mom what time I can go to the movies. Then before I text my friend what time I can go, i ask again. And then i read it back. I alway have to "reassure" everything. And I have an excellent memory. And the other day when going to a party, part of me was scared to death that i mixed up the days.7. Theres this smell. I first smelled it when I was helping out with special needs kids at my school. It doesn't smell good. And I haven't been able to forget it. I don't know if being bullied has anything to do this. I just added it in case it was. My question is, are all these normal? Am I perfectly fine? Or is something else going on? Oh and btw I am 14. Thank you! Especially for reading that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much! You have no idea how much worry has been taken off my shoulders. Alot of what you all have said makes sense. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Hi. It could be that when you were being bullied, you felt you had no control over the things that were happening to you. Bullying is normally a very traumatic experience. It can leave you feeling helpless, vulnerable and those feelings can stay with you for a long time afterwards. That is why bullying is a particularly nasty thing to do to someone.
You might think that the bullying was partly your fault because you did this or shouldn't have said that! Those thoughts are quite common but bullying is NEVER the fault of the survivor. You did nothing to deserve it. You were just unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, when this girl experienced her difficulties. She was going to act out like that anyway because she had issues. It really was just a case of you being unfortunate and finding yourself in her pathway at that particular time.
The effects of what you were put through, might have made your subconscious decided that it won't allow you to be placed in any situations that leave you vulnerable again. So it is trying to protect you by making you VERY careful.
It drives you to worry and check the time over and over again, so you don't arrive late or miss a date and annoy/lose a friend. It makes you wary when you are teased. Instead of laughing with people, you worry they are laughing at you. It makes you wash your hands many times, so you don't catch germs and become ill. It is not discriminate, it makes you avoid ANY type of risk to yourself.
That is also why you feel you are obsessed with winning too. Your mind doesn't want you to fail at anything you do. And it is protecting you from failure by using anxiety to heighten your awareness of any threat to your physical and emotional wellbeing. That anxiety is even why you can still smell an odour from the day you helped the children at school.
When you operate in a heightened state of anxiety, odours appear stronger and the memories of some, particularly unpleasant ones, can stay with you for some time. The heightened sense of smell is due to the fight or flight instinct associated with anxiety. We relied heavily on a strong sense of smell back in the mists of time, when sniffing the air for danger. A bit like wild animals still do today. That ability is still within us and surfaces when we are very anxious.
What your subconscious is doing is normal to a degree. It is trying to protect you but over doing it...if you can understand that?
You might find with time, you relax and the compulsions ease off. But if they don't or begin to get in the way of day to day life, then do talk to someone about it. Either a school counselor/one of your parent or both. It is always a good idea to have some sort of counseling or therapy if you notice any difficulties following traumatic events.
What you are going through is understandable and quite normal really... given the circumstances. But again. If you have any concerns that these compulsions are 'taking over' do talk to someone who can help.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (23 August 2011):
It's really difficult to even create a list of what you do that appears odd to you, so there may be more, although some of what your describing seems like 100% normal for a person your age.
You seem to have a few items that are telling me that you worry a lot. I can't tell if it's compulsive behavior or not. I will tell you that you need to keep an eye out for obsessive compulsive patterns (like constant hand washing, or other rituals that you repeat daily).
Why don't you go talk to a professional and see what they think. They can add clarity and reassure you that most all of this is normal. If there's anything you need to work through they can help with that as well.
Know this, there is NO REASON that you need to go through life miserable. We tend to make ourselves miserable by running weird tapes in our heads that do so. Having someone point this out and work with us works wonders.
Good luck! Go talk this over with someone and feel BETTER!
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