A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi friends... It's been ages since I posted here, however I'm stuck in yet another dilemma. I live with my boyfriend ('fiance') of 18 years. I never got to date, or try others, since I was 13/14 when we started dating. The first few years were good, but when we moved back to his home town, everything went straight to hell. His family hated me, his friends hated me... so much drama! More than I had ever experienced in my life! Well, two miscarriages, several physial fights, and verbal abuse later... I fell in love with someone else, but because I'm so codependant on my fiance, I couln't leave after 3 years of loving the other person. I was so desperate to feel loved, since I hated the situation was in. Well after that fell apart, I met a new guy online. We talked for a while, and both fell pretty head over heels in love. I would fly there and see him and his family yearly, and we would spend every night playing online games, or watching movies/shows at the same time and talk etc.Unfortunately, things on my end just got worse and worse. Living with my current bf was hell on earth for me, and then my mother, YET AGAIN, got really sick off an on. She already has heart disease (had two heart attacks), a 5 or 6 way bypass, skin cancer head to toe, and now her platelets are all sorts of messed up. They're supposed to be like 150k-400k? And they got to 5k. Then I got hurt bad at work, and now have 7 bulging AND herniated discs in both my neck and back. So anyways, FFW 7 years this Feb 6th... out of no where the guy I was going to see yearly etc, got really upset over something silly, and instead of just talking he dumped me. We talked after that, he told me I had to move in with him asap or he'll be done. Ok, he gave me until June. Well he started being back to his normal self, kinda. He'd say the love names, or I'm his future wife, etc. He's not one to say stuff if he doesn't mean it. He's too stubborn to be 'forced' into things.Well on the 24th of Jan, I was driving home from running errands. I asked if he really did wanna marry me and stuff still while he was on speaker. He went completely silent and said he didn't want to be pushed into that stuff (when HE was the one saying that crap to begin with for years.... and that morning to be exact!)... then I pulled over and he said he was done being with me and doesn't love me anymore at all. I even got him to say it on skype so he'd see my face, and not just a voice. He showed absolutely no emotion. It almost sounded like he flat out hated me. I got home, and he told me we could talk on his lunch break the following day. I call him a few mins after he goes on lunch (12pm) and we talked until almost 1pm. We had discussed a possible visit to see if we still wanted to do this, the night before. Well while talking on his break, he told me no. He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want a goodbye visit, that he's done with me and he's sick of staying for me and should of left years ago and that I have too many problems etc... Now we have fought and broken up many times over the years because of the distance, etc... but this time he even told me he's telling his family we're over (which crushes me, bc they were like family to me. i was already being called their daughter in law). So here I am trying to move there, and then he randomly breaks up with me, AGAIN? And says it was a mistake to try again after our Dec break up over something silly.He literally said all of this without a tiny bit of emotion, NOTHING. Just a stern, cold and angry voice. And even called me hysterical because I was crying. Things are finally ok to go be with him, and start my new life and he leaves! I was his first serious relationship, sex partner, best friend, we were close in my eyes. I've tried to email him, no replies. I stopped. To control myself, I've just been writing in word documents to let it all out. I feel helpless, lost, betrayed, and most of all.. hurt. So freaking hurt. I didn't even know this level of pain existed. I didn't feel this bad when the other guy slept with another girl! Sigh. I know I shouldn't of started a relationship on the side while stuck with my bf, but I was serious about moving out and starting a new life. I just couldn't do it in the right order bc of my sick mother, and several pets. So please, please don't judge me. I already hate myself enough as is.We always made up in the past, and one of us always came back. However this is the first time I feel it's truly over... any advice? Any ideas of what could of happened? (I don't think he's talking to other girls since I have access to his phone bills...) Do you think after he calms down, he'll come back? :(PS: Keep in mind, I don't condone cheating. I never meant to fall in love, but I was going to leave and be with them. I was working on finding mom an apartment for herself and her things since she needs her current job for insurance. I plan on leaving my abusive relationship, things have just been crazy up until now. Thanks for understanding. God bless.- The Broken Hearted
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 He was the other guy for seven years, he waited for you to get your life together, and he has finally given up. In fairness he must have the patience off the saint to be the other man for seven years while you still live with your boyfriend. Obviously he is going to get fed up listening to your excuses. Accept it is over and move out and finish with your boyfriend, it is not fair on him how you are treating him. It is time to start living on your own two feet and looking after yourself be independent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): No one is going to believe that you and your boyfriend are just roommates with no sex involved. You are cheating on your boyfriend and on this LD guy. He finally waited too long, listened to too many of your excuses, and realized he was stupid enough to believe you have a platonic relationship with the guy you're living with.
Let him go. Focus on yourself and your mother.
He deserves better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): Apart from the cheating, are you forgetting this man has waited years for you to get your life together? It's one problem after another, and a series of excuses and delays.
He just got fed-up!
It wasn't a sudden decision or a solitary incident. This has been building over-time, and you seem to be a very problematic and indecisive person. You remained with a boyfriend you no longer care for, you have an ailing mother who requires care; and all he can look forward to is whatever remnants of your misfortune and baggage that will follow you. Trust me, he's been reviewing this situation in his mind for some time. He just found his way out!
You can't expect anyone to accept the lame excuse you're "co-dependent" on your boyfriend; and that's why you can't stop cheating and leave him. Then use the feasible explanation of your mother's care; which will no doubt pull you back should you leave, and her health fails again. You'd have a ton of unresolved-issues and lots of baggage following you wherever you go, my dear.
You haven't even figured-out how to leave your boyfriend yet, and you're talking about marriage to another man?!!
Say what?!!
Set your priorities. Get your mother in a suitable place for elderly-care and assisted-living. That all depends on your budget and what sort of retirement-benefits she has. How will she pay for an apartment? After all that major surgery, how can she live unassisted?
You've explained you're a victim of domestic-abuse; which is also an indication of some psychological-trauma yet to be addressed. You really didn't need to drag anyone else into your drama; and if you really care about the guy, you'll set him free. Pull your life together and just leave him alone.
Sweetheart, you're in no shape at the present to take-on a big move. Leaving a job and a frail and sickly mother behind. Then you're already engaged; and your boyfriend/fiance is unaware you're contemplating leaving him for someone else. You've been juggling two relationships simultaneously.
Get your mother in an assisted-living community; and search for your own place while you're in the process.
Breakup with your boyfriend; and get yourself into therapy.
Your life is disorganized, full of soap opera drama, and you've got far too much on your plate emotionally and psychologically. You're not ready for marriage to anyone. You're looking for the other guy to rescue you from your situation. Sorry, but that's all up to you; and it must be done and over long before you pursue another relationship.
BTW, what about your boyfriend/fiance, or whatever he is??? He doesn't have a clue you're seeing another man? The guy is that totally clueless??? You'd have to lie to explain your travel and time away to see the other man.
Your post-script comment is not true. You do condone cheating. You're cheating!!!
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (29 January 2018):
 Leave him as fast as possible.
Never look back.
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