A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Sorry for the long post, Thankyou to anyone who takes the time to read my story.I am in my late twenties and in a new relationship of 6 months with a man 2 years younger than me. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I have never felt so connected to anyone before. The last 6 months have been the best of my life. I spend most nights at his (I still live at home, just completed my studies) and make sure I always pay my way (we both work). He has introduced me to most of his family and I spent xmas with them as well as numerous other family events lately.Last weekend we had a party at his house. As I am the newest to his friend group I try my best to fit in and spent part of the night chatting with one of his two male house mates who are his friends since school (who also have girlfriends who stay over sometimes). I also spent just as much time chatting to some of the girl friends that were there. After the party, I woke up during the night to find my boyfriend out sleeping on the couch. I asked him if everything was okay and he just said he couldn't sleep so i brushed it off. The next morning he was very quiet with me, I asked again if everything was okay and again he said yes. After the group of us went out for some food he said he was going to work on some stuff in his garage and I said no worries ill go to my mums for a bit and come back later for a dinner we had on. While at mums, the housemate posted a message to our group (the boys and us girlfriends use it to communicate) asking if anyone wanted to go fishing at the local lake. Nobody was home at mums and I was feeling bored and knew I was heading back that was soon (my boyfriend lives about a half hour drive) so i said sure ill come by thinking it would fill in time. I spent about an hour there with the house mate and another of my boyfriends close friends before I got bored and excused myself and headed back to my boyfriends. When I arrived he was putting his shoes on and I went to give him a kiss. He brushed me away and said he was heading out. I felt a little weird he was acting strange but again thought he must be tired and I went to put my bag down and heard him start his car to drive off! I went out and was like "hey, whats going on here?" he said he didn't know what i was talking about and went to leave again. This is totally out of character for him, he is nothing but affectionate and friendly. Again I said, whats up with him why is he taking off. Thats when he managed to mumble something about me spending too much time with his house mate and he thought he could trust me. At this point I felt my heart break a bit as my boyfriend means everything to me and he is accusing me of something so innocent.I stood there completely shocked, I couldnt believe what I was hearing, he was so cold and matter of fact. I said can we talk about this as he was very firm about us having good communication but he just said he will be back later maybe. By this time his house mate has also pulled up and cracked a joke about how i couldn't fish for shit, my boyfriend said yeah and took off. So there I was. Tears streaming down my face standing at his house like a fool watching him drive off down the road. His house mate asked whats happened and I just said iv upset him but im not sure whats going on. His house mate said this is out of character for him and it must be something else. He then said he will go out and let us sort it out when my boyfriend comes back.I text him to say im sorry i didnt mean to hurt him (even tho i still felt like I hadnt done anything wrong) and call my mum balling my eyes out. I sit on his bedroom floor for a bit and get my stuff to go home when I hear him come back, come in the house and get something and take off again. Without speaking to me or answering my text. A short time later he texts saying its okay and he will be back soon. By then im in my car about to leave when he pulls up and waves me in.He hugs me and we talk for a bit and he says he didnt trust his house mate as he has tried things before and he felt hurt that he has opened up to me and he guesses he feels vulnerable because he loves me (he hasnt said he loves me before). I struggle with this as I dont understand why im the one in trouble? We talk for a bit more, he cuddles me alot and I do my best to just forget it and went to the dinner with him. Later after it Im still feeling down and he asks how long im going to be upset over this and I said I just needed some time to get my head around it, as today has been such an awful day for me. He then goes cold AGAIN and Im left asking if he is okay and he says he doesnt see why the whole day was a wright off! I try to explain but decide its not worth it and go to cuddle him and he roles over to sleep. I lay there all night feeling broken.The next day he gets up early to go somewhere with the boys. He kisses me goodbye and everything seems fine. He also comes over to my mums after and we spend the day together and everything is normal on the outside. On the inside Im a mess with anxiety.So now its Monday. 2 days later, I call in sick to work today as I feel so upset over whats happened I feel physically unwell my stomach is churning. He was affectionate this morning before work as usual but I just cant get it out of my head. Am i justified to be feeling so upset over this? Is this the beginning of the end? Im not seeing him tonight as he indicated he is busy. He also goes away for a week in a few days with that same house mate on a boys trip. Meanwhile im sitting at home gripped with anxiety (so out of character for me too) because I care so much about this man and he has hurt me so bad. I texted him a few hours ago saying I hope he has a nice day and he texted back friendly asking me something and I text back asking him too and he never replied.What do i do to smooth this over? Should I just get over it? Leave him alone? How can i control how upset I feel? I dont think he has any idea just how upset I am over this but i feel like maybe he is getting over me and im just a sitting duck waiting for him to break up with me or am I over reacting?Thankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): So he's allowed to be upset for as long as he wants, but if you're upset and rightly so, then he gets annoyed by that too?!I have been EXACTLY where you are now and please believe me it doesn't get any better. No, it gets a LOT worse.I had a boyfriend like yours and like you thought he was the best bloke I'd ever met. He was great, funny, affectionate, generous and made me feel so looked after and loved.I became addicted to the feeling of being with him. And I was so surprised when he started with the exact same behaviour that you're being treated to right now.It is of course intended to control you. I bet you would not dream of going anywhere with his male friends now would you?There, job done. That is exactly what all that behaviour is about. He is jealous and controlling and thinks nothing of subjecting you to the most awful upset as long as he gets his way.Make no mistake that this relationship is all about him and not you. He has shown that already. He didn't want you to have any feelings other than the ones he wants you to have and in the time frame he wants you to have them. What he has displayed is abusive behaviour. Mental cruelty. He came back in his car only to make you think he was coming back and I bet you were as gutted again when he drove off again. All done on PURPOSE! You don't ever want to feel that way again so you won't do what brought his behaviour on like that again.As I said, job done.I really want you to realise that this wonderful man you have met is not wonderful at all. The person that everyone thinks he is and who you thought/think he is, is not the real man. The one you have been recently introduced to is the real one. He is lovely to begin with so that you excuse all kinds of behaviour from him, in the hope that the wonderful guy he was at the beginning will return. And he will. Interspersed with the most frightful emotional abuse that you have just experienced. It doesn't stop. You may not get treated to it for a while now, but it will happen again and again.How do I know this? Because with men like him, the relationship is ALL about him. And as a human being, you have needs and wishes and wants just like he does. But they won't matter to him and he has started to train you to behave in the way that he wants. Even if you become the most compliant, subservient partner just to please and keep him, that won't work either, because the goal posts change. What was okay behaviour with him one day, will be the worst thing you could ever have done the next and he will punish you, like he is punishing you now. Abusive partners do this to keep you off balance, unsure of yourself and he hopes ever more reliant on him, so he can control you some more.It took me five years to realise what was happening to me, that my boyfriend was doing this all to me on purpose, to accept it and to be able to leave.In that five years, my health has been permanently damaged from feeling the awful stress you are feeling right now. Even if you're not being subjected to it at the time, you're still always waiting for it.People wonder why one stays so long in such a situation. One of the reasons is because they do such a good job on you in the beginning. It takes a long time to really accept that this lovely man, who loves you etc would behave like the without reason.I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your post sent a dagger to my heart. I remember the horrible emotional and mental abuse that I went through.Please read the book that has already been recommended to you. 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It is the best book I have ever read on the subject of abuse and I've read a lot!He is a psychologist who spent fifteen years working with abusive men one to one and got to know all of their abusive tactics, which he shares with his readers. It is the most empowering and eye opening book I have ever read. I imagine that you will find this difficult to believe. That your boyfriend is doing this on purpose and that he isn't the sort of man he seems. I understand that, of course. As I said it took me five years.Take it from someone who can see this shit from miles away. Please read the book and this will at least help you to recognise the future behaviours that WILL follow.Abuse doesn't get better. They don't suddenly realise what they've been doing and stop. They know exactly what they're doing and choose to do it. Abuse only gets worse. Good luck and don't let him see you reading this book. He is not your friend.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 Hes def showing you who he is and def hes getting over you. I also wonder if you left out clues about what else happened that night for him to act completely cold and selfish ? He clearly is fine with you getting to know his friends, he invited them all to the party and you as well. I feel like maybe he saw you were trying to hard to fit in and in his male eyes, assumed you expressed some imterest in his mates or were disrespecting him. This isnt true but men act protective over their gfs around friends and want loyalty or want to feel amazing. He may wrongly have thought you were ignoring him and expressed interest in his mates. But from the way he acted, by pullimg away and you continuing to reach out...my advice ?
Back off. Give him space. I know its hard, but stop blaming yourself. Stop it ! Back off. Hes moody and muling things over, let him come to whatever conclusion he wants. Make sure to always to have your own back. But dont be clingy or emotional or guilt stricken, men will run. At moments like this, keep your head clear and focus on being the best version of yourself. Even if he breaks it off, accept it and show him you wont break but can accept his supposedly false accusations with a clear head! At times like this, be smart. Back off, stop going over to his place, focus on your life, whatever he says stay focus on staying positive, dont discuss what happened. When men see that while hes gone, you were able stand on your pwn two feet and not be needy, he will second guess breaking things up
This is the time not to say sorry or be weak. Be smart, hold firm to your values, morals, take a break from him. Good luck sweetie
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (29 January 2018):
I agree with Honeypie. You should read a book called 'Why does he do that?'by Lundy Bancroft. It details controlling behaviour. What just happened to you was controlling behaviour. He withdrew affection from you when he didn't like what he saw happening between you and his roommate-a seemingly normal platonic interaction.
You said it yourself- he doesn't trust his housemate and yet somehow you are the one in trouble. Tread very carefully or you might be treading on eggshells around him for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2018):
 How do YOU smooth things over? Are you seriously asking that?
In the beginning of your post you CLEARLY state that you didn't feel you did anything wrong, all you did was socialize and get to know HIS group of friends. Which, incidentally, is QUITE normal for a new partner to do.
YOU didn't DO anything wrong.
He did, by not wanting to talk to you, by trying to PUNISH you for something YOU DID NOT DO with silence and indifference.
You apologizing is just NOT a good thing, OP. Because an apology means you ACCEPT the blame, you ACCEPT that you DID something wrong, and you didn't.
He is being an ASS! He is the one who SHOULD be apologizing for treating you this abominable!
Yet, he doesn't he just IGNORES what he did and do whatever he wants INCLUDING ignoring you to make YOU feel like shit.
It's been 6 months. Which is usually about the time the REAL personality of someone comes out (sometimes it takes longer, sometimes shorter). My guess is he doesn't LIKE that you are ABLE and CAPABLE of getting to know his friends. I think he actually would like to keep you and "them" in separate boxes. And maybe... there is some history with the roommate. The whole "I don't trust the roommate" is BULLSHIT, if he trusts YOU the roommate's actions are irrelevant. And maybe the WONDERFUL guy you have spend a LOT of time with these 6 months is NOT as wonderful as you thought. Maybe... this mindfu@# thing is something he enjoys. It gives HIM POWER in the relationship. Almost like gaslighting. Making you think YOU did something wrong to "deserve" this treatment.
So my advice?
Wish him a GREAT week away and STOP being so available.
You can't control how you feel, but you CAN try and control how you act. STOP apologizing. And STOP asking him what's wrong.
INSTEAD while he is away... Decide if HOW he treated you is something you are OK with or not. If it's not then maybe it is the beginning of the end. Maybe he just isn't a good match.
Don't skip work over this guy. And DO NOT, accept blame for something YOU DIDN'T do!
Personally? If I were in your shoes if he doesn't apologize and explain WTF he was thinking I would probably be the one breaking up ASAP. I just wouldn't want a partner to treat me this way. Because it won't be a ONE off. This is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. If you accept THIS kind of treatment, he will keep going and it will end up toxic. How do I know? Been there, done that.
I think you know that you don't deserve this. What's making you not tell him to go FLY a kite off a high cliff is because his actions have you confused. You don't understand WHY he is doing this. That it must be because YOU did something wrong. IT IS NOT!
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