A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiNow this may seem heartless even merciless if being extreme but this is how it is....I knew a woman who has 4 children a few years ago. She was living in a refuge and I allowed her into my home to get away sometimes. The thing is...her children were unruly and would help themselves to my food and drink and she would laugh and say awww but it is your fault as everytime they come here you give them treats-I felt uncomfortable around her as she has such a dizzy personality that even my friends thought she was an oddball... then she would ask me to make her kids packed lunches and if the kids did not like the food I gave them they would ask for another filling in their food???? she would ask me to change the filling??? It all got a bit too much for me and she was coming here every night, using my internet and outstaying her welcome when I wanted to have early nights she did not care. So...I would hide when she came around or pretend I was going out.She then got a house around the corner from me and I think she got the hint.I saw her a few months ago and she told me she had cancer. As time went on she had chemo, was seriously ill. She approached me in town a few weeks ago and was unrecognisable!! looked old and had lost her hair. I had to hold back the tears out of pity.I have to walk by her house every day and saw her yesterday she wanted to call in but I made an excuse that I had someone coming around but she could pop in today. I won't hide...but I know..she will start coming around all hours of the day...she is the same person that I did not want to be friends with but I feel awful thinking I do not want her around here with her being seriously ill. I have some stuff going on in my own life to deal with - that sounds heartless and I am not a bad person but I know I am going to feel uncomfortable in my own home again.I could say I will call into hers instead...oh I feel so guilty! the poor woman could do with a friend not a callous bitch who thinks of her own comfortability.What can I do????? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind message
She did indeed call in one afternoon last week but I had a meeting to attend-told her this...she had a few cups of tea and then I said I had to go upstairs to get ready - she left then but I did not invite her again. She is the same old mad as a box of frogs person that I felt uncomfortable with before she became ill.
A week has passed and no sign but at least I made her welcome.
Thanks again
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): You are clearly a good, sweet, kind person. Someone who was really a heartless bitch would never have felt guilty about this, let alone asking others for advice about what to do in the circumstances.
I suspect that you are the kind of person who is so sensitive to others and so tremendously kind that you have problems not only with drawing boundaries and saying 'no', but also with the very idea that you yourself have needs and wishes that deserve respect.
Clearly, this woman and her children are difficult. They have behaved rudely and they have abused your time and hospitality in the past. However, I suspect that they were only able to do so because you were too polite and too unconfrontational to stand up and say 'Thus far, but no further!' Don't get me wrong - I'm not judging you! I have exactly the same weakness. I've spent the last two years trying to solve a similar problem with my boyfriend's ex, who is selfish and clingy and attempts to treat everyone like a servant! I have had to learn to draw boundaries and to say no, which is not something I have found easy because I feared confrontation - in fact, my heart was totally pounding so hard the first time I did it! - but the situation has now been resolved, and I am so much happier and more confident knowing that I can draw lines without getting into arguments.
There is no reason why there can't be a middle ground here - a casual relationship where you see this woman and her children occasionally, and thus do your duty by someone who is sick, but where the ordinary boundaries of respect to you and your time and house are also observed by them. The way to engineer this is to figure out exactly what you are prepared to give, to give it voluntarily, kindly, and without resentment, but then to set clear boundaries that avoid your kindness being exploited - and stick to them!
Now that's very easy to say, but how do you actually do it? I suggest that you start out small to make it clear that you're establishing the relationship on new foundations, and set some boundaries very clearly at the start. For example, you could invite this woman around for coffee and cake. But instead of saying 'Would you like to come round some time', be explicit about what you're offering: 'Would you like to come over for an hour at one on Wednesday next week for a coffee?' That way, you are setting out what you expect very clearly. While she is at your house, you can listen to her intently and give her all your attention while she is there. But don't let the meeting overrun. Make sure you have a genuine appointment after you see her, and tell her when she arrives at one that you need to be at the hairdressers (or wherever) at 3.30. If it gets to 3.15 and she's showing no signs of moving, get up out of your seat, and start gathering your things to go out. Body language can be a tremendously powerful hint that you need to go! If she doesn't take that hint, she's incredibly insensitive - and you will just need to say, very politely, 'I'm so sorry, I really have to run. As I mentioned, I have another appointment. It was lovely to catch up with you, though. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I'd like to do this again - how about in a fortnight?'
If she comes to your house unscheduled in the interim, don't hide! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of and you should not feel like a trespasser in your own home. Answer the door, and show surprise and concern - ask her if she is especially upset, or if anything is desperately wrong (because if there is a crisis, obviously you want to be there for her). However, if it's just a random social call, make it clear that you can't just be there all the time, because you have other priorities. Say 'I'm SO sorry, but I'm having such a busy day. I know you're having a difficult time, and I want to be there for you, but unfortunately I am so stressed right now. Are you still on for our meeting next week?'
Be prepared to give a little - if the kids eat a few more biscuits than you intended, so be it - but be prepared to draw lines about the big issues. For instance, if she makes unreasonable requests (and asking you to make packed lunches for her kids is definitely unreasonable), then don't feel bad about saying 'I'm sorry, I can't do that for you. I just don't feel comfortable'.
If you can set up these boundaries, you will actually be able to have a functional relationship with this woman, and because it'll be healthy and not full of resentment on your part, it'll make you feel much better not only about the situation, but about yourself. You may also be surprised at how much respect you get when you start to draw lines! Good luck!
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