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male
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*ubris man
writes: My wife and I have been seperated (not legally) for about three months. The problems that caused this are long standing issues or responsibility and emotional distance. I am currently in counseling but she has not started yet. We have not made a decision on our future yet but there is still hope. There was no infidelity but some inappropriate flirting on both sides.Since she moved in with a girl friend across town she and her friend have gone out clubbing every Saturday night. They dress extremely provocatively (Goth), low cut tops, short skirts, etc... I know guys are involved and flirting. She says she hasn't had relations with anyone but I know that she would not tell me if she did. I feel this situation is very emasculating. I have tried not to say anything other than plainly stating my concerns about an affair would end all chances between us. What do I do? This is hurting me.
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reader, Hubris man +, writes (13 September 2006):
Hubris man is verified as being by the original poster of the question She current says she does not know if she wants the relationship. She does say she knows she needs to get counseling and her room-mate tells her that to. She is just dragging her feet. There is a big picture time limit built into the whole thing. I leave for China for 6 months next june. Everything has to be resolved prior to that because I am not coming back to the city we currently live in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): You can't do anything. Your wife lacks the will and motivation to work at this marriage--she's got some wild oats to sow so sadly, she doesn't appear to care. And now, you are worried about her having an affair. So now, trust problems are predominating this situation as well as the other relationship issues from your past history together. As long as you wait for your wife to decide that she wants to seriously repair this marriage, you will feel helpless and you will slowly lose hope. Sadly, this feeling of emasculation and frustration can lead into despair, causing you to become more less involved in self-healing and looking after yourself. Right now, she not interested in putting in the hard work to saving this marriage or she would be in counseling and negotiating with you. So there is not much you can do to convince her otherwise. You have to accept that. But you can change your focus onto making your life happier, without her. Firstly, though..you need some clearcut answers from her? Communicate! Ask her if she wants to save this marriage or not? If she can't make a decision either this way or that way, then make one for yourself. Make the healthy choice to move on and start living again and begin choosing the better, happier course for yourself. In other words, you can't change her-- you can only change yourself. You can wait for her to come to her senses...but how long is that going to take and how long are you prepared to wait? That's a question you need to ask yourself. If I were in your shoes, I'd prepare myself and use my head...be smart by seeking some solid, good legal advice from a lawyer. Consultations are sometimes free of charge. Check it out. I truely hope it all works out for you but she sounds like she's made a choice about what she wants. Take care, dear and good luck.
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female
reader, gracie lou +, writes (13 September 2006):
 hey there,I think you should look at it from the perspective that you're lucky that you know there might be a chance she's cheating. my bf cheated on me and i had no idea until he the minute he told me, which was 2 weeks after it had happened. i felt used, and i felt like an idiot and i didnt know who knew about it or who to trust. so since you know there might be a possibility of infidelity, i would jump on it and confront her about it before anything actually does happen. even after you do confront her, if it ends, it ends. trust me, you dont want to continue a relationship filled with distrust. although my bf cheated on me, we were able to work it out and have been together since. communication is key. hope this helps a bit and good luck with what ever decision you make
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