A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please don't judge and I'm only asking to try to learn and grow as a person. I've been in a relationship for 10 yrs. and for the past year and a half it's been miserable. I had an affair and I didn't fall in love, i did it to satisfy my sexual needs that I couldn't bare to beg for at home anymore. My feelings for my fiancee have completely died and I'm planing on leaving after I figure out my living situation. I care about him and love him but that's simply based on the sentiment and our 8 yrs. of memories together and i know the right thing is to leave and not torture him or myself anymore, trying to force something that will never be the same or right again. I have extreme separation anxiety but i know that by me leaving is the only way to move on and be okay. It will be probably take some time to truly accept all of this for both of us..Has anyone been through this and what happens when you leave? how long does it take to feel better? I appreciate your input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo need to apologize my friend …You've already helped me so much and even if you don’t say a word anymore I will be grateful to you.I left. And he KNEW about the affair which he told me in his desperate attempts to get me to stay. It made everything even worse, for him and me. I was in a complete shock barely able to speak at all. I just couldn't believe that he knew and said nothing. He found out two weeks prior(maybe even longer). We had a long talk and he tried to say anything he could to make me stay. But I didn't. Even the fact that he knew and still wanted to be with me and make it work didn't change my mind. It actually reinforced my decision. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make. I don’t feel happy but I do have some sense of relief. He texts me and calls me all the time and its exhausting. He is completely desperate and wants me back no matter what. He has changed in the past few months but it was way too late. I am not going back and that I know.What kills me the most is that I cheated on him and even though he said it’s whatever and he would get over it, I keep beating myself up about it. I can’t let it go. He didn't deserve it. I should have left him before. I know why I did it and he also knows because he knows how much I complained about our sex life so that’s why he was willing to overlook it (he said so). But I am just so disappointed in myself and I feel like not only that I caused him so much pain by leaving, cheating added more ugliness and torture to this situation.I cry and cry for him because I feel I created all of this and ruined him.My family and friends are helping me and I’m so grateful to have them, because their support means everything.Thank you my friend for listening to me.Yours truly.
A
female
reader, thisgirldances  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 I am so sorry my friend! :(
Life has been busy and I did not read your follow up until now! I am sad I did not reply to it already.
How are you doing since your post? Hope you are okay.
My husband figured it out on his own.
I would advise you not to tell your husband about your affair. It would be the kindest thing to do for him. No need for him to ever know. Things will be difficult enough for all involved.
Marriages can fall apart for so many reasons. You do not need to add insult to injury by telling him about the affair. This stuff really hurts men deeply too. Not just women.
Keep in touch. Hope to hear you are okay and things are getting better.
HUGS!
xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy Friend I am sending you big hugs right back. And one day I would like to hug you in person…Your story helps me because I really don’t have anyone that can relate, not even close, and it’s hard to explain myself so many times. And I don’t mean it’s hard to repeat myself, it’s just hard for others to understand how conflicting and impeding my feelings are. As I may have mentioned before, the thought of leaving him and telling him that it’s over –makes my insides turn; but then if I look at the other option I don’t even see it anymore; even if I try to force myself to picture my future with him I cannot do it. So that is my answer!
I know it will be hard and I will l struggle just as you are but at this point I don’t have a choice. Your child is lucky to have you as a mother. I don’t have children and won’t even pretend like I understand what you go through. I know two sets of parents with children with disabilities, one of which is severely disabled. Again, I am completely unable to understand what they go through but I must say both of those sets of friends are one of the strongest, most leveled, most positive people I know. I think it’s their perspective and the strength they give to each other. I love being around them.
I do have a question meaning to ask: Do I tell him about the affair? Did you tell your husband? I want to tell him more for a reason so he doesn't think it’s all his fault for me leaving. It’s really not, or shouldn't be, a who’s fault is it game but I am conflicted on what to do. I haven’t told anyone about the affair. It was purely physical and it’s over. But there is such a stigma about women having an affair and I know no one (including myself) never saw it coming from me. But we as women are just as sexual as men and at times (different age) even more so. And after so many desperate attempts at home, why is it so unheard of that yes I will get it somewhere else. It’s hormones, its fundamental, we are created for it, science proves it .. and no matter how much we would like to pretend that we evolved above it –it’s a lie!
Again thank you for all of your advice and support. It means the world to me.
Yours truly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): Awww. You're so welcome. I am very glad I was able to help in some way.Just knowing we are not alone and that someone else has gone though the same thing sometimes gives us strength and hope. Yes, we do make it out to the other side. There is a beautiful life waiting for us... we just have to have the courage to follow our road to happiness. Past every single road block, the biggest of all which is fear.I am still struggling some days but I know it is what I had to do. I could not imagine going on forever with this man that I did not fully give my heart to. And I would always be vulnerable to someone else. It is always better to get out and live life honestly than carry on a charade. An affair is exciting, sure it is. But it is never the answer. Just a band aid solution.I cried when I read your post too. Because I have been there. Am still there. And my child has a disability so it is even harder. :( But it is all about the people who surround you who give you strength but it must first come from yourself. You must pick yourself up and they will carry you. Until you grow your own wings and believe me, you will fly.I had so many days I was just so tired of being strong. And I broke down. Over and over. But I kept going. You have to. I promise you... you will be happy again. Hold onto hope and good thoughts and be positive. Take care of YOU. Self doubt and questioning your choices is part of the process. It is normal. Because it is a major decision and life change. We always question if what we are doing is right. And perhaps years down the road, you will still wonder. But we must make choices and stick by them. Know what is in your heart. I think that when you listen to your heart, you will never regret your choices. Know that you have the right reasons backing that choice. Take away all the fear, self doubt, wondering etc and just look at that choice without any of those things. It will hold up.Sending you big hugs. And wishing you the very best. You will be just fine. I believe that. xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Friend, I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story as it hits so close to home. I've read it times and times again and I cry every time. I cry because for the first time I hear a familiar voice, someone that can relate and truly understand. I do feel alone and I am scared, and it tears me apart what will this do to him. I've brought in some of my family/friends to help me out but at the end of the day it’s my struggle and my decision that I face.Knowing that you went through it and persevered is so empowering to me ..and your strength throughout feels reassuring and liberating. I've also been through way too much in my life to not fight for myself or to settle. I've never anticipated for this to happen and it’s hard sometimes to even believe that it is happening. I have no doubts about my decision, and that I know, but it doesn't make it any easier.Hearing that you are happy and having fulfilling relationship is exhilarating to me and makes me so happy for you. It gives me hope that someday I will be okay.Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your compassion.Forever grateful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): I left a 17 year marriage after 3 additional years of hanging on hoping it would all get better. Did counselling. All of it. But in the end the marriage could not be saved. I suppose over time many different factors contributed. But in the end it resulted in lack of physical attraction for my husband and no longer wanting to be intimate with him or having sex. When the sex dies, so does love, so does the relationship. I was not willing to live with a roommate for the rest of my life or be forced to have sex as part of an obligation to a commitment I made, which in time, did change.You recognize your situation. That is good. You are not ignoring it. Pretending to go on with the façade because that is what everyone expects of you, including your fiancé. Better to realize the truth now, isn't it? Getting married would only make it worse and it would be too late to realize you made a mistake. Extricating oneself from a marriage is very complicated. And if you can avoid it to begin with, this is clearly the best choice.I know it is not easy because despite your not having the feelings you should have, your fiancé is still your friend and you still do care about him. You have been with him a long time. Even if the past year and a half has been miserable. There is a comfort zone, a sense of stability. We all like stability and familiarity. Change is very scary for any of us. I can tell you that I have been through it. I just made the choice and lined up all my ducks in order to make sure I was doing all the right things to get myself out of the relationship. My husband worked and I was a stay at home mom with a young child. So not easy. What I did was find someone to listen to me and support me in the way of family. So have a support network. Talk to them. Bounce ideas off them. You will need support because you will feel alone, even if the decision is the right one. I reached out and this helped me immensely not only through support and listening but my friends and family offered ideas that I never thought of. So first thing I did was get a job. Make myself financially independent. Not easy but I did it. While I was getting back on my feet, I had my family supporting me and they saved my life. My ex and I sold our home, split the assets and both went on our way. Him to a new home and me to my own new home. We have shared custody of our child now and we are better friends than ever before.I was so scared when I first did it. The fear actually stopped me from leaving for a long time. I questioned myself and was not sure I could do it. As he had supported me throughout our marriage. Looking back I wish I had done it sooner. What I gained is renewed independence, strength in myself, self confidence, freedom and finally happiness. I am now dating a man who I have an incredible PASSION for and it is reciprocated. We have wonderful, incredible, amazing sex and an amazing connection outside the bedroom too. So you can find that again. It does happen. But first take care of yourself. Take all the steps you need to take to make yourself independent and able to live on your own. Yes it is scary. I cried many nights because I felt so alone, that I uprooted my whole life. And I did question my decision... many times over.... But I know it is right as you will know. I questioned it not because it would not be the right choice but because I was afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of never finding love again. Or happiness. But you will. We all want to take the path of least resistance but sometimes the road to happiness is very bumpy and we must go through the bumps. It is an endless journey and work in progress making yourself happy. You are grieving the loss and end of a relationship, even if it is the right decision so be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Nurture yourself. Do things to comfort yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a day at the spa just to release all that stress and worry and feeling of self doubt. Never blame yourself. I did for so long because I felt I was a failure but you can't be a failure if you are listening to your own heart. A failure would give up and live in misery. A fighter knows they are scared and still does what they have to do. That ended up being me. And it can be you.Sometimes we must go through the storm to reach the shore. So for awhile you will be out of sorts. You will go through some very bad days. But you will also have some good days. Cherish the good ones. Be strong enough to start over. Be strong enough to know that you cannot and will settle for less of a relationship than you deserve. Do this for you. Because at the end of the day, it is YOUR life to live. And we only have one. And what a short one it is.I also had an affair during the last year of my marriage. It was not physical but rather emotional and this signalled to me that there was something very wrong with my marriage if I was reaching out to another man, be it physically or emotionally. So your affair was a good indication that your relationship with your fiancé was in trouble. Yes, you satisfied your sexual urges and as you said you did not fall in love. But now the next step is to find a man you can love and have sex with, a real relationship. A real, fulfilling relationship. Because one with sex and nothing else is not fulfilling and neither is an emotional one without sex. Sex is a major ingredient in a relationship. Sadly so many people force themselves to live with someone without the sexual spark because of a piece of paper... fear, panic, the unknown... all of those things. In the end, it is a shame. Many of these people do end up in affairs instead of just being honest and moving on when the spark dies. Because I believe when it dies, it is dead. It cannot be resurrected.I wish you the best. Know you will get through it. I have found that no matter what has happened to me in life... and I have had so many curveballs thrown at me... that you somehow, some way land on your feet. In the end, it always works out in some way. It will be a new normal but a new beginning nonetheless. Embrace it. Enjoy it. It happened for a reason.Take Care. :)
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