A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband of three years and I have just entered into a trial separation(no kids). He moved out. Things have escalated over the past 6 months to a spot neither of us want to be in our marriage. The whole time I have wanted to work on things and make things better and he wanted "space" to think I guess. He has said that he no longer loves me and that being with me is painful. The separation was a mutual agreement and we came to terms with how much we would see each other and talk. We agreed on a date once a week. Also agreed no dating others. As far as contact we did nail down but I think it was understood email/ texting was still acceptable. And that had already been reduced anyway. Where we used to text regularly during the day at work we no longer talk at all unless urgent. Before we had agreed to the separation he had agreed to sleeping at the house (in another room) and having dinner once a week with me. Other than that I would not see him but morning and night passing each other. Sometimes he came home earlier but usually he would be home till 10ish and went straight to his room. Nights he came home early we sometimes would watch tv together but not talk. Before that he wasn't coming home most nights and stayed at a friend which upset me. The problems we had were nothing that couldn't be overcome but they were left unchecked which made matters worse. He no longer wanted to be around me and spent less and less time until it started to lead to fights. Than the fighting led to hurt feelings and you get the idea. He started spending time with his friends and stopped spending time with me. At first he invited me along with his friends but slowly I was not invited which was when te fighting got worse (6months ago) Point is his "friends" both happen to be female. Friend 1 has some daddy issues, she is currently dating a woman and has told my husband to leave me (I think due to the fact that her father left her maybe I don't really care why but you get the point). Friend 2 has always been super nice to me. I thought that she and I could be friends. We have similar backgrounds and interests. But I also noticed she was getting along with my husband very well. I've never been jealous and decided it didn't matter because he was married to me. Until I wasn't invited anymore and he started being "secretive" I never looked at his phone but he didn't mind if I did but he started caring. Sounds like he's cheating right? So things continue to worsen and now we are separated. He has told me on many occasions he is not cheating. I know cheaters do this I'm not stupid. I have no evidence that it's more than a friendship just a gut feeling (and evidence that it is atleast a good friendship phone records) when we do talk he doesn't mention her and rarely mentions friend 1 but I know he is spending most of his time with both of them sometimes alone with each sometimes together. Since he has moved out the tension between us is better. When I'm with him I try my best to have fun. And I do. We laugh and joke and it's weird because we hardly did that when he was at home. And I think he enjoys it too. He told me he has a really hard time leaving and I know that he was crying and having a hard time with the decision to leave. But the atmosphere when we are together is pleasant now. bottom line is I know that for us to be together and resolve our issues he won't be friends with them. He can't keep secrets anymore. I need to tell him this though. Do I tell him in person or write it in an email? I feel like it's maybe something that needs to be said in person but the time together is so little that I don't want him to have a bad taste in his mouth. But I think I'm ready to put my foot down and say either you give up these "friends" or there is no point in this trial separation because it is not going to work out. I don't want him to see me as giving up but that is the truth. Sorry this is so long but I felt an adequate background was needed for my answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
I have asked him straight up and he denies it. He is not willing to admit that he has been unfaithful. But I know for a fact that there is something wrong. Just the fact that I am uncomfortable with the relationship to be enough for him to end it. But not only that but the fact that he was not willing to share with me every detail. If it was only a friend he would be able to share with me.
This is not all new to me it's been going for months. A couple months ago I was upset one night and emailed the "friend" I basically said I knew what was going on and confronted her about it. I got no response but my husband told be that she was upset. He said "wouldn't you be upset if someones wife thought that about you"
Which got me thinking. I have a male friend at work. We aren't nearly as close as they are as we rarely see each other outside of work. I am not opposed to men and women being friends. Point is I talk to this man outside of work on occasion. I would not be opposed to my husband reading these conversations in fact chances are he's seen the emails. But if the mans wife confronted me I would stop being friends with him. A friendship isn't worth breaking up a marriage. Apparently to this "friend" of his it is.
I do plan on living life. I think I've already shown this to him atleast some. I've been trying to make new friends and move on. It's hard because we spent most of our time together and I had very few friends outside our circle. I feel weird hanging out with most of those people. They know there is something going on but not the whole story. I'm not a hobby person but I have tried to find new interests.
He is not interested in counseling. I can try agian but he will say no.
He says he no longer loves me. But if he no longer loved me I think it would be easy for him to leave. I think he would not be hurting like he is. I think he does love me but he is confusing lust for love maybe? He doesn't want to "be intimate" with me (his words) but he still cares for me. If my gut feeling is correct he has fallen for this other woman and can I blame him. Things had gotten miserable at home. Part of put problems were I has stopped loving. We both had. We had stopped doing those little things that showed we cared. Maybe it happens in all marriages. But he chalked this up to I didn't care for him. Actually this was probably the major flaw in our marriage maybe the only one. A big one I guess.
So I need to tell him to lose the friends. And I need to work on me. If he is unwilling to lose the friends it is over there is no point in even trying. I still don't know if telling him in person is right. I'm trying to not be needy. Although I often feel like calling him and confessing my love I know that would be dumb. Should I wait till things settle down before I tell him to lose the friends. Or should I do it as soon as possible? The point of the separation is to see how we feel apart. I already know how I feel he's been gone for a while to me. Anyway I don't want him to react on anger and leave but I guess it doesn't matter. If he is not willing to tell his friends goodbye then I am not important to him and he has no interest in the marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Focus on YOU. Your needs, wants, interests. Take on a new hobby. Meet new people. Discover who you are! Look at the bright side of this. You have the freedom to be you!
You're spending too much time focusing on him when he is only interested in himself. Why allow him to live rent free in your head when he'd rather give the attention you deserve to his women friends? I would definitely put my foot down there...or start hanging out with guys.
Don't allow him to make you feel small or that you are the one at his mercy. You have the power here to become strong and move past this. Once he sees this in you that you won't tolerate is back and forth wishy washy behavior and you get tired of waiting he will come crawling back. The truth is that you have to start moving on for him to come back to you... but does he deserve it? You will find happiness elsewhere too.
Take this time to smell the roses and enjoy life. It will also show him the person that he originally fell in love with... someone with a zest for life. Don't allow him to live rent-free in your head!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Gut feelings are awfully correct all to often, but not always.
You are correct on the following:
"for us to be together and resolve our issues he won't be friends with them" Correct, absolutely. You have to be the most important person in his life, bar none.
"He can't keep secrets anymore." Correct, absolutely.
"I need to tell him this though." Yes, you do, it's part of your "due diligence".
"Do I tell him in person or write it in an email?" Both, and be very clear.
"But I think I'm ready to put my foot down and say either you give up these "friends" or there is no point in this trial separation because it is not going to work out" Correct, and it is because you are in a marriage, not a "friendship" and there are differences. His behavior makes you insecure.
However, before all of this is said and done, use a counselor if he will go, to make sure that your insecurities are not of your own making alone.
"He has said that he no longer loves me and that being with me is painful."
If this is true, then marriage is pointless.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 As I was reading what y ou wrote i was feeling 'he's having an affair'.. Then i read he has two female friends. Yes It seems obvious to me that he has been having an affair with at least one of them. When some one asks for a trial seperation more often than not someone else is involved. So i would be 99 percent sure that's what hes been doing.; Getting him to admit it would be another thing. I wonder if he is seeing them both? i wouldnt rule that out either. Something is so wrong here. The reason why you would get on a bit better when he's gone is because the pressure is off him, that pressure being you, stopping him doing what his heart desires, not y our fault though. So do some delving if you are interested, ask him point blank if he's got someone else. You may have to just let him go.
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