A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband of three years and I have been separated for almost 3 months. Before that we were living together but rarely saw each other for about 4 months. We had some obvious problems and were fighting a lot. The decision to separate was probably a good one. Since the separation we have seen each other on occasion and have spent meaningful time together reconnecting. However, it only got phyiscal once. It was the first time we had sex in nearlly 6 months. After that I tried a few times to be intamate with him but he did not respond. Finally he told me that he felt nothing when we had sex. Which our relationship is a at a very low point. I know he loves me but he is not "in love" with me. He tells me he misses me but that he is also lonely. I miss him too but I am actually enjoying the time apart. It has given me time to get my life together and do things just for me. So here's the thing. I believe he is cheating on me. I suspected it from the beginning and it is part of the reason for our marriage woes. I know the person it is a "friend" of his. Because they are friends he of course denys that there is anything and any evidence I have could be chalked up to friendship.My evidence:phone calls texts dating back to June. And way more than any other "friend"Early o. After some big fights he left and was staying at friends houses a few times. He started staying at her house regularly, I found this out by finding his car there.He lied to me about being with her on a couple occasinons, except he was careful to never straight up lie just not tell the whole truthI could go on with more proof and it is apparent that he is likely having a relationship with this woman. He denys it of course. After the separation I told him that his relationship with her was hurting me and that he needed to end it. I actually think he stopped seeing her for some time after that. I have no way of knowing for sure except for phone records and the way he acted. Well recently he has been calling her again. And his attitude changed.A short discussion after seeing each other one night he told me he doesn't think we want the same things out of life. Basically it sounded like he believed it was over. I think we owe it to our relationship, which was once great, to actually put forth effort in to fixing our problems. I do agree with him that if we are in different places in life and we want different things we should not be married. My problem is that he thinks I am ready to settle down, he has even called me old and boring at one point (during an argument) it's true I'm older than I was in college when we met, I have no problem with growing up over the seven years we have been together we both slowed down and got good jobs and bought a house. Well when you have responsibilities and bills to pay and a job to go to in the morning you're not going to stay up all night partying. And we weren't. For years after college we both fell into a more adult lifestyle (with the occasional fun night out or vacation). Than about the time he met her it changed. He suddenly want to go out and stay out late more often. I was always included but she was always there along with some other people. Suddenly he never wanted to be with me alone. Even if I would suggest doing something he would invite others along. He claims now he was very unhappy for months leading up to this. Now he says he's not ready to "grow up" but I am and this is the reason we shouldn't be together. I'm not saying people can't change because he obviously has but he want to say this is all me. It's my fault I was trying to change him and mold him into the husband I wanted him to be, when really I just wanted the man that I married back. The man who was cool watching tv with me at home on Friday night. Which is the man I still believe he is. Is there any hope for our relationship? divorce is long and painful and expensive. It will require him to be more adult than anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thanks. That is a really good way of thinking about it. I have always pictured my life with him and I find it hard to think of my life without him but i also deserve to be happy. Right bow I just want to be happy with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This isn't about you giving him an ultimatum, or being a door mat, it is you moving on with your life and if he chooses to follow is up to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe will let me end it?
I don't want to end it. I mean apparently he does?
I want him to choose to be with me and fix things. Not be with me because I give him an ultimatum and he's lonely.
I can't make this decision for him though sometimes I feel like he wants me to.
He also has not told people yet. Like he is embarrassed about it or something. Makes me wonder more about an affair. I feel like all along he's tried to blame it on every possible thing so that it wouldn't be that he is having an affair. Maybe I'm just looking for it but I don't think I am.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Divorce is long and painful. It is expensive but worth every penny. When a relationship is going belly up. And doing so in the face of one of the persons rational and logical attempts at salvaging it, there must be a time that this person has to look reality in the eye and say this relationship is floundering because the other person doesn't want to do what it takes to fix it.When you come to this point and communicate this to your partner, one of two things will happen. He will realize he has pushed you to the breaking point and is about to lose you for all time and do what it takes to fix things, or he will let you end it.Either way it will let the both of you move forward and get on with your lives.
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