A
female
age
51-59,
*08FaithfulWife
writes:Hello, never done this before so please excuse my inexperience. I've been with my husband total 17 yrs. been married for 6 yrs. this May 2015. We never had fights just disagreements here and there. He also treated with love, kindness, respect and loyalty till the past 2 yrs. or so. I noticed changes in him towards me and starting having that "funny gut feeling" something was wrong. We never had any kids between us but I have a son (20 yr. old now) whom he raised as his own from the age of 2 yrs. old.I looked into my feelings and tried to talk about what was happening. He finally told me his true feelings he held in for over 3+ yrs. in a "Dear John" letter, saying that he doesn't love me anymore, nor does he want to be with me. He asked me to move out of his place which I did; it's been 4 months we've been separated. On top of this all, I found out about his emotionally "tryst" with a coworker and he finally slept with her recently.I am still his wife (stupid loyal respectful so hurt wife) and want to talk in person to try understand and figure out where to go with our marriage now. He has no interest in counseling and denied having an affair. He refuses to talk to me or see me. I'm not angry just so broken hearted and very sad... Need help to figure his thinking/feelings right now cause I'm confused with all kinds of feelings like divorce or fight for my marriage and husband!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): You don't fight for a marriage after being told your spouse doesn't love you anymore. You get a lawyer. He's a coward and wants to make a clean break without any challenge. He is counting on you taking a weak-stance; and just letting him keep his house and assets without a legal separation and divorce.
I know you are feeling emotional and very vulnerable right now. The man kicked you out of your own house!!! It's half yours now. I know that you have been given the advice to try and reach out to him.
DON'T!!! Your lawyer can do that.
Your pleading gives him narcissistic-supply; knowing that he has power over your feelings and emotions. Besides, you can't force him to respond anyway.
He will use his silence as a means to wear you down psychologically. Once he has, he will kick you while you're down; and he will file for divorce. His hopes are; you'll rollover with no-contest, move on amicably, and give-up everything you deserve. He's a rat-bastard! You'll have to summon just a little bit of the "bitch" you've got buried down deep. Not to be vengeful or malignant; but to show some power and authority over your own feelings. He's counting on you to come across as powerless and submissive.
Again, DON'T!!!
You've already tried to talk; but he's freezing you out. This is a passive-aggressive tactic to leave you to drown in anxiety and depression; in order to zap you of any strength to confront him, or stand-up to him in any way.
Accept the reality that he doesn't love you anymore. Get yourself a good divorce attorney and get what's coming to you. You don't just toss your wife out like rubbish; and give her the kiss-off with a "Dear-John" letter. If you've never stood-up boldly for yourself, this is the time to do it. There is no room for being a wimpy, whiny, weak-female. This is a time you need to show your strength and resolve.
Get a divorce, take your portion of the assets, and move on with your life. Healing will be delayed; but you will gather more strength as you take action to give him the freedom he wants. Take a man seriously when he says he doesn't love you anymore. It's hard for men to show their emotions; but if he told you he doesn't love you, he means it. It is certain he has already found your replacement, or he wouldn't have been as cold-blooded and foul as he was when he asked you to move out of YOUR house.
I place emphasis on taking your half of the property; because when men dog women like he did, he is counting on you being weak and letting him keep everything you both built and maintained together. He is also counting on your frailness of mind, and allowing your emotions to overrule your judgment. You must show him that he has miscalculated you. He may not love you anymore, but he will damned well respect you as a woman.
Walk with your head held high, and trust your own power and strength. You owe it to yourself. There are times when we have to show our metal, and this is one of them for you.
Get some grief counseling, you'll need to vent your feelings of loss and grief. Don't do it all on your own.
Gain strength through other females. Your mother, sisters, grandmother, and female friends. Women live longer than men because they have better support-systems through crisis, and you allow your emotions to flow freely. Just don't let them overwhelm you. That support system I spoke of, being other females. Use that resource! Don't lean on people, but re-energize from their love, care, and support.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): I agree that you should get a lawyer ASAP. I know that you're hurt, but looking for closure will not solve anything and that need is only a consequence of your temporary weakness caused by the pain. He told you everything there's to know - he doesn't want to be with you anymore period. On the other hand, from the little you told us, I think he was hard on you. I'm not referring just to that "my place" thing. He told you that he had been living a lie for 3+ years! As if you somehow made him. If anything, he made you live that lie. He made you think that everything was fine, that you're OK as a couple. Now that's awful and shows that he has no guts.Leaving such a long relationship must be hard, but lying to someone for years is monstrous. It seems to me that he would continue to lie had it not been this thing with his coworker. He’s probably terrified of being alone so he stayed with you until he found someone else to help him cope.Now tell me, do you really need to talk to someone like him? How could you trust anything he would say? Not to mention that he would most probably try to hurt you even more.I also got a feeling that he blames you for being entrapped instead of himself for staying that long.I’m sorry that this has happened to you. Your best option is to be active and take the wheel. Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015): I am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't know if your marriage can be saved or not, but I think you should still see a counselor for yourself, to help sort out your grief. As the other posters have said, please see a good attorney and see what your options are. Remember to plan for the worst, and expect the best. Just because you see the lawyer and discuss what happens if you divorce, doesn't mean you are not hoping for your marriage to continue. It doesn't sound good that your husband is already seeing someone else and has been for 3 years, I am sure you know this. I don't see a problem for you to occasionally reach out to try and talk with him, and get some closure, unless your attorney advises you not to. If he won't respond, there may be nothing more you can do.Reach out to your friends and family for support. Don't sign anything until your attorney reads it first. So sorry.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2015):
 You need to get a great divorce lawyer, like, NOW. He asked you to move out of "his" place? If you're his wife of 17 years, it's also YOUR place. Your move out could be misconstrued by a judge.
Get to a great divorce lawyer TODAY. Bring all your documentation including the Dear John letter.
Depending on the state, you will have different options. The lawyer will know.
You can decide later if you want to fight for your marriage, right now, you need to be focusing on fighting for your future and what is legally and properly yours as a result of your 17 years of marriage.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 May 2015):
 If he doesn't WANT to be with you any more you can fight all the windmills you want, he isn't going to change his mind.
I know it's hard to accept, but WHAT he wants from you, is to be set free.
File for divorce, get the ball rolling, if you don't live in a no fault state, USE his extra marital affair in the divorce. (or not) Up to you.
I can't IMAGINE wanting to be with someone who doesn't WANT to be with me.
And if you want, go see a counselor for YOU, not for him.
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