A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I just want to see if anyone else finds my older sister as selfish and thoughtless as I do?Basically, shes 35 and has her own family - 2 kids and a husband, nice home etc. Im 26 and about to have my first baby. For as long as I can remember, my sister has had a best friend 'clare' who is more like a sister to her. While I dont begrudge her having friends at all, in the past my sister has done some things that i really disagree with. The main thing is taking her family to spend xmas day with clare and her family rather than come over to our mum and dad's house to spend the day with me and my other sister, and my mum and dad. She has done this for years now. My sister's husband's family are also upset that they never spend xmas day with them either. It upsets my family alot and I am particularly upset that she would rather spend next christmas at Clares rather than with us when I have a new baby too. Because of this I refuse to talk to her. Other things she has done includes not coming out for my birthday meal claiming to be 'skint' and then the very following weekend goes on a hen weekend with her friends. She has even forgotten my other sisters birthday before, which upset my other sister alot. She has another side to her which is lovely and she has always been there in times of need for me. But I also feel that her family come second to her friends and because of this I feel like I just want to cut ties with her. My parents also feel the same as she has upset them too. I just wanted to know what other aunts think and what they would do in this situation?Thanks
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 February 2010):
For whatever reason, your sister wants little to do with her in laws and family in general. She will have her reasons. All you can do is be there for the day she decides her family is important to her (which may never happen). As for you, focus on your newborn.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Unfortuantly not everyone places the same value on family as you do. To some people family comes above all others, whereas others feel close friends are more important. There's that saying that friends are the new family in modern times. It used to be that families would stay together and live near each other. There would be all generations living together. Now with people moving all over the world, the attitude is shifting and some people are much closer to friends than their family.
I'm sure she loves you and doesn't intentionally do this to upset you all. Maybe she isnt aware how much her behaviour upsets her family. Some people dont. My boyfriend for example is a bit like your sister. He loves his family but has distanced himself from them perhaps for self protection. He was told that his cousins were upset he hadnt informed them about an emergency operation he had. It didnt even occur to him to tell them. Some people are just not as tyed to family values as others. Some people choose to reject their families values for various reasons. It is most likely psychological, something to do with how she reacted to her upbringing. Perhaps she feels she is not liked/needed/accepted/wanted by your parents as her siblings. Maybe she has distanced herself to avoid feeling unwanted or feeling like the black sheep perhaps?
I'd try to talk to her about how her behaviour makes you and her family feel. She will most likely not be fully aware of it. Try not to place blame on anyone, just let her know how much family means to you and becasue of this her behaviour makes you feel upset. Say that you'd like to spend xmas with her for a change.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 February 2010):
 I am in a similar situation with my brother to be honest. I don't get along with him because I know he will do what he wants rather than meeting family responsibilities (which always fall to me). Unlike your sister, he is rubbish in times of crisis too. I would say don't cut ties altogether - you have a new baby who may need an aunt one day. You just have to stop expecting her to be as you would like. That is how I deal with my brother - I don't see him very often to reduce the opportunity of rows and keep our conversations to 'strictly family business'. You can not like someone I suppose and still keep in touch vaguely for family reasons. If you have low expectations of her and don't make sisterly demands on her then perhaps you still have a chance to have 'some' relationship with her, even if it is not the one you would have hoped for in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Invite her to your family's gatherings but with claire aswell
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 February 2010):
 I would "write" her off for now. Let her do her thing. Obviously family doesn't mean the same thing to her as it does to you.
Some say blood is thicker then water, it isn't really, it's just red... If she doesn't want to spend time with you all, then why do you want to spend time with her ?
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