A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I know some people may judge me for this but about two months back I snooped on my boyfriends phone.I saw he had been exchanging lots of messages with this girl he goes to university with who he is actually going to be living with next academic year (not just her, there are 6 of them all going to live together, mixture of boys and girls). They were mostly just friendly messages but sometimes a little flirty, but what bothered me most was that he was telling her really personal stuff about his family etc. that I would think he would tell me - some of the stuff he said I didn't even know! Anyway, I said to him at the time (back in November) that I was uncomfortable and wanted him to stop talking to her, and he said okay he would.However, again I snooped about a week later, I know I shouldn't have but in a way I don't regret it because what do I find... more messages! He had completely ignored what I asked him, which I don't think was too much? And he had been messaging her non-stop, even when he was with me! I don't know how I didn't see the messages he was receiving from her when we were spending time together, I guess I'm just obliviously stupid. Again, these were mostly friendly, a little bit flirty, but there was one particularly message where she asked him to come see her after he had been on a night out at a club (so around 4am). So of course I was really mad and AGAIN confronted him. He swore nothing happened that night and was able to prove to me 100% nothing did happen (hard to explain how, I can elaborate if you need me to) and I said to him like, either stop talking to her or its over. So he stopped talking to her, I made him show me the message he sent to her saying he couldn't speak to her anymore and that was that.However, recently he had been really distant and our sex life is completely dead. In the past month and a half we've only had sex once, which for us really isn't a lot.So I thought, and AGAIN I know it's bad to do this but right now I really don't trust him, so I snooped on his laptop. And surprise surprise, there were messages from her! Just a few about signing the contract to rent the house next year and about her not getting enough sleep or something, but that was it, literally from today. So I thought, strange. Why just today?So then later on in the day I checked again and the messages were gone! He had deleted them.Now I'm thinking, has he been messaging her this whole time and been deleting the messages in case I checked again, and I've just coincidentally looked today and realised? Or was this a one time thing and they don't really talk that much, and he deleted the conversation because it was finished and there was no need to keep a record of it?Please I'm so confused! Is my boyfriend of two years cheating on me? Or is he just not willing to lose a friend over me? Or am I being paranoid?
View related questions:
am I being paranoid, flirt, sex life, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 February 2016):
 I can see you not wanting to give up a two year relationship, that is understandable. But it is obvious that he doesn't care about how you feel, he is willing to lose this relationship over talking to that other girl. You should never allow a partner to lie to you and get away with it. Ask yourself truthfully do you think you will trust him to live with her next year? He is not willing to give her up for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers. To the anonymous male reader, I said to my boyfriend that if she had been messaging him or anything (not giving away I knew that they were still talking) that I could always talk to her and tell her to stop, but he told me definitely not to. He was actually rather aggressive when telling me to stay away and not mention anything to her - he said he didn't want things to be awkward when he lived with her next year.
And thanks for the reply aunt honesty, we've been together for 2 years and I feel like we shouldn't ruin that over one friend he has that I don't like, but why can't he just stop talking to her? Why is she so special that he's willing to make this relationship uncomfortable and at times just not a happy one, all for her?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 February 2016):
You asked him to stop talking to her, he has agreed even though he didn't want to so he has just gotten better at hiding it from you.
I think she may have been contacting him a bit much yes for friends, and yes there are some red flag warnings asking him to go and see her at 4am. However he has not stopped talking to her. He should have just been straight with you, said she is only a friend and that he shouldn't have to stop talking to her, but he did agree with you, so therefore now he is lying to you. That is not a good thing for a relationship. Again you don't trust him, and I can't blame you if he is lying to you.
I think this relationship is on rocky water. Especially now if they are going to be living together you will never trust him, so therefore it is up to you now how you move forward. Telling lies would be a deal breaker for me .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): It is obvious that you need to contact the girl directly and say that you appreciate their friendship but it is getting ridiculous how much they speak and it is inappropriate so if she would calm it a little.
...............................
|
