A
female
age
26-29,
*eywild126
writes:I have a problem that's seriously interfering with my sex life. When I was 11, I learned about how sex worked by looking up naughty videos. These videos and games were hentai, and often portrayed sex as bloody and painful and that the woman didn't really want it. I distinctly remember then, even though it did arouse me a little, also being horrified and thinking to myself "I am never letting that happen to me. Nothing is EVER going in there." I remember being sick to my stomach, and for days afterwards I would cross my legs very tightly any time a guy was around, just out of instinct, even if it was a friend or family member. As I've gotten older, I KNOW that's not how sex, good sex, works and that it's supposed to be very pleasurable for both parties. But I think those videos scarred me, because now I'm 20 years old, have a healthy libido, have a boyfriend, and I'm too squeamish to finger myself or let my boyfriend do anything. Even in the heat of the moment, when I'm horny and really, REALLY want something inside me, whenever I try, the second I start to push in even a little, it feels uncomfortable and my libido plummets. I can't even use tampons. Every time I've tried, I get so nervous, I make myself sick. I KNOW that I want to have sex and I want to have something in me; my body really craves that. I know sex is supposed to feel good, but it's like there's this subconscious thing, this mental wall, that gets in the way every time. I want to talk to a counsellor about this, but I don't know if the counsellors at university are allowed to talk about this kind of thing, and I don't have the money for a proper counsellor or a sex therapist, so I came here looking for some answers.Has anyone else ever experienced this? Has anyone ever gotten past it? What do I do to get past this subconscious fear, or how do I get rid of it?
View related questions:
horny, libido, money, sex life, tampon, university, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Sex is a gentle and loving physical activity between two people that care for each other. Anything else(like violent sex is just not sex. It's rape or physical abuse. You don't need to get over it you need a real lover that respects your body.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2016):
 Why would a counselor not be allowed to talk about this? Yes, they are allowed, I don't see why they should not be allowed. They're not allowed to HAVE sex WITH a patient, but they are allowed to talk to a patient about the problems they have, including in the bedroom.
And I think it's a good idea to talk to someone about this, and your best option probably would be a counselor who you can trust not to discuss it with others.
My advice for you though is to stop giving some hentai of the past this much credit. My guess, not professional at all, and very blunt to the point, is that you have made this into a problem and blamed that old hentai for it, because you are afraid to grow up. Having sex is what adults do, and as a child and young teenager it was normal to be timid and maybe worried and have these concerns, but they do not belong to an adult woman. You are clinging on to these out-dated and non-logical thought patterns because you find them comforting. They're a neat excuse for not growing up. If I am right, then sex symbolizes adulthood for you, and you're scared of numerous other things, but using sex as your primary excuse. For example, have you moved out of your parents house yet? Have you gotten a job? Have you been given responsibilities as an adult would have?
Could be, if you were given too much responsibilities too early on, you are wishing to hold on to that last part pf childhood you have left: your fear of sex.
Good luck! Do talk to a professional if this doesn't resolve itself or you're not able to overcome it on your own. This is no way to live life and it's a terrible relationship to have with ones own body.
...............................
A
female
reader, Songwr1ter  +, writes (30 January 2016):
This sounds like a phobia to me. Or maybe anxiety. So yes, I agree with everyone else. Talk to a therapist, or someone you can trust, and hopefully you'll be able to overcome that fear.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2016): Fear of rape is a REAL phobia/anxiety and can be developed for any reason at any age. And it doesn't only affect women. Some boys and men can develop it too.You describe symptoms of anxiety when you mention nausea, being nervous etc. And it CAN be dealt with. You are still very young and have done the best thing: you didn't force yourself to overcome your fear by having sex. It would have been counterproductive.As with any fear it is important to realize, even when it was provoked by an assault in the past, that the danger is not REAL now, at this moment. It takes time, will, energy and most importantly HELP.You should talk to a counselor, maybe they can either help you with it or recommend someone who can.Cognitive therapy shows a lot of success in treating anxiety and phobias. In your case you have an advantage that you have a clear idea why and how you developed your fear, so in a sense one step of your therapy has already been accomplished.Maybe you should watch porn for women (unfortunately I don't know any specific sites, but I sure that it exists!), where there is no violence and where the characters enjoy sex and penetration brings pleasure and not pain.Also, have you tried oral sex? I mean has your partner given you oral sex (no penetration)? Have you experimented with vibrators? When you decide to try penetrative sex again maybe you should chose a pose where you are in control of the penetration (being on top). This can significantly improve your first experiences since it will give you the sense of power over your own bodyI've had some issues in connection with fear of rape, but they manifested apart from one time indirectly, only in avoiding potentially dangerous situations, like hitchhiking, being in a bad part town, or walking home alone very late at night.That one time was when a close friend of mine, who lived at my place, was raped. I was blocked for months, couldn't think about having sex with my boyfriend. But it passed. Also, just to give you a fuller picture, I was falling out of love with him, so I'm sure that it played a part in me not wanting to have sex with him.It passed because I was aware that the thoughts I was having were just THOUGHTS, so I would let them pass and would not linger on them. I would not feed them. I would be just aware of their existence and would not give them any real meaning. I would remind myself why they were there and that they were transient. For so many reasons they were not for me, so to speak. It helped a lot.I wish you all the best...
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 Its a blockage in your head, your body is telling you what it wants but your head is making you feel scared and you are tightening up. Symptoms can be similar to those who have been raped or sexually abused. I know that this is not the case for you but it might benefit you to talk to someone who specializes in the area off sexual abuse. For you, watching those things at 11 has scared you and it is still in your head, even though like victims of sexual abuse, you know the difference between good and bad, you still have that barrier up.
Only you can fix this. It is scary for most people to have sex for the first time. It is the fear of the unknown. It can be uncomfortable for the first time, and most girl do tighten up.
Talk to your boyfriend about maybe using lots of lubrication when he is trying next time this might make it feel more comfortable. Also maybe being in a very relaxing atmosphere can help.
...............................
|
