A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have so much that I don't know how to start. I'm an aunt here on this site, but I prefer to be anonymous. In spite of the fact that I'm an agony aunt, I seemed to be cursed with the inability to click with people or make friends. I'm so afraid that there's something profoundly and irreversibly wrong with me. Some people are born with something physically wrong with them, for example, a person can be born without arms, or eyes. I feel like I was born without a soul, or that my soul is somehow twisted, deformed, or not whole in some way. There just doesn't seem to be any chemistry between me and other human beings. I feel extremely lonely all the time. I try to interact with people but I can sense that people dislike me. I feel like I have a tattoo on my forehead that says, Please blow me off.I'm studying abroad right now, in Spain. I love it here, and most of the Spanish people I've met are friendly and polite, even though there are cultural differences. hardly ANYONE from Spain has been mean or rude to me, but I haven't had the chance to make friends with locals because I'm mostly in contact with other Americans and other foreigners. I'm studyi8ng my TEFL certificate so all my classes are in English with other people who speak English.I would like to have Spanish friends, but I dont' know how to make them, because I dont have much contact with them. Furthermore, I'm so afraid that if I did that, once they got to know me, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. There's something about me that makes people dislike me, and I have this knack for making enemies. Several of the Spanish people have been nice and friendly to me, but if they got to know me, they might feel differently about me, because I have this affect on people. Like I said, I'm mostly in contact with other Americans, most of whom blow me off. I try to be friendly and talk and they just say something rude or snappy that makes me feel like shit. I would just like to have FRIENDS, period, I don't care if they're black, white, or purple. I don't really care for these people at school that blow me off, but it hurts to be rejected and being lonely sucks. On one hand, I think, fuck these people, they're not nice. On the other hand, I wish with all my heart someone would just say hello to me. I've had this problem all my life, and Im scared that it all comes down to, I don't have a soul.I have a few good friends that I would do anything for, they live elsewhere, but lately no one has written me or called me and I feel like no one cares. I love Spain, but I have never felt so alone.I'm worried about my future and what will happen to me after my loved ones are gone. My only sibling is a brother a few years younger who hasn't spoken to me for ten years... Ihave a German Shepherd that I love more than life, and I know the dog loves me, but the dog will be gone someday, not far from now. I'm not gonna have anyone to love me, and I'll be alone in the world. I would like to have a boyfriend or husband. I want to share my life with someone. I have a lot of love to give but just don't know how to show it. I can't imagine anyone wanting to marry me!! I don't even have anyone to say hello to... it seems delusional to think of someone LOVING me.This social handicap that I have will affect my future, and I'm scared that I will never be able to find a husband, or get a job because of this affect Ihave on people.I'm scared I'll wind up with no one to love me.What's wrong with me? Why do I have this affect on people? How can I make friends... when i feel giving up hope? I just want to enjoy my life and I'm so scared I'm gonna blow it. For the past few nights, I have cried myself to sleep. I've prayed to the God I don't believe in, asking him to send me just one friend, but my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears... even God seems to dislike me. The key word is seems to.I just had to vent. Thanks if you can help me. Thanks for reading this, by the way. I know its windy.By the way, I clarify that I am NOT suicidal, and I would NEVER kill myself. I just cry a lot. No one in the world has any idea that I'm going through this. I haven't told my parents because they're not here to comfort me and it would just torture them to death. I've told them that Im okay. I know, it's terrible to lie to your parents, but it seems like the lesser of two evils. Loneliness is just such a drag.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 Hey everyone!! I wrote this question and I just wanted to say thanks to everyone!! Thanks for listening to me and writing to me. It means SO MUCH to me. :)
Anonymous female, I wanted to say that is a very good point you make when you say to look at things from the other person´s perspective. I hadn´t considered that but what you say makes sense. I will admit that I´m really sensitive and I feel things more intensely than most people. Thank you very much!
DocGrl, thanks too. I´m very thankful to be here. I LOVE it here in Spain and I´ve fallen in love with the place, and while I don´t regret coming here, there are things that I miss SO MUCH. I feel very fortunate to be able to travel, and I love it, but it can be overwhelming when you realize how big the world is and how far away your loved ones are. I miss my family (my friends are scattered all over the world). I do feel torn sometimes. I love it here in Spain, I´ve fallen in love with it like I knew I would, to the point that I almost can´t bear to leave. If I DID find a way to stay, though, it would break my heart to leave behind my family. However, I realize how lucky I am to be in Spain, some people never go.
DrPsych and Doc Grl, that is a BRILLIANT idea that you gave about taking classes and joining clubs. I studied abroad in Mexico, and I felt like the other exchange kids didn´t ¨click¨with me but I played in a band and worked on the theatre with the Mexican kids and felt accepted.
Maybe people are having a hard time adjusting to the new culture and I don´t relate to that. I don´t understand it, I always feel a sense of belonging in Latin countries, more so than in my own country.
It´s really strange, they coach us about culture shock... but when I go to a Latin country, I don´t have a hard time adjusting. I never set foot in Spain but I sometimes feel like I should have been Spanish, these people are like me in a lot of ways.
I´m busy with school but I think that taking a class or two is a GREAT idea. It would be so neat to have a local friend.
I´ve written a book I know, but I have some good news...
Last night the other kids from school invited me out and I really enjoyed myself. I was feeling sad and rejected but after I wrote this, things began to change. I think that I should relax and enjoy the things to be grateful for, or I´ll look back and regret that I didn´t.
I am very tahnkful to ALL the aunts who wrote me. I wish there were something nice I could do for you. But, things are getting better and I do love it here and I am so grateful for your help.
Gotta go study!! Perhaps I´ll write later! Thanks again!!!
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 I think lots of people are lonely these days...we live in a strange technological world where we have forgotten how to make friends the old-fashioned way. You don't sound like you are lacking a soul, just lacking a soul-mate. It sounds like the environment you are in maybe a problem - fellow students may not be the sort of people you can naturally be around. I think you definitely should take the opportunity to socialise with the locals - join dance classes, do some charity work or whatever it takes. You are also lacking in self confidence and put yourself down a fair bit in your post. I appreciate being rejected by people in the past can be a real downer on how you feel about yourself generally. However you need to work on that because it affects the impression you convey to people (including prosective friends). I don't think you have social phobia or anything like that - you have just struggled to find people who want to be around you. That is not an unusual problem in the society we live in but if you persist then I am sure you will find someone who would love to be your best mate!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): Start changing the way you are thinking- instead of beating yourself up so much and worrying people won't like you, think about what you have to offer. Since you're an aunt here on the site, you enjoy listening to others. Many people don't realize that listening is a skill that most people don't have. You seem like such a caring and compassionate soul, but extra sensitive as well. When people blow you off or act rudely, try not to take it so personally- they may just be having a bad day or are just jerks in general. You seem to have a lot going for you, so continue on with your studies and try to join clubs or organizations in your school. If you don't already know Spanish, try to learn a little or take a class to interact with those around you in Spain. You say that, "I can sense that people dislike me. I feel like I have a tattoo on my forehead that says, Please blow me off." It's almost like you assume they will automatically not like you. If someone judges you so quickly, quite frankly my dear, they are not worth your time or effort. Think about how much you have to offer and how you are such an awesome person, instead of thinking they won't like you. Try working on your self-esteem and try building it up- every day think of 3 positive things in your life. (Even if they are little things, like spending time with your dog, etc.) If you're still feeling sad, try talking to your doctor about how you're feeling. It could just be homesickness, but remember that you deserve to be happy and start a more positive approach. Think of all the things you are grateful for and also just get out there- think about how much you have to offer everyone, stay positive, keep smiling and in time, you'll meet more people!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009): Oh sweetie, I can relate. But I only feel this way sometimes. It sounds like you might be depressed. It shows up in me through negative self talk.
The best advice I can give is to get over yourself! I think that your negative messages you are thinking in your head are probably visible to others through tone, facial expressions or body language.
Try to view this from someone else's shoes. Do you ever meet someone and think so negatively about the person? Probably not. I think that you might be your own worst enemy. Try to get out of your head and employ the qualities that you like in a friend - smiles, asking questions about the other person and take an interest in their answers. Also try not to personalize it if someone is mean; maybe that person is having a bad day (that doesn't mean it's ok).
Good luck! I can tell from your post that you are a kind and thoughtful person. Let that person out so others can see her!
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