A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I met a Filipino guy in the place in a bar where he works. He’s in his early twenties like me. I feel like this has been a weird journey of many misunderstandings on my part and I’ve probably said some things that must have been cultural misunderstandings...It was a long night when I first met him, but he eventually asked for my contact details and spent the next couple of weeks contacting me nearly every day. On the second day he asked me to go see him and we went with some friends to a club where I made a small blunder by getting drunk with him and we ended up kissing. To my surprise, he continued to contact me after that, wanting to know if I liked him. I wandered around the subject because I hadn’t known him for that long, but after that he said we seemed to have a “mutual understanding”. A few days after that, he asks me back to see him at work and he tells me that he’s too busy for a girlfriend. I was surprised, but I took it as him not being interested. I was prepared to respect what he was telling me and thought that was the end of a cute adventure.Yet he continued to contact me. After a few days of feeling vulnerable, I get the courage to ask him to figure out whether he wants me as a friend or something else. He never really clarified, but continued to message me after that. He invited me back to see him at work, and when customer came up to ask if I was his girlfriend, he said yes. I’ve met both of his parents and all of his siblings now. He has told me he loves me a couple of times via text and once in person… although where I’m from we’re pretty reserved about saying it so early on in a relationship, so I didn’t say it back. But I’ve made efforts to visit him at work once or twice a week.The problem is that recently he has stopped messaging me. At first I thought that perhaps I should be making more of an effort because he was always initiating before, and I tend to come across as quite distant. I tried a couple of times but I was lucky to get a reply. I left it a couple of days and I decided to drop by his workplace like I usually would, and there wasn’t anything avoidant in his behaviour. He came to greet me with a kiss like normal. I asked how he was doing, and he said he’d been so busy with work and family that he hadn’t even had any time to himself. When I left I felt more at ease, but a voice in the back of my head says that maybe I’m just being played even after everything that’s happened. Everyone is so attached to their phones nowadays, how likely is it that he can't spare a couple of seconds during the day to say something by text message?Maybe someone could provide some insight on whether they think he’s being genuine or if he’s just lost interest? At the moment it’s getting to the end of day three of no contact since I last saw him. I am careful about appearing clingy so I've not sent anything yet. I’m thinking about giving him until the 1st of January to see if he initiates again, and then after that I’m thinking about considering it a dead end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response 'no nonsense Aidan'! In the end I decided to go see him at work on New Year's Eve to gauge what's going on. He seemed a little off when I first arrived, but the place was packed and he was working pretty hard. I decided to mind my own business for a bit, but when he found a chance to come over he was a gentleman and I was sat with his family after the countdown - who now all suddenly seem know me as his girlfriend! I think overall it was me getting confused and not realising how serious he's actually taking things. He did apologise again, and after calming down a bit I've decided I'm going to give this relationship the proper chance it deserves.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (31 December 2014):
I think that your proposal is wise. The fact is that you obviously want clarity on what you are to each other, which seems to be more of a priority for you than him. You also have expectations of a level of contact on a consistent basis, that he’s not offering, and that isn’t at all unreasonable. People are very different: some need more from a partner than others. Some need to define things reasonably quickly, whilst others are happy to play it by ear and see how things go for longer. I would say that if you’re already finding his approach frustrating then it might be best for you to let it go and move on. I can see nothing in your post that implies he’s not genuine or trustworthy, but his ways and yours might just not work together.
I wish you all the very best.
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