A
male
age
30-35,
*oost
writes:Been reading through articles on here and they are very useful. However I need some advice still. My g/f has become extremely secretive with texts and calls over the past month or so. There's a guy she's been speaking to and she has become quite secretive with her phone. For instance she now grabs it and takes it when she leaves the room, if she has a text she will look at it and lock her phone straight away until I have moved. If she's sat next to me she will shield the screen away from me. Although my car windows reflect it so I can clearly see exactly who it is. I'm a fair bit taller than her and the other week we were out and she has a text. I ask in passing who it is and she gives the name of one of her female friends though the guys name is clearly visible at the top of the message. She has an iPhone so the name is pretty readable. I've never met the guy spoken to him or anything until the other day when I had a completely legitimate reason which was unrelated to this issue so he wouldn't have even known that I had an issue with it and neither does she. He asked who I was and as soon as I said who I was and asked the qn to him again he read the Facebook message and proceeded to ignore me which I thought was pretty rude. I have no intention of seeing what she's texting this guy have never intruded on her privacy and have no intention. I don't know the password to her phone, Facebook account or anything else that has a password and I have no intention of knowing it. So it seems that something is going on behind my back, I don't want the grisly details of what she's doing but I wouldn't mind knowing the basics. She knows there is something wrong with me and keeps asking what's up so its not long before I have to say something. So my question is how can I approach this without going in all guns blazing as with only this to go on any wrong doing will be denied. Thanks :)
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male
reader, Boost +, writes (2 September 2013):
Boost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for all the replies I shall speak to her at the end of this week/beginning of next week as I'm away for work for a few days. Thanks again :)
A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (30 August 2013):
Boost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you all for giving suggestions much appreciated. I wouldn't expect to see the messages and I wouldn't go snooping through her phone even if I did know the password but she certainly needs a decent explanation. I doubt I would find anything on there anyway as in sure she would have the sense to delete them. I have no issue with her having male friends and talking to them but I don't see the need for such secrecy. I have a few female friends that occasionally I speak to but it's not all the time and certainly not when my g/f is having a conversation with me purely because its rude. If she asks who I've just text ill happily say if she wants to look at the screen no problem I don't hide it from her. They're people I have known for far longer than her she's known this guy for a couple of months at the max. She is unaware of what is actually wrong but knows I shall tell her as she asked so I'm hoping she has not got round to deleting anything. Once again thank you for your replies
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I did this as well, but because I was doing a surprise to my bf. He was paranoid and stole my phone, he saw I had an email from an ex from 7 years ago asking about a mutual friend. Nothing bad. He went nuts and beat me up.
he became paranoid and would abuse me if I texted anyone. So please let her go, if you cannot trust her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Next time she asks you what is wrong tell her. You know, that guy *insert name* that you keep texting, and hiding that you are texing - it makes me feel like there is something going on that is not OK. I could be wrong but the way you have been behaving tells me my gut instinct is right.
Be honest with her and tell her you don't feel you can trust her. And if he deny it, I would explain that it's even worse that she assumes you are so dense that you can't tell if something is amiss.
I don't think she HAS to unlock and show you the messages or give you her PW - but I would ask her what you should do with those feeling, see how she reacts.
If she still deny and lie, well then it's up to you if you want to stay with her or not.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 August 2013):
I think you should, no offense, "grow a pair" and tell her that she's obviously hiding what's going on and you've caught her lying about who she's messaging. Tell her you met the guy and he was very awkward with you.
Then tell her that she needs to give you her phone unlocked or its over. Tell her that if you're wrong you're sorry but she's been acting too sneaky to ignore any longer.
If she refuses dump her unless you can tolerate cheating. Don't let her say that you're not respecting her privacy; SHE'S not respecting your relationship. Stand by your guns and dump her if you have to.
I'm totally not one to snoop, but there is no other way to know what's going on because she won't be honest.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 She is definitely cheating, maybe not physically but definitely she is emotionally cheating on you. My ex husband was acting the same way with his phone. One night I snuck into the bathroom with his phone and went through the calls and messages. They were all from one female. Our marriage ended soon after.
If you ask her directly, she's going to deny it. Find the proof. Confront her with the proof and then find the courage to leave.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (30 August 2013):
 I think you should ask her some direct questions to her face. Who is the guy? How does she know him? Why does she hide her phone from you? Why did she feel the need to lie and say it was someone other than him? It will make for an uncomfortable conversation - for her. She will probably try to lie, but this will be harder to do to your face.
I once had a friend who started sleeping with a guy I'd just started seeing. I lived with her so spent more time with her than with him. Her behaviour was similar to what you describe. He would ring her and she'd tell me it was someone else when I could see this guy's name on the screen. When I questioned her face to face she was so uncomfortable that I actually felt sorry for her.
Don't let her get away with this. It's not right.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (30 August 2013):
 I agree, this doesn't look good but snooping is never the right thing to do.
Trust has already broken down and with reasonable cause.
I think you need to talk to your g/f, tell her what is bothering you and why, explain it like you have in your letter.
It would appear that your g/f is cheating and, what makes it worse, she's using you as a back up ie if things don't work out with this guy she'll stick with you.
You deserve better than this.
If she has a good explanation for this then so be it but personally I can't think of any scenario other than the obvious one, that could explain her behaviour.
I wish you well AB x
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (30 August 2013):
Boost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. I haven't looked through her phone I for know the password, only know what I do so far from seeing over her shoulder and telling me its a female friend or the reflection in a window so I've got very little to go on but the behaviour is very strange
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I agree. Too much textbook cheating behavior to ignore. At the very least, she is keeping her contact with him inappropriately secret from you. You could keep looking for evidence or you could confront her.
Either way she is unlikely to admit what's up until you find out the hard way with clear "grisly" evidence. So prepare to start taking your own action to bring this to a head and break up with her.
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (30 August 2013):
Boost is verified as being by the original poster of the question@person12345 thanks for your answer. I haven't snoope through her phone I don't know the unlock code only what I've seen over her shoulder and reflected when she's turned the screen away from me. I have never met the guy and don't even know how she would know him. Without knowing what texts etc contain I know very little, however being so secretive and lying about who it is when I can clearly see the name suggests something is a miss. Naturally all will be denied if I go about talking to her the wrong way but with such little to go on and no way of getting any more information I'm a bit stuck on what to say to her
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 August 2013):
 I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like textbook cheating behavior. Unless the guy is your best friend and she's planning a surprise b-day party, I don't really think there's any other explanation. Snooping is normally considered bad, but I think in this case it's pretty justified for you to have a peek at her phone.
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