A
female
age
30-35,
*allen247
writes:ok so i was raped wen i was 6 and now i keep jumping from guy to guy before we do anything at all ive not even done oral now ive got together with my mate n weve been going out for about a year now and he wants to take it further but i cant seem to and ive not told anyone about what happened i get really scared of going forward and even more scared that im pushing him away what should i do?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I think before you get the nerve to tell him that you go and get some counseling. As someone said your doctor can refer you. YOU need to have an understanding of how what happened affected you before you can tell someone else about the experience and about what you want to do in your relationship. I honestly think that you are confused as to why you are hesitant to have intercourse at this time in your life and before you make that majoy IRREVERSIBLE decision, I think you need some help sorting yourself out.
OK? Take care, and I know from experience what I am talking about.
A
female
reader, fallen247 +, writes (11 June 2009):
fallen247 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanxs for all your asweres they help alot though im still un sure on how to tell him or when im going to tell him it just i really like him i want to go further but im still nervious od how hell react
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Could you bring yourself to tell him what happened to you? It would make for a better understanding between you, as being involved with someone who has been abused is not easy.
You might like to consider having some counselling. Your doctor can refer you. It could be quite painful releasing the feelings, but worth it in the long run as it might improve your relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): She is correct. You don't need to have sex with him in order to keep him. I was under the impression that you haven't really done much of anything with him however, and some sort of physical level is important in relationships. But if sex is all you're worried about, then you should feel no pressure. ~SY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): If you really like him, maybe you should tell him what happened.I've never been through anything like that so maybe it's not my place to say it but, if my girlfriend went through something like that, I'd like to know about it before we have sex. It wouldn't make me love her any less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): You do not need to have sex with your boyfriend to keep him. If you do, then he is not worth it because you should never feel pressured to have sex when you don't want too. The fact that you were raped at the age of six may have nothing to do with this, you simply are not ready to have sex and you are quite young to be thinking about having it with a boyfriend any way.
The fact that you have not told any one about what happened to you is a problem though because keeping a secret like that can perpetuate shame over something that happened to you and was not your fault. Rape is not about sex, it is about control.
The fact that you want to control when you have sex is healthy. The fact that you have some personal boundaries about your body and who you will allow intimacy with is healthy. The fact that you have shame surrounding the rape and possibly fear trusting your own judgement is not healthy for you.
I suggest that you get some counseling with a professional therapist about this to help you process your feelings about it and your fears and to help you make the best decisions regarding sex and setting boundaries. It will be the best thing you did to open up about it and talk to someone "safe" about what happened to you so long ago.
Please take heed and go see a therapist for your own good, no one else's. It is a sign of inner strength to get help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): You have an incredibly loveing and caring man by your side then, to have gone a year doing nothing with you, and not even knowing the real reason. Definitely a keeper. You love him I assume, right? You need to be able to tell him what happened so that he understands what's been going on with you. He can't possibly make you feel sexually comfortable with him if he doesn't kow why you aren't in the first place. Once you tell him, you can put yourself in the most comfortable of situations possible. You may need to make this opposite of what happened when you were younger. Take things very slowly, and have him say he loves you multiple times during. This happened to me as well, in fifth grade. After that, i was forced on a couple of men orally and for a long time, i wouldn't give my husband oral. He finally convinced me that i coulnd't move on and focus on us and out present and future, if i couldn't move on from the past. He said to forget about what happened and he would too. He told me he's the first person i've ever done anythign with and vice versa, that no one has ever done anything to hurt me or make me feel badly about myself. and told my this everyday until i could believe it too. So that i could be all i had potential to be. I could just be me and not worry about what has happened before. After that, i was able to finally give it to him. I've only done it twice, but I am getting better.Your boyfriend had nothing to do with what happened when you were 6. He obvously cared about you and has no intentions of hurting you or anything like that. Try to remember that and make progress. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."~E. Roosevelt Whoever that man was a long time ago can have no impact on who you are todya if you don't let him. It's all up to you my love,Best of luck .
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reader, always.you  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 If yall have been together that long i think you should explain to him the situatiton. He should understand im almost certian he will and if he doesnt well then he isnt worth it. but please dont have sex with him until your ready sweetheart.
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female
reader, xokrkox13 +, writes (11 June 2009):
I think you should let this guy in on what has happened. you have been going out with him for a year so you know you can trust him and if you couldn't you wouldn't be with him. I think you need to confide in yourself and tell him what has happened to you and I feel like that will bring you closer. You have to get up the courage to tell him that this is a big deal and that you're scared about moving too fast and that you will need time. I really feel like if you do this everything will work out better for you because he can understand and he can help you move on and make sure you know it's okay to trust this guy and that you can open up to him, I really feel this will make all the difference for you=]
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