A
female
age
51-59,
*hikadee
writes:Met a (never married but just got out of bad 10-12 yr relationship - not the mother and did a job on them emotionally and mentally-she cheated on him) single dad little over a year ago. He's never had a positive female connection in his life (since a child - his mother left too). We connected from the beginning and think our feelings for each other developed a lot quicker and stronger than we thought they would - decided to go slow and build on our friendship and see what can happen and even talked future. Over the past year we didn't see a lot of each other but when we did it was good and spent most of Oct-Nov together. Up to last month he still wanted to see what can happen with us, that I'm the 2nd most important person in his life after his daughter, best friend , a big part of who he is now and make him a better person, admitted he was scared of losing me if we tried and it didn't work and even started using the word love. He also trusted me enough to bring into his home, his life and his daughter's life and that he doesn't do easily. We haven't had sex (not saying pleasure in various forms has not happened) and we're both attracted to each other. It sound prudish (in 40s) to say we wanted to wait until things were right for both of us and to not ruin things. We were also both allowed to have other friends - I didn't but I'm sure he had 1 (late 40s single mom, nothing special to look at) with periodic sex (maybe once per 1-2 months). His daughter likes both of us but knows her better since he's known her longer than me. He has always been honest with me even when I didn't want to hear it.After all his comments and fears he suggested we take a break and start again later and is certain if he dates someone else it won't work. A month ago he told me he was but I had nothing to worry about because it wasn't serious and they were just friends and he just needed some time and space.I do believe he's afraid of losing everything with me if we try and it doesn't work and possibly afraid of his feelings since nobody has actually really cared for him and him back. Mutual friends also say they think he may have fallen in love with me but not ready for that step or know how to deal with it and is afraid to put himself out there for possible hurt again (he's admitted that). I've never pushed to have anything permanent right now and want us to take time. Do guys get that scared of their feelings especially when they can't control them? Scared enough not to see what is in front of him and knowing it's what he wants. Do they decide to go for the comfort thing without as deep emotions? He can be happy with her but not necessarily in love. Or have I been completely played and he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I've been giving him his space but I also think it's getting more serious with the other woman. I'm also in love with him. Am I completely crazy to want this to work and wait however I will not wait for him to make his decision but willing to take time if we're working towards something.
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a break, best friend, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 May 2012):
I think the relationship between the two of you is actually too gentle and almost care free. When you give guys so much luxury they tend to take advantage, but the same can be said for both men and women. It was a relationship with no boundaries after all. I think after being single for so long, it can be addicting and the only thing that fuels oneself is the feeling of connecting with a person.
I think you have quite the amount of patience. And that is something which is usually needed with such complex characters. If you want to be patient and wait for him, there's a certain level of contact that you need to keep with him---the less the better. I don't think his past is a big deal because many people have had rough childhoods and it honestly seems over exaggerated.
Well I hope he comes around, all you can really do is wait and be patient. Wait for him to contact you and see what he says from there.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 No I think guys go for what they want, he just hasn't deicided if he wants you and only you. You have been somewhat of a security blanket to fall onto should the other more sexual relationships don't work out. I suspect he is not sexually attracted to you or feels like you are not his type. Trust me if he was into you, all his fears would disapppear and the two of you would be a solid couple. His fickle-fancy is just that. He's still shopping for "the one" not the "you'll do because you're here". If you want to dangle on a string feel free, but I think you are rather wasting your time. He has shown he's perfectly capable of being with other women, having sex but not with you. I think you are fooling yourself to keep waiting.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 May 2012):
 I didnt quite know how to approach this one, so gave it a little thought before I tackled it.
A)Ok so we know when two people fall for eachother they 'engage' in a foward thinking and positive way. They see eachother often, allow feelings to grow and dont become involved with other people because that could screw their chances up couldn't it?
B)When people like eachother and would like to see if a relationship is possible, they tend to see eachother as friends maybe once a week and then, depending on how well things are going, they see more of eachother and then they revert to A) above.
C) When two people have been involved for over a year, have had intimate contact (Not intercourse) and have decided to take things slow...but one of them goes off and has relations with another female 'friend' and possibly someone else as well, one would think here is a guy who is hedging his bets!!
What I cannot work out here is why this guy needs to be involved with other women (be they new or old) whilst he is making his mind up about you??
Dosn't that make you feel a bit out on a limb...doesn't that make you question whether he has your best interest at heart? Doesn't that make you wonder 'Why isn't he being exclusive with me if I mean so much to him and he loves me'?
I think the answer lies in your statement:
'He's never had a positive female connection in his life'
Ok so he has used the love word...but how do you know he isn't using that to other women?...simple answer is...you don't.
You are not present when he is with these other women and the only word you have is his...and he can tell you exactly whatever he wishes, toss in the love word and that keeps you firmly on the hook.
Why do men keep women on the hook, even when they have no intention of being with them?...because firstly women allow them to, and secondly because it's a massive ego boost to have a few women hanging on (especially to a guy with a questionable view on women and little idea or care how this sort of behaviour might hurt those women).
Suggesting you take a break and start again later?...then he starts dating someone else??? how convienient!! and then to tell you 'hey don't worry it's not going to work out'... well how disrespectful to you and the other woman.
This guy does not know or understand how a proper relationship works. He doesn't have any respect for women (apart from what he tells you to your face to keep you under the illusion he cares) and he doesn't seem to be concerned much about people's feelings either.
The reason he isn't seeing whats in front of him, ie. you, is because he doesn't want you at this moment in time and may never want you, but he wants you to give him ego boosts along the way and fill gaps when he isn't playing other women.
It looks like you are in a game, you just don't realise it.
Unless he is doing what I pointed out in A)...then he ain't worth wasting another moment over.
Don't waste your time on men who give you confusing signals and ambiguous statements...it's a smoke screen.
If a man wants a woman he makes sure she totally understands the signals and he absolutely doesn't leave any room for another guy to come in.
Think this over and if I am totally wrong...what other explaination could there be?
If something doesn't sound right, it's usually because it isn't right.
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 I'm sorry to say that I think he's not totally honest with you. If you love a woman, you stay with her. I think he's playing with you. Check that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): Sadly I think you have been played by this man. He has another woman whom he has sex with. You and he did/do not even have full sex. He was with a woman in a 10-12 year relationship, she may have cheated because he wouldn't put a ring on her finger.
His daughter has met both you and the other woman he is seeing now. So he isn't too bothered about confusing her or introoducing her to his lady friends.You only have his word that nobody has cared about him before until you, his partner of 10+ years MUST have cared,his daughter cares.You dont stick around a decade if you dont like somebody do you?
There seems to be more a friendship between you than a big love job. From his side he has you waiting in the wings indefinately while he sees other women. If it doesn't work out he has you as reserve.Lucky man.
Run a mile soon as possible.
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