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anonymous
writes: I feel like I am going mad. I am no saint, but deeply unhappy. I need help and advice badly.A couple of years ago I moved with my boyfriend to Wales. I took a job there and was bullied by the other staff members so badly that I ended up being on long term sick leave with stress. My boyfriend stuck by me and helped me get better. I decided that I would move away from Wales and get a different job. He followed me.I stopped taking my tablets and thought that I was feeling better. In my new job I met another man who I liked and who didn't know about what had happened. We had a brief affair, that I ended. I didn't tell my boyfriend about it. But I know that I shouldn't have done it. This affair made me feel as though I had tarnished my relationship with my boyfriend. I couldn't sleep with him without feeling guilt and as a result sex was non existant or very disappointing. I would find it easier to have meaningless sex with a stranger who I didn't find attractive, than I would to have sex with my boyfriend. At least then I wouldn't have to lie about emotions. My boyfriend is a lovely man, who is kind caring and wonderful in a lot of ways, but I can't bring myself to kiss him, hold him or sleep with him.We then bought a house together and for a while it seemed that things could be ok. I didn't want to buy the house, but it didn't seem as though I had another viable financial solution.Last summer I started an affair with a separated man, around the time that I had to leave a job that I loved as the company was closing. The physical relationship was wonderful and the emotional side even more intense. I felt free as though I was falling in love for the first time and that all my other previous feelings had just been a waste of time. We met as often as we could, spoke all the time and smiled, lots. My boyfriend found out and I promised to stop seeing the other man (OM) , but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend, but I couldn't cope without the feelings that I had with OM in my life.OM asked me to move to Australia with him and I planned to tell my boyfriend and go about sorting out the house, I thought that I really wanted the OM, but it became more about wanting to live overseas.One day (two months ago) the OM said that his ex-wife had found out about him wanting to move abroad and wanted to speak to him about how this would affect his children, he said that he needed time and space to talk to her but would call. He never called back. He sent a few texts, but basically he went back to his wife (if he ever left her) and told me that we would not be moving anywhere together.I fell apart, I had lost my Australian dream, I don't know what I was looking forward to the most, a new start abroad and a new life with him. To be honest from the start I knew that there were things that were not right with him and that we would not last, but I liked the attention from him.So I didn't ever tell my boyfriend that I was planning to leave. I am still living with him. I am still thinking about OM and Australia. I love my boyfriend as a friend, but if I am honest I know that in my head, I stopped the relationship over two years ago.n I don't deserve him, I have been horrible, selfish and evil.I am depressed, and in a job I hate. I want to leave so that my boyfriend could have a nice life. But I can't afford to. Neither of us could afford a house on our own and all the equity in our house would be taken up by paying back debts.I love my boyfriend but I don't fancy him, there isn't a spark. I threw it away. I don't know how to make things any good.I know that I have been possibly the most awful person that I could be, but I don't know where to start to make myself or the situation better.I feel as though I will never get over OM, but not actually him, but the idea of him.I think that I can't make it up to my boyfriend and that I should set him free.I think that I am cracking up and can't cope with all the tablets and the pain that I went through in Wales.I am scared and sorry and don't know where to turn.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 January 2005):
 Hi dear,That's a very long story of sadness and confusion. I wish I had a quick answer for you or the ability to make it all clear in a few quick sentences, but I can't. In fact, I don't think anyone could instantly make it better for you. You've just gone through so much. However, I have a couple of observations.First - and I wish you could take an eyebrow pencil and write this on your forehead, so you could see it often - you're not a "horrible, selfish and evil" person. What you sound is clinically depressed, and, as a result, you're confused, vulnerable and easily manipulated. The things that you've listed in your letter have mostly been driven by wanting to 'do the right thing' and not rock the boat. You've made some poor choices, but the worst thing that I can see that you've done is to distance yourself from your boyfriend, the one person who has stood by you in all of this.That, coupled with giving up your medication, has led you into trying to find love through sex with virtual strangers. Big mistake. You've also moved out of emotional reach with the man who actually wants you for the long-term. These are self-destructive impulses and (I'm just guessing) may be the result of not taking your prescription medications. One thing I'm more sure of, is that you have terribly low self-esteem and you don't understand why everyone doesn't hate you as much as you hate yourself.That's the place you need to start, dearie. Why do you think you're so awful? And what actions can you take to make yourself realise that you're no more flawed than any of the rest of us? That's where the professionals come in.It's an old saw of mine, but bears repeating: Every first-world nation has a network of mental-health workers who work either for free or on a sliding scale, to help you solve these problems. So looking after your own mental health needn't be an expensive exercise. What you need to do is find those people and simply make ONE appointment. You're not committing yourself to any method of treatment or any particular carer, but you need to talk to someone who wants to help and who has helped people with problems similar to yours in the past. When you do, they'll be able to help you stop hating yourself, so you can make solid decisions for your future.What's to stop you? You're unhappy, right? You want to stop being unhappy? Of course. What if they fail? Then you're no worse off than you are today, but maybe you get a better insight into why you act in this self-destructive way. Please do this and talk to someone. Tell him or her what you've written here, that you're scared and not coping. They'll have some ideas.My other observations have to do with your boyfriend and with Australia. First, the boyfriend. He's been your rock, even through all this sleeping around with others. Through your actions, you've repaid his loyalty with secrecy. You need to stop doing that. Finding yet another relationship with another "OT" is harming the good relationship that you already have. Besides, your low self-esteem isn't allowing you to love the boyfriend you already have; thinking that a new love interest will change your opinion of yourself is nonsense. It hasn't so far, and it won't, until you learn to love who you are. (See "mental health care", above!)Go back to your boyfriend. Don't "set him free" just yet. He may still love you (See? You might just be loveable!) and you may just need his strength of character. Apologise for past wrongs - he'll know what they are - and resolve that you won't try to drown your feelings of self-loathing in new romances. Last observation: Australia. At the end of the day, going to live overseas is a convenient fantasy that might have allowed you to "run away" from your problems... but they'd eventually catch up with you. That's because you're carrying the problems in your head. You could travel to Mars, but until you deal with what makes you behave this way, no place is ever going to be far enough away.There's nothing magical about living in Australia (I'm writing to you from my home here); but it probably seems distant enough from where you live that you think you can get to somewhere where nobody knows "what you've done". Since you've "done" nothing, you don't have to run away. Stay put and get some help to overcome what makes you feel so scared.I know there are a lot of assumptions in my reply, and I apologise if I'm way off the mark. However, I've been depressed and I've experienced self-loathing. These are things that jump out at me from your letter. I hope you'll be brave enough to get some help and to take that first step toward being happy again.Good luck,BJC
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