A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been married for 21 years and my husband is the love of my life. lately though he has been working (from home for ever) and won't do anything at night, besides watch TV. I suggest things to do even free events and he is never up for it. sometimes he just sits at his computer, working all night too. When we go on holidays it's invariably with my in-laws, that I love, don't get me wrong and he will plan his early morning long walks on his own. by the time he gets back there is time for lunch and then socialising with others. never with me. I must be the guilty one. i don't know how to go about this. he gets angry and says i exaggerate, but i feel hurt and don't know what to do. my desire for him is waning fast, but i really love him. it's been like this for a year and he is gentle but nothing seems to motivate him to live a life outside of this house, except for walks outside with the dog. I sort of feel dead inside.... like he doesn't really care one way or another.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): He's unhappy for some reason and that unhappiness is almost certain to involve you in some way. But in the absence of communication, you have no hope of learning why and then being able to do anything about it. He needs to understand how deeply this is affecting you and that without any change the relationship is doomed.
You need professional help and it will have to involve him as well.
You need to do whatever it takes to get him there. If he simply won't go with you, then sadly, the relationship is over and in a very selfish way (by him).
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 Hi,In my opinion, I think something is making your husband unhappy and not letting him live life the fullest. Issues about him? Confidence? Depression? Mid-life crisis? I am sure has nothing to do with you or what you are doing. To me, its about him...I see you are trying to help your husband, trying to be a positive, good wife, after all you've been married 21 years and you still do love your husband. I agree with you and you have the right to feel this way. People need balance in life. You need to have couples date, spend time together, talk to each other, share a life together. Must be difficult for you to go about life everyday, without having a partner to share. People need support, feel love, be touched, etc... Just sharing a meal is nice. As I understand, things were good up until 1 year ago? Well, look back the past year, try to see what can be the cause that made your husband change? Change his behavior? Your husband mood? What happened that changed him so much? He probably has lost confidence, so therefore lost interest in everything. Its not fair for you to live this way, but I think that your husband need your help? This is complicated and serious, because whatever issues your husband is having, him as a man, its difficult for him to open up to you, man take pride very seriously, and the last thing he would want to do is show you he's weak...Be patience, have compassion, be supportive. I know you are hurting, but think of your husbands feeling too. I would seek professional help, someone you can talk about your feelings and get help for yourself, so you can help your husband. If you cannot, do some research in the websites for better understanding, how to deal, how to approach your husband, etc...Good luck to you, your husband, your marriage and hope after this little set back, both of you can come up stronger!!! Live a happier, long life together!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): sounds like your husband either has depression and is therefore self absorbed in his own world, or he's got big problems with you that he's not saying anything about.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 Print off your letter and put it somewhere he can read it, scribble a note across the top, "This sounds just like me!"And then start building your own life, if he wont go out, go without him. See if any of your friends will go with you. Start saving for a holiday away from the family, and then tell him if he wont go with you, you will go on your own. Bus tours etc are safe and suitable for unacompanied women. You are so lucky to be living in the UK, you are much closer to everything, and I think there are group tours and holidays specifically for women in our age group. Your starting to make plans, and actually do things without waiting for him to get motivated, might give him the jolt he needs, otherwise you will need to decide to continue to live our your life to his dictates or forge your own path through retirement years. Good luck, I wish you well!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2011): Get professional help with this, a counselor can help you sort it out.Go first yourself if you must, but tell him you want him to go, and realize that what is going on may be more convoluted that you realize, internally yourself, as well as internally for himself.
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