A
female
age
,
*elsidog
writes:I have this very best friend. She use to live 1300 miles away and now we live in the same city. She and her husband work together and are together 24/7, they also live on site where they work and I work there too. Now that she lives in the same city as I do we planned on spending time together without the company of her husband. However what has been discovered is that he is very controlling, he checks on her multiple times a day to see where she is and what she is doing, when their shift is over and she is talking to me he stands there and waits for her before he will go back to their apartment. When we say we are going to run out and do shopping for the community he says "your going to leave me here by myself"? When she and I are talking about something and he interjects, she will occasionally snap at him and he latterly walks away and stands there with his head down sulking. She has told me that he is totally controlling and in the past he has managed to ruin all of her friendships. I have invested a lot in this friendship but now I am wondering if I should continue or just let the husband have his way. I don't want to push her to do things if she is uncomfortable. Is this friendship worth trying to save or is it time to move on because of the control her husband has?
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female
reader, kelsidog +, writes (17 January 2014):
kelsidog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I had a conversation with my friend last week. I told her that I didn't want to be put in the middle of her and her husband. I said he is very controlling and that is why you have lost friends in the past. She said "you are my very best friend ever"! I said well with your husband being as controlling as he is and the fact that he pouts like a child when we are together it will be almost impossible to change that behavior. She said "I will work on that"! So yesterday she and I got into a rater large tiff. I actually believed our friendship was over. She wouldn't talk to me at all. She is very stubborn by the way. I finally said you know what, I'm not going to put up with the cold shoulder behavior, I'm the type of person that lays my cards on the table and deals with the situation. So I get an email from her and NOW she say's we are going to go out next weekend and spend time together. Wow what a rollercoaster
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 I had something similar like this happen with me and a girlfriend who married a Mr. Control guy…
I continued to be her friend; as I valued the friendship we/she had built, we were each others support valve, but I learnt to distance myself from their marital dynamics and woes. I just listened, visited on occasion, enjoyed our time together, observed and tried not to get too involved lest I started counselling her to leave him.
Here I’m sure your friendship is valued and gives her great social relief, comfort and support under the circumstances that you speak of. Don’t go abandoning her now just because of him, as that would be a shame? Your friendship is with her not so much him!? (Yet unfortunately he is part of the equation.)
Perhaps ask how she’s coping and ask how you could help or better understand her predicament? It should also not be a matter of her choosing him over your friendship, that’s irrelevant, as marriage is marriage and Friends are God sent :)
CAA
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 I would step back and let her deal with him. It's her choice to be controlled by her husband. She has to learn that when she caters to him all the time then no friend is going to tolerate it. I won't enjoy the friendship very much if I know that I would indirectly be the cause of the tension of their marriage. Because I am a friend I would care. You all live close to each other now and you see the full extent of her husband's control. There is no need to cut off the friendship but maybe you could only see her once in a while, like before when it was long distance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): She really needs to decide of the f/ship is worth pursueing. If many of her f/ships have been affected due to her controlling & insecure husband, then no amount of persistence from you will help. He will always be there, making comments and saying "but Im all alone" or whatever manipulative comments he may make.
If SHE wants you as a friend, then she needs too try, SHE calmly talk to her husband & let him know that you're a friend, not a threat and that she just wants to spend time with you, alone her friend.
Personally I would leave it, you have tried, and now its up to her, her husband has issues, controlling, jealous, manipulative and maybe dangerous, he may make trouble for you if he feels threatened,.. Sorry but he is acting like a sulky teen, why cant he makes his own friends too? shes not going to leave him for you.. or forget him.. jealously can be dangerous..
Friends apart from partners are very important, but if she cant see this and sides with her husband, or gives into his moods and smart ass remarks & wont defend you.. then there is nothing you can do. Stop trying, it wont help her.
I'd keep being polite, make small talk, and work with her & him, (if you work with them) and.. let her contact you, in terms of f/ship, let her make the effort, if she doesn't then sadly that's the way it is, he has a hold on her..
She wont change things.
This guy is potentially dangerous & very manipulative.., I'd be careful, he can easily turn her against you and make trouble for you at work, be polite, keep yr distance a little.
Look after you, don't let yreslf get caught in the middle of their r/ship..
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