A
male
age
51-59,
*oris Grushenko
writes:Well, the subject says it all ... that's basically the question I have. But I'll briefly give you some background. I'm willing to answer any questions and hoping for some dialogue, I don't expect any answers based on the short summary I give here.It all started when I was 17: my parents had decided - probably years before - that I should become an engineer. I wanted to study physics. They went out of their wits trying to 'guide' me into the 'right' direction. I was in a depression when I graduated at 23. The hopelessness I experienced at graduation has been a constant in my emotional life ever since. So has therapy; that is to say, it feels as if therapists at some point tend to give up. Most are trying to, well let's call it 'guide me in the right direction' and back off when things start going the wrong way.A second depression came when I was 28: a nasty breakup was the immediate cause but there was an underlying problem: I had started to work as a software developer but still had problems accepting myself as - at least partly - an engineer.My third major depressive episode started at 37 almost ten years ago. I had just met somebody. I was struggling (again) with my work situation and the engineering issue. I was trying to deal with a verbally agressive mother (a situation that started when I started going to college) whith whom I had a poisonous relationship. And my new GF had a history of many one night stands and felt an urge to relate all the details to me because she could not give it a place now that she had a relationship with somebody she cared for so deeply. My agony has been extensively documented here ...Ten years onwards, a lot has happened: my third depression made me lose my job. My GF gave me the opportunity to start studying again. I got to pick what interested me most (which was not physics anymore but Asian studies). She supported me. We have been very happy, despite the depression. I broke with my family, we stood up for each other, we developed a common passion for vegetable gardening and many aspects of Indian culture. And then I neede some paperwork done. Administrative service made me clear that there would be no place on the job market for me. Unless I would return to ICT. And even then, my chances would be small. I had been dreaming about a phD but I started agonizing about my return to a job that made me so sick before. I was blocked: it took three years to complete my master thesis. My wife wanted me to just hand in anything and get it over with. I was struggling to produce something that would justify my aspirations. In the end I didn't . I graduated cum laude (which is not good enough to get me started in academics). All the stress I had, combined with my poor results tipped the scales and pushed me into a fourth depression. In July, she decided she wanted a divorce.What - I think - happened is that my depression and passiveness made her act out - quite agressively at times - which in turn made me more depressed and more passive. In the end the situation was poisonous for both of us: she terrified me and given all the reproach that was my part, I must have irritated her tremendously too.So here I am now: jobless, single - or should I say desparate and lonely? - and facing a re-orientation towards another ICT job. I have a therapist that I am supposed to see every week. She still sees 'a lot of potential in [my] life'. Sadly, due to a mixup in her agenda, I won't see her this month. It seems feasable to skip one week. Two weeks without threatment is problematic. I am now in my third week and having the darkest thoughts I ever had.Given my background, I am starting to doubt whether I am still entitled to have a relationship. My psychological record suggests I will always be a burden on any partner. But then, with a job that gives me no satisfaction, no children and no relationship, how can I make life meaningful?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, switlov  +, writes (11 January 2020):
Wiseowl, You are not what you think you are. you are not helpless and not useless to yourself. Wake up one day and stop having everyone to blame. Get out of it. Forget your old self, recreate your present self into what you want to be now not what you should have been. Don't wish to be a teenager again. what is lost is lost but the present YOU is there. You have a life and happiness to live. Believe you can and you will. I want hear you celebrating the birth of your first son or daughter if you wish.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2019): I never speak of religion. I said GOD. Religion is the organized structure and doctrine as advocated by a group of people who practice "religion." I am not proselytizing; but doing my part to spread the good Word. I know from my own experience and relationship with the Lord; and I am well-educated. I will never deny Him or be ashamed to acknowledge my belief. I offered you another option; but someday you may change your mind. I will plant the seed, and the rest is up to God Himself. He chooses us, we do not choose Him.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (23 November 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question @WiseOwl,
I am well aware of the positive effects of religion. I know of the strong bonds and helpfulness that exists within religious communities. Sadly, my scientific mind opposes against believing. More so does the European mindset generally look unfavourable upon religion. At best, the large majority will adhere to a kind of 'something-ism' but condemn the traditional religious systems (although we do go to church when a child is born, when we get married, when somebody dies). I am not quite sure memebership of any religious community would bring me closer to many people.
Saying that, I must say that reflection on the nature of religion has brought me closer to something I would call spritualism: the acceptance that we can not understand certain things and that even science will only be bridging half the gap at any time.
If I blame anyone, it is my parents since they have nested themselves so comfortably in my mind from where they seem to direct me in such manner that all I try to escape the destiny they had in mind becomes all but impossible.. Sometimes I think the engineer I never wnated to be meant more to them than my happiness or the possibility to relate to others and find a partner. "I should have been somebody else," seems to be their main message and at times I believe everything I consider to be my real self is wrong and should be kept at a distance from all people surrounding me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): Hopelessness comes from an empty and starved spirit. Maybe it is time to turn to some form of worship and spiritual-refreshment. I have found reaching out to God and establishing a relationship with Him, gives me so much hope and strength. Something human beings cannot instill in me. Yes, it even helps with relationships to others. I feel a love, joy, and peace that surpasses all belief!
Please don't bother offering rude rebuttal against God, or some story blaming God...I stand by my belief. If it hasn't worked for you, okay. I still wouldn't dismiss the option.
It's up to you to consider this, nobody is forcing it on you. A relationship with God isn't something to be forced anyway! Either you want it, or you don't! It's a wise suggestion to be considered; because we live in a world full of hard-hearted people. We are seriously divided by politics; and Jesus said "a house divided against itself cannot stand." Whether you believe in Him or His Word, or not, that stands true. It seems you're running-out of options! Say a prayer and see what happens!
You're not incurable. You've had a hard life. I pray for many of the people who post to DC; because words or human advice isn't always enough. I still offer you compassion and hope just giving of my time to comfort you in some way is at least some small amount of help.
God bless and comfort you!
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (21 November 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwl, thank you for your long answer.
I am very well aware of the need to be in contact with others: I experience it every day, everything I read about depression suggests isolation is a major problem in western society. Sadly, I can't manage to bond with people.
About my family: I have a sister. She chose my mother's side. Breaking with my family started with the suggestion of a time-out. My mother blamed my GF, things got out of hand and eventually, I believe it became impossible to turn back to them. My mother and sister were not invited at our wedding. I don't even want to try to imagine what will happen when they find out I'm divorcing at the moment. I could visit my uncle (my father's brother), but they live quite far away and I'm ashamed about the divorce and my current situation ...
As for friends: I've been bullied from the age of 10 until I was 12. I've always thought it had little influence in my life, but it probably laid a basis for a certain distrust. Later on, my mother would always say that with the way I would be nagging to people (I've always tried - but not always managed - to discuss my problems with a therapist and keep things to myself), I would lose all my friends. What happened is that, when I felt down, I started to shy away from people: it made sure I could not be the bore my mother told me I was. And then, sometimes years onwards, you find out people are just no longer interested in restoring contact with you ... I can't blame them, but it all left me quite isolated.
I have started painting classes, I am working part-time (until the end of the year, no idea what will happen after that) and must say that being among people does me good. But I'm not sure I will ever be able to go beyond the chit-chat of everyday life.
And then there are relationships: I know my situation was a burden on my marriage. That's why I feel as if I can only be a recluse. I don't know how she has felt, but the last months things must have been terrible for her too. It does not fee lright to be that burden.
Therapists have often focussed on the fact I was still working or studying. As I seemed to function more or less, what I related about how I experienced life, the loneliness, the agony, ... was always threated as less relevant. I now have a behavioural therapist. It's new to me and I feel as if 'being activated' is wearing me out. The whole educatin/job thing gives my problems an existential aspect which is not being covered. But as always, I am cooperating. This is the first time I am thinking of myself as incurable. I've always had a reason to do the effort to get better. But now, with the divorce and the realization I will never have kids, that's gone. For now, the therapist seems quite confident things will work out.
But still, you gave me something to think about, a new perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): Maybe I will be the first to reach-out and encourage you by saying yes, most adamantly yes! You are entitled to hope and love. Everyone needs hope, love, and affection in order to survive. It is essential to us as human beings to have some link and connection that is fulfilled by the interaction with others, in order to feel human. Thus, isolation is used as a form of punishment.
You also have to take into account that you decided to totally cut-off and eliminate any connection with your own family. Should we assume that every single individual sharing your DNA was somehow a threat and detrimental to your mental-health and wellbeing? There is no-one in your immediate-family,or extended-family, worthy or eligible of creating kinship and maintaining family-relations? All because your parents have no forgivable or redeeming qualities; after choosing to suggest you pursue being an engineer. Rather than what you wanted, which was to pursue studies in physics. Your mother is described to be completely toxic, so I guess that includes everybody else? To include any siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, your father, grandparents, and anybody else sharing your DNA??? That would leave you quite alone.
Seems cutting-off your entire family left you desperately searching for a whole new family to belong to. You've isolated yourself. The problem with that is, any attempt to find a committed-relationship will place the responsibility of being your "everything" on your romantic-partner. You mention nothing about friends. Happiness only depends on having a romantic-partner. Correct?
That's a great responsibility and very heavy burden to place on anyone. Would you agree? To make matters worse, no therapist that you've ever met has been capable of helping you. According to your post, not one therapist has been able to help; and they all just give-up. In the end, you didn't want to go into physics, and your subsequent educational pursuits didn't lead to gainful-employment. Your relationships all ended badly; but you don't mention trying to make friends, or any further communication with your family.
I think you really should focus on your mental-health as your top and utmost priority. Make some friends, and join a therapy-group to share your feelings and form connections with people who understand what you're going through. It is essential that you commit yourself to a focused and serious pursuit of mental-healthcare. Do everything you can to work with your chosen therapist; and be willing to experiment with recommended drug-treatments and therapy. Let finding and maintaining a healthy relationship and making friends be your motivation.
Work with those mental-health professionals who want to help you to heal; so when you do seek someone to commit yourself to, that you will be healthy enough to maintain a durable and loving-relationship. If you've rejected your entire family; you will find yourself alone, detached, and desperately at the mercy of strangers. People who don't know or understand you.
If you have a salvageable connect to a family-member left, reconnect and try to re-establish friendly-relations. Even if it isn't like what you see on TV. The world can be a cruel and lonely place, and you can't build hope when you make no effort to restore estranged family-relationships. When you try to live your entire life without support from people other than romantic-partners; you'll find yourself exactly where you are. No one person can be all you need. In your fragile state of mental-health, that's just too much to expect from anyone.
People will be wary to hear you're a self-made orphan, and will wonder about your family-origins. Often people lie, or tell a one-sided horror-story. Characterizing their entire family as villains. They're always victims. Making it even harder to find partners and friends. How can you trust someone with nothing but a scary or nonexistent background?
Life will always be a challenge due to your disability; but love is still possible, and it depends on how hard you work to help yourself to stay functional. You can obviously function; but illness occurs, and it takes time for recovery. That's understood!
I hope things workout with the job, and I hope you won't be resistant to your therapist. If you've decided you're incurable, you will frustrate everyone who wants to help you.
You should do your research on your therapist; to determine how effective and successful they've been with past patients. Not all are equal, and some are more knowledgeable of the latest in new therapies and treatment-programs; as well as the latest research in antidepressants, or combinations of drug-therapies.
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