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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and this guy have been friends for five years and for the bulk of that time he has told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, etc. Before I left for college he came over my house and told me that he was in love with me. I didn't feel the same way at the same way at the time so I didn't really say anything. We left for college and he was always short with me, and was irritated with me everytime we talked, except for when he came to visit once and he was happy as a clam, but after he left it was back to the same old, same old. That summer when we finished our freshman year we started talking and hanging out more but we frequently got into arguments, because of his attitude, i'm very easygoing and make jokes a lot, and his so serious and sensitive, he is the typical cancer. Anyway, we stopped speaking and until winter semester of my sophmore year, he had dropped out of college because he said it was too hard and was now living at home with his mother. I forget how we started talking but he started coming up there more and more but his attitude hadn't changed much it was even one time my roommate got in his face for how short he was with me. I always had sympathized with him because he didn't have any friends besides me really, and he was kind of loner and had low self-esteem, but his attitude was really starting to bother me, so finally we stopped talking for awhile and he would call me and leave me messages saying "i deserve to know why you aren't talking to me anymore". Anyway after sophmore winter semester was over I called him after two months against my better judgement and we started talking again. Well from May to June we spent everyday together, his attitude had calmed down a little but he still had his instances, like one time he went to the video store which was fifteen minutes away and it took him two hours to get back. When I asked him what took him so long he started yelling and screaming, and went downstairs to his room and punched a hole in the wall. Shortly after that we stopped speaking again, and this time for almost eight months and one day out of the blue he called me. I was going to curse him out and tell him to never call me again, but he called me at a time where that display of emotions would not have been proper. When I got home I called him back and though still angry, I wanted to know what possessed him to call me after all this time. We talked and caught up, and he said that he missed me and he loved me and wanted to be friends again. So we ended up seeing eachother one weekend and talked about all the different issues that we had, and decided to start dating. I think it was at a time where I really wanted a boyfriend and everything he was saying sounded so good. Needless to say it didn't work out long. Although he did everything I asked him to do, and bought flowers and presents. The flowers and present were usually my idea, he never got them just because he wanted to. Him coming to see me would stem from us being on the phone and saying when am I going to see you again and then he would make plans, but he never made plans on his own to come and see me. He also never called me, ever!! I always had to call him, and when I would ask him about it he would say i'm busy, when I knew he wasn't doing anything but watching television. I decided to stop calling him to see if he would pick up the slack but we went two weeks without talking until I finally broke down and called. Also, his friends came before me, if one of his friends called we could be cuddling and he would rush to the phone to go and talk to them, and just sit there and say uh huh, yeah, and then would get off the phone after fifteen minutes, and say he couldn't stand talking to them. We ended up breaking up again because I wasn't happy, he didn't want to but I could not think of a reason to stay in that relationship, so we broke up but decided to remain friends, this ended shortly, because he went back to being short with me etc. So we stopped speaking then a month ago he shows up at my suprise birthday party my family threw for me. We hung out and started talking again, and everything was good for a minute and I believe in one month we have fallen out two times. But recently, we had a very nice weekend, and talked about being together, and he would tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me and wanted to marry me, we ended up having sex, he was my first and I was his. Then he went home, and I called him and he was being short with me again. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he loved me but he wasn't happy. I couldn't understand why, he said I made him feel like a jerk, and he does all these things for me and I don't appreciate him, and I only point out the negative. I was confused because a couple of days ago he was willign to make all the changes I requested like calling me more, and making dates for us without me asking, and being more open, and calming down his anger. He said I was trying to change him, and I don't think any of those things are positive traits so why was he trying to hold on to them. I also believed that the only reason he says he loves me is because I ask him do you love me and I guess he doesn't want to say no. He even told me at one point that if we stopped speaking tomorrow that he would get over it, which really hurt my feelings because I don't believe you can just get over someone you love, if you truly love them. Anyway now he saying he is only happy when we are together but when we are apart he starts thinking about things and becomes discontent with how he believe he is being treated. It is like a rollercoaster with him. Now he is saying he doesn't know if he is unhappy with me or with hisself, and that he needs to work out some issues with hisself before he can be with anyone else. I don't want to date him anymore because I need someone who will treat me like a queen and really truly cares for me and shows it. However, I want to remain in the friendship because for the most part we get along, and everytime we stop being friend it as a result of an argument and we always come back together, so I guess we will still be friendly and let it work itself out. But now I am completely confused, I don't know if he has been lying all this time, or how he feels about me at all. I don't know if he truly loves me or is he just saying it. I'm really doubting that we should have any contact at all but it is hard to let go for some reason, neither one of us are happy, but neither one want to leave. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (22 November 2005):
 I think this guy does need help. He is so very inconsistent and doesn't seem capable of making up his mind as to what he really wants.
I think it would be best if you just told him that you only wish to be friends with him now and stick to this. Don't allow anything that he says (like when you are apart and he is thinking...) to sway you.
Get on with your life and suggest that he does the same. Try to have minimal contact with him. Just allow him to be aware that you offer the hand of friendship but nothing more. Otherwise, you are continually going to be sucked into this emotional game that he is playing and suffer the consequences.
I hope this helps.
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