A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a degreed musician - we live together - which was not originally my idea. To keep it short, I am a lawyer (law professor) that does pay all the bills - in the past five years - he's probably contributed to a full 12 months of half rent - most the time he does not. He had declared bankruptcy when I met him and was recovering. He's seems to be always paying back taxes. He's a wonderful sensitive person, but I feel like I have to do everything to keep the house running - he even teaches piano out of our house in the evening to his clients - which I'm against. But, he's always on my side and very loving. He has little sex drive however, so I'm not at all satisfied in that area. He also has an occasion alcohol problems - so keeping alcohol in the house is out - but mainly he has it under control now. We wanted to have kids and he cannot physically, it turns out. I do. The bottom line is he wants to get married soonest. I want a ring not huge - an annivesary type 3.5 - 5K - he has polled his friends and family and they think I'm crazy. He says I'm just a materialist (I live way below my means) and I'm doing it for the money. If I really loved him, I would marry him. True enough, but I am waiting for a gesture that requires some sacrifice on his part. He has moved to follow me in two jobs over the five years. So, that is his sacrifice. I know it's crazy - I don't even wear jewelry but that ring means something in terms of him trying hard. I'm not in a hurry to get married - I do feel he needs to do something for me. My idea is that I'm a great deal for him, and I normally don't have problems (in the past dating and hitting it off with others). I'm 42 and he's 36 and not financially independent by any means. I am wrong in wanting the ring? I could afford my own ring - and do buy him things that are not important to me. I feel this marriage question has brought the whole relationship under fire? I love him, but we're more like best friends than passionate lovers - and it's always been like that. In the back of my mind, I think I want to marry a man I'm passionate about and has more of a financial equality than my relationship right now. So, is the ring request crazy?
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bankrupt, best friend, money, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Yep it can't work cos the gender roles are reversed. One if not both will be unfulfilled.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): You are obviously a very sensitive, intelligent lady...and I don't think you are wrong for wanting a ring, but I think your heart and mind are clashing...and you raise several issues that your brain wants you to face, and your heart wants you to push aside. Bottom line..will you really be happy with this man if you should marry? It sounds like he will always be struggling, and can you deal with that? And don't let anyone kid you, incompatability in sexual desire, is a BIG deal (been there, done that). I think you know the answer already, but you don't like them. I'm sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies. To Female Reader, of the first reply, of course you are right - I think I am hesitant to make a commitment for the reasons you state - we do have serious incompatibilities. He is a kind sensitive man who is my best friend - but does have dependency issues -and I obviously have guilt issues. I appreciate your candidness - it's certainly given me something to think about. I feel guilty even that I've been with him this long in certain respects.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Well, I don't know about whether the real question here is "if" and "should" you want a ring, but rather "is" this is sort of relationship you want? And "should" you proceed further with a greater sort of commitment.
Okay, so let's evaluate your list of complaints:
- He is financially dependent on you and thinks your are "materialistic".
-There is little sexual chemistry and you are unsatisfied.
-He is a recovering alcoholic (but this fact is manageable)
To answer your question I think you are wrong for wanting a ring. Not because it is inappropriate to expect one after being together for so long, but because you are obviously very much aware that you are not compatible on many levels. Perhaps you didn't end it before because you felt guilty and knew that he depended on you. The fact is that you are not being fulfilled, you are not being appreciated and are being made to feel somewhat guilty about it. What good would a ring do?
You shyly reveal stray thoughts you have been having about the relationship you wish you had: equality, passion, appreciation.
I am sure you already know the answer to the question you have asked here. You just don't like the answer. It is a difficult situation you are in but you are both adults and you have to face the issues that plague your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Yes.. LOL i am sorry but I think it is crazy. You are an intelligent, independant, woman, who is of course worth this 5K.. whopper of a ring.. but sadly this man is offering all that he is at this moment. If you love him deeply and truly marry him, otherwise... try not to break his heart too much!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom Question Asker- he hasn't asked me to marry him - he wanted to look at rings and I showed him what I was interested in. An anniversary style ring about 2.5 (not 3.5) to about 5K. I pay 3K a month mortgage with little help from him each month, by the way.
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