A
female
age
30-35,
*oulousonn
writes:I am a 24 year old student in college who has never had a boyfriend or been kissed. it really hasn't bothered me, besides my friends bringing it up or other people asking me how come I am single, but recently my family has been picking on me as well.My father for telling me I should get a life and a man and my mother calling me a nun. It's too much really, I feel like crying constantly. I feel undesirable and depressed. help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): Everybody is going to judge you, family included. This will never change. I get judged. Happens all the time. But I DON'T CARE!!! It is actually very liberating!! Sometimes I laugh at how ridiculous people are.I let it all slide off me. You should do the same. Remember you are living YOUR life. They are living theirs. They have no right to interfere in yours. As you have no right to interfere in theirs. Words can hurt, can't they? Especially when you already have an open wound. And you already feel sensitive to the fact you are single. They just compound your own feelings. So you think that your feelings are justified and that you are not worthy because others are echoing your own thoughts. So it must be true then? NOT TRUE!!! It's all in the voice in our own heads. What WE CHOOSE to tell ourselves. Tell yourself you are worthy and you will find someone when it is meant to happen. Things happen when they happen. They happen for a reason. It isn't your time YET to meet someone. But it will come. Trust me!! Do not let others dictate your life or your self esteem. ok? Once you are older, you will realize this. You will have many life experiences and relationships under your belt and you will have paid your dues, that you really won't give a crap about what others think. But I understand. I was your age once and we are much more sensitive when we are younger and do not have the experience that makes us confident in ourselves.But you have to have a thick skin and be who you are regardless of what the world thinks. The world will always have an opinion. If you let yourself cave to every single opinion, which is NOT the truth, (just opinion - remember that!)then you are never going to have any self esteem!I was a late bloomer too. I was pretty and 24 and never had a boyfriend. I found one totally by accident at a wedding! I ended up marrying him. :) After we got married, everybody started asking... When are you having children? A lot of pressure actually. Especially from my European family. It was starting to make me feel BAD. Like there was something wrong with me. There was always an opinion and shockingly most are not afraid to express it. At family gatherings, one relative would whisper to another: "Why don't they have kids yet?" "What's wrong with them?" And it took us a long time to get pregnant. But we were judged all the same as people never know all the facts! But judge anyway. Which is a reflection on THEM and NOT YOU.Then after we had one, it became "Why aren't they having more kids?" "Why just ONE?" "What's wrong with them?" Well maybe anyone with half a mind could see that having a disabled child would be enough reason to stop at one!You should never have to explain your reasons to anyone! WHO ARE THEY?Just live your life sweetie. Be who you are. Focus on yourself and all your interests. This is the time. Once you get into relationships, things change. They become more complicated. Do you have DREAMS. We all do. Make your dreams happen. Get your education. Find your purpose in life. Be able to take care of yourself without ever having to rely on anyone else. This is the time to ground yourself and once you are ready, a man will come along to compliment your life, NOT complete it.Get out to social functions. Meet new people. Trust me this is going to be a good thing for you. Just get out there. Don't place expectations on yourself as they can always disappoint. But go out to socialize and have fun! Ok? Being alone and depressed is not good! You will one day be in the right place at the right time and so will he!Society sets this standard on women that there is something wrong with them if they are not with a man. Not true! Today more than ever this isn't true! The time will come. Until then relax! Live your life. Look at all the good things about yourself and stop focusing on this one thing, which is not necessarily a negative!Also, I would suggest limiting your contact with negative people and when they say negative things, IGNORE them. That usually shuts them down when you do it enough. Do not indulge them in any way. Show them they cannot break you.Good luck. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): You know, my family did this shit to me a few years ago (I had my first BF at 22; I'm 24 now).But then they realized that I was having sex with my BF and started acting all super-conservative Catholic that I was having sex before marriage. I had sex with one person and they made me feel like a whore.So, here's what I learned: You can't win. You just can't. You have to do what makes YOU happy. Don't do things differently just to please your friends and family. They are NOT always right. In college I was made fun of for being a virgin (I didn't have sex till I was in grad school). But I've since realized that some of my friends were actually jealous of me. They had been used by guys, they felt cheapened by having casual sex/one-night stands, and their lives were way more complicated then mine. And I enjoyed my simple, happy life, knowing that one day I would find love. And I did!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 March 2015):
 My approach on this would be to have an emotional meltdown on them in a way that they would never broach the subject with me again.
Now it may just be that they are concerned about you and the questions about a boyfriend are part of the larger concern that you are living a happy life.
If you are happy where you are then just be very clear about that. Clear, firm and if you have to be, forceful.
If you feel that Dad and Mom are playing dirty by suggesting there is something wrong with you then you can play dirty right back.
"my family has been picking on me as well.
My father for telling me I should get a life and a man and my mother calling me a nun. "
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Dad, I do have a life and Mum I have no plan of being a nun. Your words are very hurtful. I could make a joke about the reason I don't have a boyfriend, because I saw how awful and unhappy you two are together and I don't want to repeat that. I'd rather be a nun than be with a man like my dad, I could say, or I could say that my parents' marriage was so bizarre it seems wiser to avoid romantic entanglements.
Now, if you continually feel like crying constantly and undesirable and depressed then you probably should seek out a mental health professional who is outside your situation and not part of your family or friends. This person could help you deal with these unhappy feelings in a positive helpful way.
I gave you the suggestion of being a bit snarky to your parents as a means to fend off what you perceive as criticism. Your last sentence suggests that there is more going on there than that Dad is an insensitive boor and Mum isn't much better.
In the meantime, you can note down all of the failed marriages and relationships and be sure to start reciting them when you feel you are being attacked. My guess is that the comments from your friends and family come from a place of concern and love, not a place of nagging and criticism.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (22 March 2015):
Try your best to ignore the pressure because it will get you down. I say this from experience. I was always given a hard time mostly by 'friends' and workmates, for being single. Once when I was 22, a work colleague said to me "Looks as if we'll have to keep referring to you as Miss, if you don't find a man soon you never will"I was ONLY 22!!! And this person actually said I had no hope left in finding love. Who gets married at 22? But...it upset me and I believed it. One time I bumped into a friend I had'nt seen for a long time in a nightclub and the first thing she said to me rather than Hello was "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" Wow! Talk about rude and pushy! And there were many other comments made from other people that hurt and went on for years. I ended up feeling unloved, desperate and felt I HAD to find a b/friend asap. Why? Because these people were making me feel worthless and that having a b/friend would make me happy. So I began to look for someone and met someone on the internet via a dating site. It ended in disaster. This person was evil! I was badly treated by him and it affected me. I feel angry because I was pushed into finding someone and then this happened. I was'nt thinking straight and making good decisions because of the pressure. But this experience made me reflect on my love life and I decided to remain single, let things happen naturally and focus on me. And it helped...ALOT. I have met some wonderful men over the last 5-6 yrs without pressure from anyone. These men just came into my life on their own when I was'nt expecting it and they made me happy.But i'm single still but out of choice. I pick and choose who I date on my own terms. No pressure from anyone. I left my job years ago where my workmates used to give me a hard time for being single. So cutting those nasty people out of my life helped. My close friends + family never pressured me so I have them around. Do the same, if someone tells you to get a boyfriend and makes you feel like sh*t, cut them out. If they think you'll be better off with a man than as you are, are they worth having around? Why can't they love you as you are? They will destroy you if you let them. As with you family, sit them down or write them a letter ans tell them how this is upsetting you. You're a grown up and they are actually being disrespectful of you. Tell them you won't put up with it and it they continue making comments about you being single, they'll only succeed in pushing you away. They are hurting you not loving you. I know how you feel hun, and I don't want to to end up like I did. Nip this in the bud now and don't let anyone make you feel imperfect because this is what they're doing. You deserve nothing but the best and to be loved. They have no rights over your love life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): Your life is your journey to take, and on your own terms. People will get in your way, and question why this and why that? Your journey in life is not to find answers to "their" questions; but to find answers to your own questions. That's what freedom is about, and what a good education and life-experience will teach you.
People of the "old-school" are taught you have to marry and have babies. Perpetuating long-gone double-standards for women. They are too interested in whether or not you are heterosexual; and their veiled-questions are applicable to their own appearances and public-standing with others. They are worried about rumors and innuendo, and they burden you with giving them reassurances. Never be concerned about whether you're good enough, or attractive enough, or straight enough. They are legitimately worried that you are lonely, and not able to socialize "like everybody else." You should seek company, enjoy sharing your time and talents with others; and enriching your life with what others can offer. People are social creatures, and you grow by working, playing, and sharing well with others.
If you have sought romance; and it evades you, perhaps that is because you given-up, and shut people out. Maybe you don't feel you're deserving. That is a lie insecurity whispers in our ear, when we lose faith in our own strengths. When we require the validation of others to determine our self-worth. When we think life owes us something, and we demand it before we even deserve it...or even have a clue what to do with it.
You are becoming a very strong woman, if your focus on having a career. Don't exclude interacting with men. It doesn't always have to be on romantic-terms. That may turn out to be a good side-effect, it you're into that. Don't fear us, not all guys will break your heart, or reject you. Some will. Then be strong enough to bounce back from it.
Don't get me wrong here. You still have to have something to offer someone else; and you still need to be open to those who want to supply you with love and affection. Be they just a friend, or a lover. Don't proclaim you can do without these things, because you can't. Just patiently await their arrival, and stay positive and hopeful.
Love who you are, and always be a work-in-progress to do/be better. Understand your faults and imperfections, forgive your own mistakes, and realize that human-frailties are in everyone. Marriage will not fix you, and boyfriends don't complete you.
Some of us are different. We live on our own terms, and do things in our own way. We don't always fit the mold, and we can't always get everyone's approval. So, we move at our own pace. I know it has crossed your mind a few times about whether you're attractive to people. Anyone with a brain knows there is someone for everyone, and they're just a matter of time and distance away. Right now, you're biding time, plotting your course, getting your education, and when it happens...it all happens.
Reasonable parents simply know that your time comes with it comes, and they make sure you have the foundation to seek and find your own answers. They give you tools to survive on your own. Once you are out in the world; what you do with your life may be their legitimate concern; but it's no longer any of their business.
Let them worry when you are going down the wrong path, let them be concerned when you are sick, let them step-in to offer their support when you are undergoing a crisis; and let them comfort you in your grief. Listen to their advice with respect and devotion. Beyond that, it's nobody's business when you find a man, have a baby, or if you even want any of that. Your higher-calling may not include it; but if your life does include these things, and you want them; your blessing will come when the time is right for YOU! Everyone older once sat where you're sitting. They've forgotten over time how it all feels. They think they're questions are coaxing you; but they are in-fact, annoying you. Even discouraging you. Speak-up, when enough is enough. You're grown-up enough to stand your ground.
That doesn't mean you have to be on the defensive. You're not guilty of anything.
You don't have to answer questions to affirm your sexual preference, you don't have to constantly explain why you don't have a man, or why you've never been kissed. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and somewhere along your journey;, you will receive all the things you want and need. Somethings you will seek and find on your own, and others will come as an unexpected blessing or reward.
Not on the time-schedule set by your parents, siblings, friends, or neighbors. Sometimes not even by your own planning. They will come when that time is right for you, from the person who is right for you, and in the way you are willing to receive it.
Life is a daily pop-quiz with multiple-choice answers. You only have to answer those life-questions that set your course, navigate your route to happiness; or get you out of a jam. If people have questions, you can pick and choose who to answer. If mama wants to know when you're going to have babies, be respectful. Tell her, who knows when that blessing will come? Did she know?
If your dad wants to know when you'll find a man, tell him when the right one comes along; hopefully you'll know. If you are not interested or concerned for the moment; tell everybody, you are mapping-out your life according to your own plans. If your destiny includes the things they are concerned about, and think you should have. They'll be the first to know. If they keep pressuring you about it, and upsetting you; they'll be the last.
Good luck on your journey, sweetheart! Enjoy your youth and independence. God bless you in many ways, and give you what you may want and need. It will all come in due time. Not when others think you should have it, but when it you need it most! If it is what you want for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): i'm 27 and never had a girlfriend, if it makes you feel better
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): Oh whatever! That's how you should look at those comments. In time you will run into a guy and make a great wife and that guy will love you to death because you don't have any prior baggage. What fine catch you will be!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Learn to say GO FLY A KITE when people tell you how to live your life.
It's YOUR life live is as YOU see fit. Having a BF doesn't make you a better person.
TELL your parents how their comments make you FEEL, my guess is they think they are "helping" you to go out there and met a guy, when in fact they are making that even harder.
Some times parents are just STUPID older than you people. ( I know this because I am one).
*hugs*
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