A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I know this is a "silly" problem, but it's something that has been on my mind a lot in the recent weeks and I would just love some advice on how to cope with the situation. My boyfriend is basically very well off, and Im rather poor. He's earning more every month (I have not dared to ask him even how much he earns, I don't want to know because I fear it would make me feel worse about it). In addition he's about to sell his apartment, which has brought into light just how much he will profit from the sale. And I have just recently discovered just how much money is in his bank account (we had a talk about it, no snooping of any kind). Meanwhile, here I am, still renting an apartment that is half the size of his current one (and he's planning to buy a place that is over 4 times the size of my apartment). I have had trouble finding work in my field, so currently working part time and with low pay at an office with no relevance to my education (which really does suck as it makes me feel like a complete loser, if I may be honest).I've not told him so much about these thoughts, just that I feel uncomfortable when he asks if we should go out to eat, and I have to tell him I can't afford it. He pays. Every time. But I hate being dependent on him. We have discussed moving in together, and I asked about how we'd divide expenses. And his offer is that I live at his place for free and only pay my share of monthly expenses such as electiricty, food etc. I know, great deal, right? Think of all the money I could save! I could really save up loads of money this way and invest it and get rich even with my crappy job, just for living at his house and not paying rent to landlords. But my pride... ah, my pride... I often catch myself thinking how much easier it would be if he was semi-poor like me. I don't feel like an equal to him. He wants to go to different events and do activities, eat out, go on vacation. He said he would pay for me if he go on vacation, because I initially said I can't go (can't afford it). Who doesn't want to live rent free and get free vacations? I would love to live with him and to travel with him, he's the funniest and most amazing guy I know, great in bed, super handsome. I'm completely in love with him. But my pride wont let me enjoy it and I feel like a stubborn brat saying no to these things just because my pride gets in the way. Help! I have tried to put my pride aside and say "You know, money doesn't matter, if he wants to treat you then let him, and just enjoy it". But then I go thinking "I'm a grown up woman who should be doing my fair share and not be dependant on a man to pay my way!"I also get easily offended by small remarks from his side, such as the other day. We talked about how we'd share expenses when living together, and I suggested I could buy into the new home he's buying, to pay my fair share of living expenses. I know he didn't mean any harm by it, and he did apologize, but I got hurt when he said "You'd have to work 8 times more than you currently do, then". As in, I'd have to work 8 times more than what I do now to even begin catching up to half of what he's putting into that new home. It was just a sharp reminder of the really large income/savings gap between us.How do people manage relationships with huge income/savings gaps? To be mentioned, he's only 6 years older than me. No rich parents, he's all self made.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): I am not sure I agree with the other responses given so far, but I wouldn't go the opposite way and say you should leave him.Personally, I think the way a person has made their money and the way they handle their money is much more important than how much money they have.Looking at what they did to get money will tell you a lot about their values - are they competitive, shallow, greedy, cut-throat, etc - or did they make their money fair and square, through hard work in a field that generates good things for others?Looking at how they handle money - are they impulsive, do they use it to show off, impress people (and partners), belittle others, gain a sense of superiority? Or are they cautious and stable with money, sticking to a budget with the occasional splurge? Do they genuinely know how to share or do they use their greater wealth to indirectly keep others 'in their place'? It's not clear how long you have been together or how you met. Were things always financially unequal between you? Did he use this inequality to impress you and subtly get you to give up your own values?My daughter is in a similar position in that her partner is wealthier - but he didn't earn his money - he just earns an average salary for his age but he was given a big 'boost' early on by being bought a flat. My daughter has been with him for five years now. They are the same age. When they met she had just finished uni and was paying off student loans. Fast forward and he has now sold the flat that was bought for him and bought another. Although she could not contribute any money for a deposit for the new flat, they made what I think is a fair and sensible agreement. This was that he would take on a mortgage until she is earning a bit more and, when she is ready, she will become joint mortgagee with him. Until then, they will both treat the flat as their own and they will agree any changes and repairs etc and work out who will contribute what amount to each repair or improvement. When they come to sell, her partner will take out the deposit he initially put in, and any large payments for major works. The rest of the profit they will split between them and my daughter will also get back any major costs she may have spent on the flat. When they move home again, they will discuss whether they want to try to put an equal deposit down, or whether his will be the larger deposit again.I think from what you write that your instincts and values are really valid - that you WANT to feel you are contributing something and you want to feel you are becoming a substantial woman in your own right. A good partner will help you to do this, but I don't think this will be in the way that your current partner is suggesting.He has not suggested anything like my daughter's partner. He is making sure he doesn't get into any sort of financial arrangement with you other than you becoming dependent on him and him remaining superior. You don't sound like the kind of woman that wants to be a 'kept woman' - it doesn't seem to sit easily with you. I would feel the same and I always have. I've never earned a massive amount of money because I work in a field I love, and it doesn't pay well. BUT I did manage my money very carefully and made sacrifices - cut a long story short, I now own a home worth half a million pounds, with no mortgage. I still live a bit like a student, on a low income, and my job has no security, but it is what I want to do and I feel proud of it. I got no hand outs, no inheritances, no assisted housing or whatever. I got it through listening to my need to be substantial and non-dependent. And it started out with the kind of feelings you have.Your partner IS putting you down saying you'd have to work eight times harder. He's not working with you as a team. If he was, he'd be making something like the arrangement my daughter has with her partner. He'd be trying to help you to get a 'leg up' so that you can feel good about yourself. That's not what he's doing, he's treating you like something he can buy.It may feel good now - and maybe I've misread this and what you are looking for is permission to let go of your doubts and just let him pay your way. If so, go ahead, countless other women do.It just may not be for you. And the alternative is hard, sure. But I am really proud of what I've done and I'd say to someone like you, trust that your pride is trying to tell you something, it is there for a reason.
A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 I can appreciate your feeling of inequality, but he sounds like a great guy who loves you unconditionally. I'm sure there is a solution that can keep you both happy. He's got money, he loves you, he's kind and generous, and he's great in bed! Sounds like a keeper! I also imagine he is easy to talk to about your feelings in terms of the financial disparity, and where there is a will to reach an agreement that you are both happy with, there's a way!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017): It all sounded so great until he made that cutting remark. As if he's been doing the math? So he can spring it on you at a later date?Do you really love him? You sound as if you are always worrying about money and no doubt he is too. I think his thinking about it a lot has rubbed off on you, sometimes we have to be careful about other peoples pride.When money's involved in the equation then Love tends to take a back burner, especially if it's not appreciated properly! You have a job, I don't and can't get one, you probably earn more money than me, am I going to be envious and full of pride? No, certainly not. It is good to be grateful for the life you have, you have food, water, friends, family, a roof over your head, a fantastic boyfriend (?) and what more could you want?It is Gods will that we are happy and not worried about worldly stuff.So it is very silly really. Think about higher stuff than money, if you dare!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (6 June 2017):
 Well at least he's not dating you for your money. For the time being keep you flat on. That way you always have somewhere to go if you have a fallout. Your contribution needn't be just financial. Just organising behind the scenes for a busy man will be appreciated. Keeping the fridge stocked; getting the cleaner sorted, organising dinner parties is something you might be good at and he not. You can work out how you are going to support him if he is to be the major breadwinner. Just don't lose your independence or your ability to be independent if the situation should ever arise.
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