A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my husband had an affair a couple years ago, he says it is over but I have my doubts. She does not live near us anymore. I want to write her a letter and ask her if he has called her or written her a letter. If he has what has he told her, did he tell her he loved her and did he mention he was back with his wife are back together?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 June 2017):
 This is not about writing a letter. The issue here is you are not happy any more because you don't trust your husband any more. Honestly why stay in this marriage with someone who not only cheated on you, but someone you cannot trust any more. Surely you would be much happier on your own and not worrying about what he is doing behind your back? Writing her a letter won't achieve anything. I mean who is to say she would reply? And if she did how do you know she would be telling you the truth? Have you spoke to a therapist or a marriage councilor? Honestly if you are adamant that you are going to stay in this marriage then I think you need some help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017): I can understand your desire to contact her. Sometimes knowing details can help us find peace of mind. Your husband is not going to say anything about the affair.But I highly doubt she is going to give you any information. In fact, she may see you as desperate and weak. She may think you and your husband and still not on solid ground. And IF the affair indeed did die long ago and there was no contact since, then you are opening a can of worms. If she holds a torch for your husband, she may see this crack in your armour as a chance for her to rekindle the affair with your husband.I truly don't see what good this does. I wouldn't do it.I would just follow your instincts. Does your husband use social media? Facebook? Does he have apps like Snapchat? Does he use texting? Is he attached to his phone? Take it in the bathroom? Stay up late at night on his computer or phone? Does he delete texts? How is your sex life? Is he distant towards you? There ARE clues in his behaviour you need to look out for. You do not need to look at her at all. You need to watch him for your answers.Obviously you do not trust him. And with good reason. I think you are going to be spending the rest of your life watching him and feeling paranoid about what he is doing. Why wouldn't you? He had an affair. And he is capable of doing it again.Do you want to live under that constant anxiety and fear? It is really destructive to your self esteem and emotional well being. It eats away at you little by little. And it just snow balls over time. Not a way to live at all.So, you decide. If you think you are going to always be spying on him, then you should forget about trying to work it out and just let him go. This would be the best decision for your own sanity and peace of mind.If you want to watch him and catch him cheating with this former or current mistress or someone altogether different and feel justified by leaving, then go ahead. Ever thought about putting a GPS tracker on his car to see where he is going when you are not around? Does the former mistress live within driving distance? Could he still drive to her place or is it too far by car? I think in time you will have your answers if you decide to stick around. But is he really worth your time? Your emotional health? He has already proven that he is NOT.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies"- chances are thats what response you will get if you do get one at all. No care for you then, no care for you now. Don't do it to yourself would be my advice. If you think he has or still is in contact, cut the fucker loose. He says he's over it, so what, he did it and you still have doubts. Thats just it with cheaters- now and forever lingers the emotional and destructive seed of doubt.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 You can write the letter, but it won't help you.
Your core issue is that you (understandably) don't trust your husband. You either need to get couples' counselling to try to work through it or get a divorce because a marriage without trust is inevitably going to end even worse.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 June 2017):
 Go ahead write a letter. But I doubt you will feel any better about the situation IF and when she writes you back. The problem is you don't trust your husband. I recommend that you and your husband seek some marital counseling. That is if you want to try and save your marriage.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 June 2017):
 Why are you with someone you don't trust is the question you need to be asking yourself.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (6 June 2017):
 What makes you think you will get a response from her? Or that you can trust her in any way ?That is the worst in taking back a guy who had an affair. You give the rest of your time looking for the next time he will do it again
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