A
male
age
36-40,
*ingyang413
writes:I won't bore everyone with the same old story here because the problem here has been identified and well answered by many kind people and suffering men. I suffer severely from retroactive jealousy and have immersed myself in tortured thoughts about my current girlfriend's past. About 10 years ago, the first girl I dated had a past and I didn't, and I got very jealous and fell into the traps laid out extensively on this site. I immediately transitioned into dating an innocent girl without a past. She was 15 at the time and we dated for 8 years. We had a great relationship but it unfortunately ended over a year ago when she went crazy, I believe. I made some innocent life mistakes, but she fell out of love and that's that.After dating some girls, I finally found one that I really liked. We have dated now for 8 months, and I have really began to fall for this girl. I won't list her qualities, but she is incredible.Of course, when we first started dating we shared our past. We have always been very open an honest with each other, probably to a fault. When I pushed her, I found out that she has frequently made out with strangers in bars, had a couple of fuck buddies, and stupid casual college hook ups etc. I couldn't deal with the unknown so I pushed her for more info. The more info I have gotten, the more innocuous the behavior has seemed, which should theoretically help. But in reality, it gives me more detail which is more material which is bad.We just got back from a romantic 5 night getaway at a tropical destination, but much of the time I was psychologically crushed and in anguish over playing her past in my head. The RJ used to be intermittent, but now it's all-the-time. If you have not experienced it, do some other good research and you will understand. This is not normal jealousy. I actually am not jealous of her in the normal sense. I trust her with all of my heart (says a lot given how my ex left me without warning). When she goes out, I'm fine not calling, texting, etc. Usually she is the one to text me. i don't accuse her or think she is cheating on me ever. I know she isn't. We have a fantastic relationship.I have read "Yos'" many posts about RJ and understand further that this is a form of OCD. Before I spend all kinds of money on therapy, I need to know first that I can get better. Where can I learn how to meditate? There is so much info on what people with RJ should do, but I need more specific step by step details of how. I need to hear success stories. All I stumble across are horror stories. How should I proceed first? She has been so very accommodating, and I do my very best to never get mad at her for her past and call her names, etc. She knows what I am going through and only wants to help. So here I am, asking for help. Any success stories or details would help.I don't need to be criticized or made fun of. I feel embarrassed about these feelings and I know that I need help. I don't want to break up with this girl, but some of the suggestions on here say that the best solution they have found is to do just that, get help, and then find a girl with a more innocent past.Thanks in advance-
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2012): I'm a woman I also don't like it when they have been around but that is more because I don't like loose morals. Kissing strangers in bars when you're drunk is not that much of a thing. If they have only slept with people they have had a relationship with that's fine.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 December 2012):
 It sounds like you have it bad. You have my sympathy.
The good news is that you have identified the problem. You also are not blaming her, and rationally recognize that what she did is not that bad, all things considered.
You don't need to feel embarrassed about this.
You say that you need to know first that you can get better. There's your catch 22: you can't know for sure. Realize that you will never get 100% better, but that you can quite possibly get to a place where it's at worst an occasional brief irritation.
Perhaps think of it this way: what have you got to lose in trying? Worst case scenario you end up leaving here but will hopefully have learned something in the mean time. And can credit yourself for trying. And it's very possible that it goes well and you learn the mental tools to beat retroactive jealousy.
Have you tried googling for a local meditation class? I recommend basic Buddhist breathing meditation. You could also try looking for yoga or tai chi, both of which include a lot of meditation.
I only have intermittent Internet access for the next 2 weeks but will check back here when I can.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 December 2012):
 A combination of therapy and medication for obsessive thoughts would probably be your best bet for really beating this. Insurance often covers mental health visits, so call them to get a referral for a psychiatrist within your network.
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