A
female
age
41-50,
*az961
writes:my partner and i have been together for 8 years, hes just gone 40 and i m 36. we have been friends for 19 years after meeting when i was 17 and seeing each other for a few months. we stayed friends after this and i had my son with someone else and he had a daughter with someone else. everything has been brilliant for the last 8 years but the last 5 weeks have been hell, which through this site i have discovered he is suffering from retroactive jealousy. I have a rather colourful past, which my partner knew about seeing as we have been good friends for so long. he himself has a less than exemplary past, cheating on two of his long term gfs with me. i at the time was single so i wasnt hurting anyone. in the last 5 weeks he has called me hurtful names, left once but came back after a day and half because he missed me so much. i get questioned about details of past sexual encounters and when i cant remember he thinks im lying.he is my soulmate and hes told me how much he loves me. its killing me to see him like this and to think that he has vivid images of me with other men. i have suggested seeing his gp but he doesnt want to be seen as being mad! how can i help my other wise perfect partner because this is destroying us both.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Serpico I think you give great advice and insight on retroactive jealousy. You are kind of the flip side of my experience in that I managed eventually to beat it. But it took some letting go of some deep beliefs and I ended up not the person I was when I went in.
I agree that retroactive jealousy is much more common than people realise. I think many men internalise the feelings and deal with it ok. I think many women instinctively know this and avoid triggering it by keeping the more colourful elements of their pasts hidden from their partners. Both are fine.
But when it strikes it can strike incredibly hard: the torment that it can cause I can't understate. In that situation it's entirely reasonable for a man to say he can't deal with it and seek a partner that he is comfortable with. It's also important that he does this with respect and compassion. A woman is not 'wrong' for having the past she has, it is just that they are not compatible.
Even though I beat retroactive jealousy I know it could come back. It's not something you permanently delete but rather something that you can manage to the point of unimportance. But it takes a certain routine and way of being to keep it that way. Fortunately that way of being is healthy, but if i was to ever really suffer from a crisis that attacked my self esteem and personal strength then that would be a danger moment for retroactive jealousy creeping back in.
To the op I would say don't be angry at him or blame him for what has happened. I know for certain that he would much rather he wasn't experiencing this. Try to have compassion for the unfortunate choice he is being forced to make. And be strong in yourself: you have done nothing wrong and what he is doing is no judgment on you. He's just not the man he needs to be to be able to be the man you need.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (14 February 2013):
In a way its too bad, but the way you need to look at this is for him the pain from RJ is simply greater than the pain of moving on. What you did while you were friends made no difference at the time - its when he makes the emotional investment when it starts to hurt. I was in a similar situation some years ago. I had a very good friend who wanted to make it more than a friendship. I was honest with her - I told her I simply knew too much about her past for it to ever work. At that point of my life, I was very aware I had RJ, and I needed to be honest about it.I keep telling people this thing is more insidious and widespread than most would ever imagine. Like most things in life, they kind of ignore it until it happens to them. Its up to each women to do what she wants sexually, that's completely up to her, but do know with each increased casual partner there is just that many less guys who will accept it for a long term committed relationship. Just the way it is.In the end, its probably best he moved on. This thing is so primal and deep rooted in evolution, its very very hard to defeat. Thats why you read so many horror stories about it here about men not being able to get over it and almost being driven to suicide in some cases. I have/had RJ. I have realized that its a fight not worth fighting and its much better for all involved to find someone with a past I could handle. I think its wise he's doing the same.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 February 2013):
Too bad.
One thing I learned is that men have a misconception about women: namely that a girl who likes to hop in bed when single without worrying about it too much can't be faithful in a relationship.
Many men feel that, but the reality is totally different. I know a fair number of women who had a lot of sexual partners before they settled down. But when they settled, really found the right guy, they are the most loving faithful partners you could ever hope for. That's the reality of how many women are.
One key to resolving retroactive jealousy is the man understanding that his judgments and 'logical reasoning' are based on male thinking, male emotions and male emotions. Women are deeply different and many of those judgements are just plain wrong because of this.
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female
reader, maz961 +, writes (14 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the question he has told me that for the last 5 weeks all he has done is think to the point of breakdown, and since he has decided to leave me he feels better in himself and the angst, chest pain and stomach churning have gone. he knows he is problably making the biggest mistake of his life but he sees me as tainted. i told him how i feel about us and it can be overcome but he said to put it bluntly he doesnt find me being a slag attractive, great for the lucky bloke whos turn it is that night but not so good for securing a relationship! nice hey! i wouldnt mind, but he knew who i was before we got back together, hes been in my life for 19 years. He says hell probably never love another like me but hell also never feel this gut churning again.
I dont see any future for us im afraid yos. stupid stupid retroactive jealousy!
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 February 2013):
It sounds very much like he loves you and is suffering from retroactive jealousy.
Don't underestimate the torment he'll be suffering: I experienced it myself and it was the most unpleasant and unbearable experience of my life.
In this case, pulling away from you, saying 'i don't have to be with her' is a pressure valve that offers him pain relief.
I suggest letting him create this distance. If he truly loves you then once he feels that distance becoming real and starts to feel alone he'll realise what he is giving back. The best you can do is give him the space and show that you are a separate person that wants to be with him but doesn't need him. Seeing you as a strong independent woman will break some of the lies his jealousy is telling him and hopefully snap him into greater self-awareness.
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female
reader, maz961 +, writes (13 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHes made his choice Yos, and thats flight. We had a massive row monday night and from that point we havent discussed it. Seems like splitting from me has done him good because as i write this he is sitting in another room watching a film and laughing away! Hes not sleeping in our bed either. And hes removed all pictures of me from his facebook. I am actually beginning to doubt that hes had retroactive jealousy, because of how easy hes found it to forget about us. But then i think of the intimate questions hes asked me, and the comments that he finds it hard that his perfect girlfriend has let herself be used by men and that he doesnt feel special to me. Ive seen many of those kind of remarks from men suffering from rj on this and other forums. Maybe im wrong, maybe he just cant bear to be around me or accept my past. I actually heard a comment he made earlier to my son after my son said he should go on jeremy kyle ( my son is 16 by the way and my oh has been a dad to him as his dads never had anything to do with him) to sort his problems out, he remarked he hasnt got a problem and the only thing that could help him would be a time machine. But thats not gonna happen is it!Im assuming you know who jeremy kyle is by the way!
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (13 February 2013):
The horrible irony is that jealousy is the shadow of love. Men experience this powerful retroactive jealousy when they are in love: and the more in love the more powerful the negative emotions. It's because he loves you that it hurts so much to imagine you being 'easy' with other men. If he didn't love you it wouldn't matter to him.
Women do think differently than men on this, and have different feelings too. Not entirely, but there are some key differences, and these partly make communicating about it very difficult.
By leaving you he's not overcoming it, he's fleeing from it. If he can understand this he can them make a choice: flight or fight.
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female
reader, maz961 +, writes (13 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyoure right yos, there are two solutions.If it was me id swallow my pride and take the route of counselling or whatever necessary to continue a relationship with the person i love more than anything in the world. He knows its his problem but he is too proud to go to his gp for a referral to a therapist or whatever. He obviously hasnt got the balls to face this thing so running away is his solution. He has never cared about other gfs pasts, including the mother of his daughter.so maybe he thinks he wont have this problem with someone else.We never told each other i love you till this whole thing started.We are not that sort of couple, but both of us knew how the other felt.Since this started he tells me how much he loves me and vice versa, and that is what i am finding hard to swallow. As i said above the amount of love i feel for him would be enough for me to take any steps necessary to save us, but maybe a woman thinks different to a man? You say some dont want this to control them and overcome it, well hes overcoming it by getting rid of the best thing that ever happened to him ( his words) and that is what i find hard to swallow, giving up on us.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (13 February 2013):
He doesn't need a gp, he needs a psychiatrist.
When he leaves this won't leave him alone. If he ends up with someone else, her past will haunt him just as much as yours. He'll perhaps get 'fortunate' and find someone with a very clean past, although that's perhaps more likely just to be someone pretending to have one.
He's lost unless he realises that this is his issue not yours. Some men come to this conclusion and then also realise that they can't overcome it and have to leave. That's unfortunate but necessary to escape the pain it causes both people in the relationship. Others realise they don't want it to control them and overcome it.
I suggest you stop with the reasoning and especially with the pleading. Tell him to leave you. You break up with him. Make it clear to him that you are only willing to have a relationship with him if your (and his) past is not an issue, and that he does everything in his power to make that so. That's his decision if he wants to try. But it's also your decision not to stay with a man that is abusing you over your past.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 You can't fix a broken relationship if you are the only one doing the fixing.
I'm sorry he's being this difficult for you.
I hope you can find peace with this situation sooner rather than later.
give yourself permission to grieve the death of your relationship and your hopes and dreams.
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female
reader, maz961 +, writes (12 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all your advice. Thought we were getting somewhere after we had a great day sunday spending the day in bed together with minimum questioning which i got up and walked away from which resulted in an apology from him, even had an appointment booked to see his gp today. Last night though he came in from work and started reading god knows what on some other forum and decided he doesnt need to see a doctor, the problem lies with me, not him and leaving is the only option apparently. That way he wont think about me. Ive tried reasoning with him, pleading with him but his mind is made up. I thought we would grow old together till this nasty horrible "issue" came up.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (9 February 2013):
A lapse in self confidence could be the sudden trigger. Retroactive jealousy is related to low self esteem on some level: perhaps his getting older has made him feel less sexually capable. Or perhaps it's something else, like a problem at work.
He needs to stop saying hurtful things to you right now. It's not ok no matter how bad he feels to attack you or put you down. He knows that I assume, I would try to get him to promise not to do it. And to mean it, and then to act on it. Also by not acting out he may find the obsessive thoughts he's having lose some of their grip.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (8 February 2013):
 So_Very_Confused is absolutely right
The past obviously can't be undone, so the constant obsessing over it is a form of OCD. He's going to drive himself insane over this, if left untreated. It's time to seek out some therapy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2013):
OP I'm so sorry and your avatar tells me how sad you are about this... but to be honest YOU can't fix him.
IF he's fine when he's with you but the obsessive thoughts come when he's not with you, well then I think the only way HE can fix this is to seek therapy and possibly some medication for OCD thinking...
Sadly if this is an issue of his making there is NOTHING you can do to fix it. There is no action you can take to change his feelings or thoughts and you will have to make one very very hard decision.
to stay with him with his OCD RJ thoughts or to leave and find a relationship where your past is not thrown in your face as a way to justify bad treatment.
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female
reader, maz961 +, writes (8 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsageoldguy you are way off the mark, there is no way anyone else involved, he knows hes got too much to lose. if that was the case he wouldnt have come back after he left last week. And immortalprincess ive said all this to him and he knows what a hypocrite he is being and he feels truly ashamed, but he just cannot stop these horrible thoughts and images about me with other guys. he doesnt know these people but his mind has conjured up faces for them.While were together hes okay, but as soon as hes at work or im at work these thoughts start and he just cant stop them.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (8 February 2013):
This "problem" takes many guises but I see a few basic similarities between my own experiences and what I have read from others. One thing is clear, women have no way of understanding what this can do to a guy but it can border on total insanity! The other common thread is insecurity on the guys part. I like most guys get a real "self value" boost from my partner having good sex and me being special to her. Yes, RJ can be triggered by silly little things that gnaw away until the whole thing blows up. OP, your comment about "all guys...etc" may have been read by your partner that he was just another dick for you to play with. He probably felt seriously devalued. The clincher for creating a category 1 RJ is if he has developed some confidence issues sexually, pretty normal in middle age. Maybe hes had a few erection problems or feels you arent being satisfied or are bored. One thing for sure is that he wouldnt be having this if he didnt love and value you, and I am sure it is nothing to do with other women. I had this experience once when my wife expressed some bordom with sex and wanted to try anal. Which I dont like and she has said she didnt like, and when she threw in casually that maybe she didnt like it because her ex's dicks were too big. ...well I would have preferred to be shot in the head!! But, we survived. I wish I could give you a good answer on how to get over this. Time helps, and doing fun stuff together, and working on showing yourlove and happiness to be with him. Good luck.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (8 February 2013):
"he thinks im gonna cheat on him because ive been easy in the past."
You could just as easily turn this around and say that you think he is going to cheat on you, because he is the one who HAS cheated in the past. Sounds like he's trying to project his own guilt on to you.
Remind him that his sexual past is no more innocent then yours is, so he needs to stop the double standard, before the damage to your relationship is too great to repair.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2013):
Sageold guy is READING MY MIND AGAIN...
Basically someone caught his wandering eye a few weeks back and he's projecting what he's thinking of doing onto you....
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 February 2013):
 My viewpoint would be that your partner has taken a fancy to another girl... and is in a mental turmoil.... because he KNOWS that YOU KNOW that his fidelity is fragile....
....AND SO, he is fabricating "difficulties" between the two of you, because THAT (those difficulties) would justify his being out catting for pu**y... and he gets away scot-free, since you and he are/were "on the outs" when he partook of his "bit on the side"....
I won't GUARANTEE this... but WILL offer you long odds that this is correct!!!!
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2013):
agreed that something has changed in the last 5 weeks if it's never been an issue before but it is now.
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A
female
reader, maz961 +, writes (7 February 2013):
maz961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reasons for it, according to him, are firstly I made a flippant remark weeks ago how its not my fault if a man cant keep it in his trousers and secondly he thinks im gonna cheat on him because ive been easy in the past. In the 8 years we have been together I have not so much as looked at another man. I have had everything I want right here but he is obsessed with me going with someone behind his back.that has not and will not ever happen.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 February 2013):
I agree with Anonymous 123 - you've been friends for 19 years, and your sexual past has never bean an issue. He even used it to his advantage, ie, cheating on two previous girlfriends with you.
Something has triggered this sudden bout of jealousy, and in order to salve this problem, you're going to need to figure out what that is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): It will drive you apart unless he can come to terms with this. What triggered this current anxiety - can you pin point an incident? Depression is probably at the heart of it. After all, you both have pasts, as we all do, these can't be wiped clean, so acceptance is the only way forward. I would point this out to him and help him to see that it is hopeless trawling over the past. What is important is today and tomorrow. And he should see his GP if this looks like depression.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 So everything was fine for 8 years and all of a sudden 5 weeks earlier he started questioning your morals? Something sounds off here. Why this sudden extreme reaction?
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