A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have read the articles on Retroactive Jealousy with great interest. I am the one that caused RJ in my lover, I have had less sexual partners than him but I have more sexual experiences. I am not proud of the things I have done and I am trying to learn to accept them. For me the hardest part is that it was not something I was happy doing but I kept on doing it. I know some people do not see what they have done as a problem. I personally view my past as HUGE mistake and a time in my life I was not thinking clearly, a mistake I would not have made under other circumstances. I just wanted to ask you to please go easy on your Significant Other. We are not the sum of our sexuality nor are we less than, because of our sexual experiences and no it is not the same as dealing with someone that killed your Mother. We are fragile, living breathing, people who are just as confused and hurt as each of you are. We have the added burden of feeling responsible for the pain you are suffering because we love you, we want to take your pain away and make it all better. Of course we can not, we are as helpless as each of you are we can only listen as possibly our lowest point in life is dissected, and try to be strong. Forgive us when we blow up or do not say all the right words, in reality all we want to do is fix it but sometimes we are as fallible and emotional as the next person.When you compare our past experiences to the love we have for you it negates the very beauty that we have found with you. You are special, we love you, we want to help and try hard to fix this because your pain is our pain, and your loss would be as devastating to us as we hope ours would be to you. In you we have found what we thought is our story book romance hero come to life, love adds the deeply special tag to life in general, much less the love of our life, you becomes our stars and moon. As someone reminded me today... you are looking through the eyes of love and love only sees the beauty. I understand RJ is a psychological problem and I do not condemn anyone for their problem, all I beg of you is to please remember to soften your words with love or consideration when you start asking questions, please do not hurt us as you are trying to heal by calling us names or calling our morals into question or cross examine our every word. The heart of love will forgive over and over but the scars the words cause can and do last forever. Loving you makes us as vulnerable as you feel and your being upset over something we have done does not allow us the security we may crave. Just as you may feel insecure with your special place in our heart and life so do we in yours. Yes I am in therapy… I have to heal from my past and from my present. We are no more and yes I am devastated. Please before you get to deeply involved in the pain of trying to heal, if you do not love her with your entire being and if you feel she is everything… Walk Away and heal alone, you will still need to heal no matter what but this is, such a painful experience for all if you are not committed to her and the relationship walk away if you can before the pain is even harder. If you stay and I see from the numerous posts that a lot of people have (kudos to you all and I wish you all the best with more good days than bad), remember even though I am sure you will rage…. how can you not, stop a moment and think before you utter the words that will and could last through eternity. In the end my past destroyed the very future I was fighting so hard to have with a man I thought was everything I ever wanted in a man, someone who would love me just me as much as I love him. I am of course heartbroken but I do not condemn him for walking away we all have to make the best choice for ourselves. I just wish that in reality I was not the cause…. Please chose your words wisely, with care and consideration because we are people that are not always the same as we were in the past.
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heartbroken, insecure, jealous Reply to this Article
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male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (4 March 2011):
I bet your article will help me in the future! Because I do not like girls who have done more than kissing.Luckily, I am becoming more tolerant.Thanks for the advice and good luck good woman!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the comments and you where right I should have chosen my "man" more wisely. I believed that the things I did hurt him so deeply that he needed to heal but we could work it out together. I gave him the benefit of a doubt. I was wrong. Maybe my Pollyanna view is that it is a true problem and that it can be worked out if everyone is willing but you have to love each other deeply for it to work. My man did not have that strong of a love for me.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Wonderful sentiments, beautifully expressed. I hope you find the peace you seek.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Lovely words, and very thoughtful, kind and understanding. Thank you for writing this.
Like Janniepeg, I also don't do jealousy. A man asks me too many irritating questions, starts judging me negatively, or dares to be rude to me... well he's out the door.
I love myself more than some man. I have a very, very low tolerance for pain or abuse.
I understand however, some people suffer like this, and I'm sorry for them. Learning how to fix your mind is the only way. (Buddhism, counselling, a better philosophy about life)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Your past is not a mistake. I just don't bother with men who have problems with my past. The moment he's asking too much, frowning, suspecting me is the time I say goodbye. You are not responsible for fixing his problem. You don't need to tell men to choose their words wisely. YOU need to choose your men wisely.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Thank you for writing this.
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