A
male
age
51-59,
*l101
writes:I know that this topic has been covered but not from my situation so I would genuinely appreciate any help.I had a healthy sex life up until 27. about 12 partners, lot's of fun, innocent enough sex. Nothing out of left field as it where. I would say I was highly sexual but pretty straight sexualy with some fantasies that I never had the confidence to express. But didn't bother me as I was having fun.I was an anxious person and had been through some real tough times in life but just got on with stuff. When I met my now wife (GF back then) I was a little mixed up and stressed over money, health and stuff. I had some pretty crazy ideas about not ejaculating too much to save energy and was quite internalised in my thinking.I also fell in love with my new partner but didn't have the same easy feelings around sex with her as I did with pre-girlfriends. She seemed to have no understanding about anything that wasn't how she wanted things to be and quite self absorbed. In the past sometimes it would take me a month or so with a girl before I relaxed and got into a fun sexual groove with them, but they didn't seem to care and all said take your time - all is good and it always was.This girl however took it as an afront to her that I didn't fuck her 24/7 and and very quickly made comments about her exes had ravished her and been into her and how much she had enjoyed sex and even went as far as telling me about this great time she was fucked over a balcony overlooking the ocean as her friends came back from the beach. All of this unrequested on my behalf.I kind of let it go, but as our life unfolded together and things were not great between us I just started getting more pissed off that she had said this and then anger turned to jealousy and then I started to want to know all bout her past which I trust her is 5 exes.I know I'm a good in bed, I'm average dick size but am fun and make her come quickly and easily. But I'm just mixed up with this anger and jealousy.My wife really is a lovely woman and I know is a very different person to who I married, we both are. She is very sorry for what she said and I believe her, I know she was just insecure at the time.She also has a history of saying half truths so as to not make me go nuts like I asked her when we first went out if she had been with a black guy. No, no came the answer and then years later I find she has been with half cast guy. So technically she is right, but come on !Now I know that she can't win coz if she tells me the truth it winds me up and if she doesn't I'm just going to pursue it to the end.I know she loves me, I know we have great sex. But like many others I am going nuts thinking about all the great sex she had before me.Yes I know it's logical that she would have enjoyed sex with exes, just as I had fun myself but because of her stupid insecurity at the start and my dissposition to anxiety and anger, I feel I have been wronged and if it wasn't for my 6 year old daughter I honestly think I would have walked just to end the distress.I feel really pissed that I have these images in my head that I didn't ask for. To make it worse because I basically made her tell me the truth about her history I know that one of her exes published a erotic story about an experience they had, I know she has made home porn with an ex, I know she has done the mile high club twice with different exes. I know she was asked for a 3 some which she says she turned down (I'm inclined to believe her) and all the rest of it.So now I've just made it worse for myself, I asked her to be honest and she was and now I just have more ammo to go nuts over !!I have resolved OCD, panic attacks and anxiety within myself. They do not trouble me anymore...But this I can't let go, it doesn't matter what she says, my mind says she was fucked better before me, basically because she said so right at the start of our relationship over ten years ago !Help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): You have marital problem(s).
This is just the tip of the iceberg that you are mentioning.
Get counseling.
Work with a good counselor.
Talk about all this stuff.
"I am going nuts thinking about all the great sex she had before me"
Which is a problem, but you probably don't know the entire story and you really don't want her to tell you, but you want to know at the same time.
The marriage is where the problem is, in the present, not in the past.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): In my experience therapists can do the same thing that you can do on your own: Little or nothing.
Retroactive jealousy is something to be avoided, not treated. The sooner people embrace this simple truth the sooner we make any progress on helping those who struggle with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): You need to get help as it does not matter if you walk away from your wife. The next woman you fall for, she will have a history too!
I have that kind of jealousy and it is horrible. As you know it was the past but still feels like a betrayal which is of course it is not. But for me as a female the love my boyfriend might felt for his exs or the words he might said too them hurt me the most, not the sexual aspect which men seem more hung up on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): CindyCares is right you need to go seek professional help. Retro-jealousy is a horrible poison that doesn't go away on its own no matter how hard you try because the object of your jealousy is your wife.
I'm in a relationship of 6 years now with a girl with no real previous history she was a virgin when we met but did fool around with other guys before me, not that it would have mattered really but it helps. I made sure to make it clear that her sexual past was something I wanted no details of although it's mutual really as I've had quite a lot of partners, the real number to which she will never know. Frankly I've experienced what you are going through now with one of my exes, she pointed out a guy in a bar one night while we were out and told me with a smile that he "fucked her senseless" one drunken night when they used to be friends. She even went into detail, said she had bruises and was sore etc. afterwards.
It still pisses me off now thinking about it, although this is the first time in long time that I thought of it. Nothing she said made it better. Thoughts of it literally invaded my dreams so with all due respect to Chigirl her advice of forcing your brain to stop thinking about it doesn't really work because your mind won't let go and if you find a way of ignoring it while awake you'll just start dreaming about it, if you aren't already.
Just to make it clear though it wasn't simply a matter of that one incident that spoiled my ex for me, that was just the tip of the ice-berg, for whatever stupid reason she thought it would be okay to go into her sexual past and to be honest it was horrific. She stopped counting at well over 50 sexual partners. She slept with every male and female friend she's ever had at some point and she doesn't keep friends for much longer than about 6 months (I wonder why). The worst part of all though was her description of how most of her sexual encounters came about, basically she just let any guy who was horny and persistent have sex with her regardless of who he was or whether she wanted to or not, just so they would stop pestering her, literally she admitted that most of her sexual encounters were like that. If a guy crawled into her bed at any time she would let him have her. What's worse is she kind of found this funny, when she described how most of the time she just lay there bored and annoyed waiting for them to finish.
Look I made the mistake as you when she told me about her number of partners, I needed to know details because my mind wouldn't let it go and I thought if I knew the details somehow that would make it better, how wrong was I?
I'm sorry to say it, but the only thing that actually got rid of those thoughts for me was extricating her from life altogether. I literally ended up not being able to look at her without utter disgust, even though I've had a similar amount of partners over the years, none of them were ever in those kind of circumstances they were always a mutual act, the idea of any girl letting me use her body like that when she really didn't want me to horrifies me. I was disgusted at myself more though for feeling that way about her, the thought that any asshole could have her in that way, completely uncaring and get whatever he wanted from her and she let them was way too much for me.
My point is, as bad as you think your feelings are they're quite normal and it could be a hell of a lot worse. Your woman had 5 exes with which she enjoyed an active sex life. But all they were is a build up to having you. You have to see that you won the race and got the prize so it doesn't matter who you ran against. Understand that it is far more important she had good sexual experiences before you, that she wasn't afraid to experience sex and experiment. Her past experiences were healthy and mutual. So no more details, don't ask her any more. Go seek some kind of counseling, talking it out will help. Look the feelings will fade, in time you won't be upset by them anymore, you just have to live with them though. These thoughts will never go away but they will fade to a point where you can accept them.
The ex I'm talking about was my girlfriend 8 years ago, I have absolutely no residual feelings at all, but recounting my experience now, still pisses me off a bit. But as I said I haven't thought about it in years. Don't be angry at yourself for feeling this way, it's very normal. Throughout human history we guys have been marrying virgin women, right up until the 1960's that was still very much the norm. While it's all very well being "enlightened" and willing to accept that women now have greater independence and more sexual freedom, while it's easy to accept that in an intellectual and spiritual manner, you just can't ignore millenniums of ingrained competitive human instinct to be the only and best partner your woman has ever had. Any threat to that thought, any hint that you're not the best can have a devastating impact on your mind.
Even though they were well in the past, in your mind the very notion that someone could have given her better sex than you poses a very real threat to you. Don't pay any attention to anyone who tells you it's in the past therefore it doesn't matter, while that may be true, it doesn't help. You already know it's in the past and that thought hasn't made it better because in your mind now the possibility that one of her exes was better than you means there is a chance that you haven't been able to match up to that. There is, at least in your mind, the very real possibility that she may have had sex in the past that was better than you could ever give her.
Women just don't seem to get how bad a thought that really is to some of us guys. The greatest pleasure we get from sex is performance, knowing we're hitting the right spots and giving our woman pleasure. The thought that someone else was better is very difficult for us to get over, that is true of any aspect of the relationship but especially sex. So don't let anyone tell you what you feel is wrong, you know better than anyone it is extremely illogical and they're definitely not feelings you want to have and while the effect of these feelings is currently negative, they are actually positive feelings to have. That competitive spirit is the same one that makes us fight for our partners, to compete to woo them, it's the drive and our animal instinct to be the best partner we can be and better than any other guy in her life past and present. It is this very drive that makes us strive to be the best for her and in most ways it's what makes us try our damnedest to give our women the best life we can.
Basically what you're feeling is normal and as painful and annoying as it is, it's not a feeling you should fight but you need to redirect it more positively and just get on with your life with her, you can't change her past but you're in full control of her present and future, in time you'll get over your retro jealousy but you just have to keep it in check until that time and not let it spoil the relationship or you will have even more worry about.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (23 May 2011):
Yeah I think professional counselling as well. You both deserve to be happy and experience love for each other. You can't do that whilst you are obsessing over the past and things that you can not and never will be able to change. You owe it to both of you to get this problem solved.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Obsessive ,irrational thoughts that keep showing up consistently and over which your logic has no control ARE a big symptom of OCD. As for anxiety,...you sound pretty anxious to me. It's not wise or healthy ,feeling like you do , just to "get on with stuff".
You need to seek professional help by a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and if you already did in the past, it does not mean it did not work, just that there are many many layers to unearth before cutting the roots of this kind of problem.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 You feel you've been wronged? In what way?
Your wife isn't the problem, you are. Why walk away from her then (if it wasn't for your daughter, I know), you wont be able to ever walk away from yourself. So your problems will only follow you.
You didn't ask for these images? Then how come you are obsessed with knowing about everything she did? Don't you realize that this is what puts all these images in there, and this is what KEEPS the images in there? If you chose to let it go, the images would also go away.
Take control over your thoughts. You're not a victim to how you think and feel. You are capable in every way to control yourself, to control your obsessions, your thoughts, your anger, how you react, and what you feel. If you are UNABLE to control yourself you must have a mental problem that needs addressing from a professional psychiatrist or psychologist. If you are mentally OK, then it is expected that you take control of yourself. Which one is it? Are you a victim to your thoughts and feelings? Then get professional help, alternatively you must be put on medication to calm yourself down. If you are not a victim, then the only thing to do is take responsibility for what you think and feel.
How do you stop yourself from thinking one thing? It is as simple as it is difficult. You don't allow yourself to do it. Every time your thoughts go in that direction, or start to focus on it, say to yourself "No, I won't think of that" or "I wont allow myself to think of that". If you can not immediately stop, distract yourself to thinking of something else that is more important.
How will this make it go away? Because just like "out of sight is out of mind", when you stop thinking of it, stop obsessing over it, it will also lose it's importance and it will lose it's grip on you. You have manipulated your brain into thinking that her sexual past matters. You can just the same manipulate your brain into thinking it doesn't matter at all. Then the images will as a result also fade away, until you won't think of it any more. But you need to not allow yourself to think of them to begin with.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (23 May 2011):
 You are right, you did make it worse by requesting all this information from her.
If you've read things on this website regarding retroactive jealousy, you'll know its in her past and you can't change what has happened. She is with you now, and this is the main thing that matters.
I think the only way you can overcome this is by seeking professional help from a therapist/counsellor. They'll be able to give you the tools you need. They can help you unlock the strength inside of you to release the past.
It does no good to hold on to something you can't change.
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