A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm so angry with my boyfriend. He hasn't approached me for sex for months but I know he's yanking it to porn and men's magazines. I'm sure he doesn't have a porn addiction, more so a preference.I'm guessing self love is easier because he doesn't have to worry about it being good for anyone else. Sex = too much work.After many disappointing sessions and rejected advances I decided to let him come to me. It happened once and that was while we were visiting his folks for Christmas and he had been angry with me earlier in the day.How do I drop the attitude and stop being so freaking angry with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRecommendations as to figuring out why it bothers me so much and how to get past it?
I ask because it really bothers me when I am in a relationship and I know my significant other is viewing pornography. I'm realistic enough to realize that this will likely always rear it's ugly head and I'm just so tired of how upset it makes me.
It's not that I want to view it or anyone else wants me to, it's that I don't want to feel so heartsick knowing my partner wants to.
I know self esteem is key, but I am wondering if a control issue might be tangled up in there somewhere.
A bit of history as well; as a child I had a small collection of porn that I found laying along my rural road. I was also able to see my parents having sex through a crack in the floor directly next to my bed.
I did not masturbate while viewing or thinking of either, although I did begin masturbating in the shower and I think it may have been spurred by those events.
My father found my collection and caught me looking through the crack in the floor and I was heavily scolded for both. I always wonder how those events have affected me in my adult life.
(Sorry for the repeat question, I wanted to add more and I'm looking for as much advice as I can get.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I can understand how frustrated you are (in both ways!). If you're willing and anxious to have sex, then his behaviour is odd, to say the least. Ya, you guys need to talk. A couple of thoughts:- on the 'too much work' thing. Do you have any idea why he might think that? Is it possible that he doesn't think he can satisfy you without prodigious effort? Does he know what works for you, and do you let him know when that happens?- something I've experienced -- when we've been in a dry spell, it can be almost wierd when intimacy finally happens. We've had dry spells as long as two months. If you've been nothing but roommates for that long, the idea of being intimate can be almost scary. Most guys get over that hurdle for the simple reason that masturbation, while OK in the short term, simply doesn't compare to the real thing, and the need for a real girl becomes *very* motivating. All I can suggest is that you guys find a way to talk. And as difficult as it is, don't let him catch the vibes from your frustration.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): If he really hasn't initiated sex in months then there is a problem of some kind. Maybe it's his porn habit or maybe it's the relationship or maybe he's just cheating or something, but it needs to be dealt with.
Healthy men in good relationships just don't go several months without trying to have sex with their GFs or wives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't get in his face about it, I don't even bring it up anymore. But I'm seething inside.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 I think a serious (but calm) conversation is in order here. If you're being angry to his face all the time I can completely understand why he wouldn't approach you. Men don't like to feel as though they're being nagged at, so if that's what's happening he's going to turn somewhere else for sexual pleasure.
If he truly believes that sex is too much work, maybe you should question why you're still with him. Sex should never feel like work. There's nothing I love more than giving my boyfriend what he needs (and deserves) after a hard work day or week, and vice versa. It's not work for him, nor has it been for any other guy worth being with.
Basically, start by talking to him about it and see what happens. You'll have to make your decision based on what comes of the conversation.
masq
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