A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I lived at home, my mother and I were at loggerheads. She and I never got on. I was a hard teenager to deal with in fairness, my attitude was terrible, although I never did anything really bad. One time, when my mother was giving me a particularly hard time, I slapped her in the face when I was about fourteen. Ive felt very guilty for this ever since, and to this day, she throws it in my face how I was "violent" to her. I moved out a year ago, and because we dont see each other a lot, we get on better. But lately, repressed memories have surfaced, and they are horrendous. I distinctly remember her beating me, and worse, I keep getting flashbacks of her beating my younger brother when he was a toddler, making his nose bleed and banging his head off the floor. I remember going to school terrified of coming home. I remember HATING her as a child and wishing someone else was my mum. I dont know why all this is coming back to me, but it has been so unnerving. My mum briely told us she suffered bad post natal depression, and wont say anymore than that. The more I remember, the less guilty I am feeling. I have memories of her being nicer than nice infront of people, and then yanking my ponytail and smacking me as soon as the door was closed. I know theres no point telling anyone we know these things because they wouldnt believe me. My brother, cannot remember these events as he was a baby. I cant change the mistakes she made in the past, but its the future Im worried about. I am pregnant, and quite terrified of her being near my child when she arrives. What if she hurts her? I cant say this to her, because she will make me out to be crazy. I am making a promise to myself that no matter what my child does, I will NEVER lift my hand. My mum is already saying that a good smack never did anyone any harm. Should I explain to her now that I dont want her unsupervised ever with my child now, and I dont care who believes me or how much she denies her abuse to us, or should I allow her this chance on the condition that she NEVER harms my child? Its so hard to explain why I dont want her near my child when NOONE will believe me.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (20 March 2015):
You and your mother have a lot of water under the bridge i.e a lot of bad memories about you and her. Also there seems to be unresolved feelings between you. Hurt, anger betrayal etc You are right to feel uneasy having her around your child.But YOU are the child's mother and can decide who comes near your baby. I'm sorry you had an awful time growing up. I did too so can relate to what you're saying. Your mother's comment about spanking made me angry. After the way she was with her own kids, she's trying to pass on unhelpful advice even potentially dangerous advice! I'm against spanking myself but in her case....What to do? Do you want a r/ship with your mother and to work through all the hurt and pain she caused you? If so you'll need some help. Speak to your GP who'll refer you to a counsellor for families. Or if you look in the directory, there are good helplines you can talk to one 2 one to get started. We're happy to help you on here but sometimes it's best to get professional help. You're pregnant too so try not to let this get to you too much. The stress isn't healthy.Pregnancy is a special time and you should make the most of it. Spoil yourself and allow your friends and other family to shower you with love and attention. Make plans for the coming few months. Things to enjoy e.g a baby shower. Don't carry the past with you. It's easier said than done but you can and WILL be the best mother i'm sure. But in order to heal the past and move forward, you'll need some help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Never for a second feel guilty or feel like you don't have the right to say that your mother should not be around your child. That is your baby, yours to protect and cherish and her involvement in your child's life is per your decision. Given the circumstances, I wouldn't allow her around a child at all if I were you.
You need to talk to someone about what happened - a family member, a therapist, your decision.
Never let family obligations make you feel like a monster deserves to be in your life, or that you don't have the right to tell her no. She cannot just pull on your ponytail or beat you anymore. You are an adult, and you control yours and your child's fate.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 March 2015):
 My father abused me physically when I was younger. Out of anger. And an inability to cope. After a long time and lots of therapy including confronting him in a family session (that really helped me forgive and get why my dad did what he did)I learned to forgive him. NOT forget but forgive.
forgiveness is not for them it's for you. to help you heal.
when my kids were little I let them around my dad. HE has never raised a hand to my children (who are now older than you)
If you do not want your children around your mother alone that's FINE. if she ever asks why you should tell her.
but I think for YOU that going to a good therapist and working this through is in your best interest.
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A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (18 March 2015):
 You need to remember that as the years went by, you came out of your shell and stood up to that monster. You slapped your Mum. You changed the dynamics of the relationship.With that being said, you have the strength to tell your Mum "no" or tell her, she can see the baby if she comes round etc. If she throws a fit, tell her you need to trust her, if she doesn't understand why, tell her. Tell her ever since moving out, repressed memories have been coming back, and quite frankly you don't want your baby getting smacked until it has a nose bleed, so until you feel like you can trust your Mum, this is the only way she will see the child.If your Mum is the dramatic type, she'll kick off, say horrible shit and not want anything to do with you. Expect the worse in any situation. Over time, things will die down, but you need to hold onto your opinion. If you cave, you not only endanger yourself into being your mother's submissive, but you endanger your child to whatever mindfuckery your mother has in store. Obviously I'm assuming a bit there, but honestly, I'm going by my own personal experiences. I too had an abusive mother and half siblings. Over the years I've stood up to each of them, and our Mother's sound quite similar. Right now, your baby is everything, is priority, everything and everyone is second to that. Protect your baby first, before anything else.
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A
female
reader, jaquie +, writes (18 March 2015):
I feel like you have all the right in the world to shelter your (future) child from your mother, or have strict rules for example: they CANNOT be uncivilized by you or your husband or boyfriend.
I feel like to mend your relationship with your mother you need go to a counselor with their mother,at least once a week. But this does not mean that you have to let your mother anywhere near your future children.
P.S sometimes kids need an occasional spanking.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2015):
 I understand how you feel, with the exception of you slapping your mom. There was a lot of physical punishment/abuse that happened when I grew up, with slapping and liberal use of whatever striking object was applied to us at the time. I don't know why in abusive families, the pressure to deny or minimize it is so strong. If my own mom hadn't eventually seen her actions for what they really were and had a profound change of heart, I might have felt the same way you do.
Truthfully, I think you and your mom should see a therapist together as a condition of you letting your kid be around her, especially if she has the "a good smack never hurt anyone" mentality. And, I know you vow to never hurt your kid, but I wouldn't let you off the hook so easily either. You raised a hand to your mom, so that rage is in you too and must be faced before a situation with your child could push you out of control. I endured a lot of beatings and heard my brothers being hit as well, and I never hit back. My parents thought they were being harsh out of love, and because they thought our religion advocated harsh and strict discipline, citing this as a reference/excuse: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beat him with the rod, he shall not die." We all know that there are cases where kids WERE beaten to death with a rod.
I mean this - do not let family pressure shy you away from the truth of your situation. Everyone will minimize what happened when you grew up. Even I'm sure you feel the pressure to smooth things over and "remember" a lighter version of what happened. You know the truth.
You are not crazy. Given how you describe how your mom treated you and your brother, she's not fit to be around children without supervision. Push for the therapy and professional counseling. If your mom has a single brain cell, she'll drop the delusion and accept the opportunity to finally face that dysfunction, but chances are very slim she'll even acknowledge she had a problem apart from "post-partum".
It took my mom years to finally become honest, and an incident where she flew off in a rage and delivered a really savage beating, only to find out that she "disciplined" an innocent person, which broke her mind and spirit. She changed, and it took years and therapy to deal with the source of her rage (history of passed-down abuse, alcoholic parents, Child Protection removing her from her home for 5 years in foster care, and sexual abuse in one of the foster homes) and became a better, much kinder person for it. My son knows the kind grandma my mom has become, and I have no fear of him spending time with her. She never raised a hand to him...I envied him when he was little, he saw the mom I wish I had then.
It will take time, but don't let any family pressure of ridicule cause you to abandon your most solemn and important charge as a mom - to protect your child from harm. No matter what. No matter from whom. If your mom objects, be direct and require serious therapy both together and apart. You need to heal your relationship with her as well as deal with the anger inside you, because if you slip and let that dysfunction pass down to your kid, you'll never forgive yourself.
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