A
male
age
36-40,
*cer5100
writes:Hi Everyone,I’ve been aware of DearCupid for a couple of months now but this is my first question. Well, it’s not really a question. I guess I need a place to vent and hopefully find some sense in my confusion. I apologize if it sounds too long-winded, but I want to be as detailed as possible.About a year and a half ago I met a very cool girl at work (M). It’s the classic case of guy meets awesome girl who already has a boyfriend. While it sucked to know that, I figured we could still be friends. At first we only talked for formalities sake, but as time went on we grew closer. We discussed about each other’s history, shared similar interests, made jokes and more. Despite logic telling me otherwise, I fell for her. Foolish, I know.I never had any intention to come between M and her boyfriend. She’s in a committed relationship that’s been going on for over 5 years so I respected the boundaries. I knew I had to get over her so there were times last year when I purposely kept my distance. Apparently this upset her a little bit because she would complain to a mutual co-worker of ours that I was avoiding her. After a month of not seeing M, I finally caved and said hi. She immediately hugged me to my surprise, as we never expressed that kind of emotion to each other before.My feelings grew deeper as time went on. When she felt unappreciated at work, I was there to support her. I didn’t know much about the health of her relationship and I never pried. One night a co-worker was having a going away party. I asked M if she was going and her response surprised me. She said she wanted to but she wouldn’t be allowed. I replied that she’s a grown woman and should be able to make her own decisions. She answered that she could, but would have to fight about it the next morning. From there she told me stories about how her boyfriend had some controlling issues and felt insecure for whatever reason. This is not what I was expecting. She’s a beautiful girl with a kind soul; she could have any guy she wanted. Why she tolerated this behavior was beyond me. The hardest part was that I could tell in her eyes that she really wanted to go. Shortly after the New Year I saw M at work and she seemed down. I asked if she was okay and she said she got into a fight with her boyfriend. From what she told me, he seemed to be acting unfairly. She revealed more after work and things were worse than I thought. She said they have broken up more than once but he would guilt her back into the relationship. She ended up crying in my arms. I just listened and tried to give her advice. I told her communication is vital and hopefully he would turn things around. I guess he would go through cycles, a couple of months being nice which would alternate with being a jerk. I told her I had no right to say she should leave him. She replied that she should and that he’s made her life hell but she’s weak. Granted I was only hearing her side of the story and she chooses to stay with him. I’m not blind to that fact. She ended up calling me the perfect guy, which I shrugged off. I didn’t want her putting me on that pedestal. After that moment, our bond grew stronger. She would share other problems that were going on. M said she wasn’t used to venting and it felt good. She mentioned that her boyfriend isn’t really conversational. My grandmother passed away in January and she was there for me as well, so it was a two-way street. A couple of months ago I decided to tell M how I felt, not so that I could convince her to leave her boyfriend, but to avoid any regrets of not letting her know. I just needed to get this weight off my shoulders. One night after work I admitted my feelings to her. I told her I know she didn’t feel the same and I was fine with that. I said I would always be there for her if she needed me, but I would stay out of her life if that’s what she wanted. As I turned to leave M said she had something to tell me. She had feelings for me as well. This is not the reaction I was expecting. She is someone who is way out of my league. M said it’s been bottled up inside her and there were times when she wanted to tell me how she felt. We both agreed that nothing could happen between us as long as she was with her current boyfriend. However, she still wanted to remain friends. I knew the logical thing to do was to cut all ties then and there, but listening to my mind over my heart isn’t one of my strong points.Since then things have been fine until a few weeks ago. The mutual friend of ours that I mentioned earlier (let’s call her A) sent an e-mail asking me to call her. She didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but it was about M and what she told A, so she thought I should know. While A was at work, M went up to her and asked if she heard the gossip. A asked “What gossip?” She replied back that it was about her stalker…..me. She told A how I would always come to see her. She told a friend of mine who also works there the same, which he got the impression that she thought I was being a nuisance.Also, M apparently told another co-worker that I made her feel uncomfortable. That co-worker went to my boss, who then proceeded to talk to M about it. She told my boss that she didn’t want to make it a big deal and would take care of it with me personally. The worst part is that I heard all of this through A, my friend and boss, and nothing from M. I felt hurt, used, frustrated, confused and worthless all at once. I’ve done nothing but be there for her as a friend, expecting nothing in return. I was willing to accept that I would only be an “emotional outlet” for her, even though it was detrimental to my well-being. I was naïve enough to believe that I could get over her at the same time.I’ve been avoiding her at work again ever since I found this out. Then today she stopped me while I was walking by and asked if we could talk. I told her it would be best if we never spoke to each other again unless it was work related. However, she insisted and I agreed to let her explain herself after we got off work. According to her, she was only asking for advice from the other co-worker about how to subtly keep our distance and that co-worker blew things out of proportion. M informed the co-worker about her feelings for me and never told her I made her feel uncomfortable.When I asked about M referring to me as her stalker to A, she denied saying that. I don’t know if there was some kind of miscommunication between them, but I can’t imagine A lying to me. She has been a big supporter of M, wishing that she would leave her boyfriend for me. When I told A about the denial, she said that was a lie and that M is playing games. I don’t want to believe that either.I asked M why she didn’t just come to me first about this. She said she was scared and realized she made a mistake. She was just trying to help the both of us get over each other before things got worse. She apologized and started crying, saying she understands if I decided to hate her. Of course I can’t hate her. M revealed that she told her boyfriend about us, which I suspect he told her to stop talking to me; however she said he only told her to tone it down. M said I didn’t deserve this and that she doesn’t deserve my friendship that she damaged. She wants to be there for me completely but can’t. Essentially, she told me she’s still choosing her boyfriend over me. However, she said she valued our friendship above everything. Before we could decide on what to do next, another co-worker interrupted us so I went home.I’ve never been this confused in my life. She said she always ends up hurting people, but I don’t know if she meant guys from her past or former friends in general. I know not seeing M anymore will keep me from getting my heart broken again in the long run, but I don’t want to abandon her either. I realize I can’t put an S on my chest and come to her rescue. Everything that has happened is the result of choices she’s willingly made. I still believe she is a good person. I want good people in my life, but I don’t want to feel like this ever again.I’m sorry for writing a novel. I know I’m being childish. I have to make my own decision about this. Like I said earlier, I just needed to vent and I don’t keep a journal. If you’ve read this far, thanks! I truly do appreciate the support.
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at work, co-worker, girl at work, grandmother, has a boyfriend, her ex, her past, insecure, my boss, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kryssy +, writes (28 June 2011):
 sorry it's been like forever since i've been online, but i'm glad to hear that you gave her another chance. i really hope everything works out the way you want it to. 3 good luck...again..lol
A
male
reader, Acer5100 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Acer5100 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not a religious person, but I did end up forgiving her. I decided that life is too short to lose people that you care about unnecessarily. Of course, if she hurts me again I will have to cut all ties. However, we talked last week for almost an hour after work and it felt great. She was ecstatic that I forgave her. It was good to have that connection back.
One thing she said that a part of me wish she didn't was that she told me she almost ended things with her boyfriend. When I asked why she didn't, she answered that she invested so much into the relationship over the years. I understand that, but how much can one person emotionally invest and not get a fair return?
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I'm going to follow my heart one more time. Thanks again for the feedback!
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A
female
reader, kryssy +, writes (31 May 2011):
well, i don't know your religion, but if you are a man of God, he says you should forgive 1 person 490 times. (70 x 7) but i understand that you dont want to get hurt, and it may sound to me that she might be trying to figure out what she really wants and needs in her life. maybe she needs a little bit of time to sort out her priorities...then maybe after a little bit of time, you can slowly start to come forth..and show her that even after all of that, you will still be there for her. through anything. that is, if you still want to be friends with her.
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A
male
reader, Acer5100 +, writes (30 May 2011):
Acer5100 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Kryssy,Thanks for the kind words! Well, I hope I won't have to continue writing like this here or in a journal. The thing is, I don't think she will ever leave him. She said yesterday that she didn't want to hurt him because he's a great guy, which I understand and respect. I don't want to wait around and fall into the trap of having a false sense of hope that I have a chance. It's funny, I remembered a scene from the U.S. version of 'The Office' between Jim and Michael. Jim was telling Michael all the great qualities about Pam, who's already in a relationship, and Michael simply says: "Well, if you like her so much, don't give up."Unfortunately, life doesn't play out like on TV. If only it were that easy. I still want to be friends with M, but I don't want to get hurt again. I guess it's the risk I take if I forgive her.
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A
female
reader, kryssy +, writes (29 May 2011):
i support you 100%. you are not being childish, but i think that maybe you should keep a journal, if you don't want to keep doing this, lol. but i beleive that her boyfriend is too controlling, and it sounds like a bad relationship. i think that she might be stuck in the relationship that she doesn't want, but she doesn't want to get rid of either. you said she has been in a relationship with him for a long time, maybe she has relied on it. and she might just need help getting out of it. good luck
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