A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am really at a loss right now. I have been with my s/o for three years. Im 22 he's 24. The first months were bliss of course but shortly after that the fighting began and...it has never stopped! For three years we have been fighting, making up, breaking up, in love, out of love. Its...exhausting. But its also how our relationship works :? Even when we try not to fight, something always happens, someone always gets mad, and then the cycle begins all over again. Lately though I feel him shutting down on me. I will admit that I have been the one starting the fights lately. And sometimes I get mad over ridiculous things that don't matter. But its because I am so unhappy with him. We have a four month old that I've pretty much raised without him until about a month ago. I feel that he is shutting down because he never wants to spend time together anymore, he always wants to be with his single guy friends, and he has recently been talking about going clubbing and drinking, etc. This is a guy who I could hardly get off the couch a year ago. I am frustrated because no matter what I do (be there for him, ignore him, spoil him, be mean, be sweet) he has resigned to this...i dont care attitude.But when I try to break things off because I see this change in him, he claims I am making this up in my head and begs me to stay with him. He is annoyingly persistent so I cant ignore him for long. Its almost like its impossible to leave him. He will even use our son as an excuse to come to my house and romance me. And I fall for it every time. I love him dearly and I want him to be the same guy but...he is not. What is a young mother to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): "For three years we have been fighting, making up, breaking up, in love, out of love. Its...exhausting. But its also how our relationship works :? "
Well then it means your relationship is all wrong and shouldn't be continued. What you describe truly is the wrong way for a relationship to work. (which says something about whether this relationship is meant to be or not, dont' you think.) ...when you insist on continuing this kind of "relationship" you end up where you are now - him shutting down, and you feeling the way you do. you could be in for even more pain and wasted energy and wasted life if you continue this.
you just need to have enough guts to move on and stop wasting your time on unrealistic hopes. you've already got 3 years worth of evidence how it's going to turn out the next time you take him back, what more do you need to finally accept reality?
A REAL relationship should not be so much "work" or so much pain and frustration, it is more like a cancer which is part of your body yet doesn't mean it belongs there but should be removed or it will kill you. But unlike with many types of cancer, you do actually have the power to stop it anytime and move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): "For three years we have been fighting, making up, breaking up, in love, out of love. Its...exhausting. But its also how our relationship works :? "It's how you're relationship DOESN'T work. "I am making this up in my head and begs me to stay with him. He is annoyingly persistent so I cant ignore him for long. Its almost like its impossible to leave him."He's a controlling manipulative jerk who knows exactly whicj buttons to push and which strings to pull in order to get you to do exactly what HE wants."He will even use our son as an excuse to come to my house and romance me. And I fall for it every time. I love him dearly and I want him to be the same guy but..."Sorry, but he knows you're dumb, vain and shallow enough that all he needs to do is fawn over you, flatter you, and tell you what to hear and you will dismiss his past emotional abuse and controlling behavior towards you. That's NOT "love" by any stretcb of the imagination."he is not. What is a young mother to do?"A young mother should start behaving like a RESPONSIBLE young mother and start putting her four-month-old son's long-term future and continued emotional well-being ahead of her fantasies by realizing the cold unvarnished reality that bf is NOT a suitable father if he only uses the kid as a pawn to weasel his way back into your affections but otherwise ignores his son. Use your brains and grow a backbone, rely on your common sense and good judgment, start teaching your son morals and values because otherwise you will be setting a very bad example for your four-month-old son who will grow up believing it's not only acceptable but ecpected that men walk all over their women and ignore their children, and he will behave exactly the same way because you did not teach him otherwise. Contact local domestic violence shelter or hotline to get information, help and support you need to make clean, safe and final break from this jerk by understanding tactics he's using against you and learning to respect yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): I think all the fighting is having him exauhsted to. And having a baby can add stress to both parents also. I think when ever you feel like your about to yell at him over a small thing just think about it first, is it really worth arguring about it? try to cut guys some slack aha i know how they can be and its a pain in the butt, but we just gatta learn to work with it. Instead of yelling at him, just calmly explain why your upset and if he doesnt wanna lisen or saying stuff thats making you more upset dont get frustrated, it takes time for men to understand some things. And aslo have you tried like sparking up the relationship? like little ways to remind eachother after everything youve been through why its all worth it? like maybe a date or a movie, or even more lovin? maybe you should try making it interseting in the bedroom, if you know what it mean! aha sometimes after being in a relationship for a while and dealing with stress and argueing it takes a toll after and while, and now that you have a baby together you need to think about that to, you wanna try really hard to make things right and to keep your family together, it may be hard but it pays off in the end, if if you gatta learn to be more patient with him or do something for him that he can look foward to and remind him why he loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): BOTH of you need to grow up, learn how to conduct yourselves better, learn how to control yourselves better, and develop better emotional strength. what I mean is this.1. it takes two to have a relationship so you can't blame everything on him. You have played a role in maintaining this relationship, EVEN IF your role was simply to continue staying with him DESPITE being so unhappy with him. If you're that unhappy with someone and you believe you've done everything you can do and it's now up to them to change and they still don't, then it's better to end the relationship than to continue to CHOOSE to drag it out. So what if he doesn't want to end the relationship? You can make your own decisions.2. You can choose not to start fights. There are other options - learning how to be calmer and behave in ways that will encourage the other person to be more compassionate to you by starting out being compassionate to them. If you just can't do this, because the other person riles you up sooo much or for whatever other reason, then you're better off breaking up for good rather than choosing to start yet another fight.2. Of course he's shutting down on you now. This is a normal response to being extremely unhappy with your partner and relationship. His mistake is in not leaving you when he's obviously so unhappy with you too. Relationships that consist of repeated break ups then getting back together then breaking up again, are highly dysfunctional and toxic. Clearly it's not a good relationship that's working out (if it was there wouldn't be break ups). And yet both people refuse to end it because they are too weak or afraid to move on and take better care of themselves.You can't change what he chooses to do. if he wants to continue this relationship (if it were up to him) that's his problem. but you can make decisions for yourself and decide to permanently end this relationship regardless of what he claims he wants. And then you need to figure out where you went wrong that you were in this kind of relationship to begin with - what behaviors and attitudes were your own doing that helped to create and maintain the mess. Then you can learn how to make your next relaitonship better.When people shut down on their partner yet refuse to end the relationship, don't mistake their wanting to stay as a sign that they love you. It's simply a fear of change that makes them cling to the status quo. While at the same time, shutting down is a sign they actually no longer want you and you can bet that if the "right" opportunity or new person were to come into the picture that would then make them feel less afraid of change, they would leave you. Right now he doesn't see a better concrete option than you so that's why he stays even though he's shut down towards you. But some day he might find a better option if he meets someone new, and THEN he will leave because it's clear that he doesn't actually like this relationship very much. So why bother waiting until this happens? Why not resolve to act proactively rather than reactively?Notice I'm not suggesting ways that you can try to work this out, because I feel that relationships with repeated break ups and make ups just are not going to get resolved permanently they will either some day end permanently anyway or else it will stay like this forever. I think you just need to resolve to permanently end this toxic relationship once and for all, and make a new start for yourself and reflect on how you can avoid this happening in your next relationship.
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A
female
reader, CatalinMaura +, writes (28 May 2012):
Honey, your unhappy. You even admit it. Obviously, it's not working. I mean, if you're constantly fighting, and you're even noticing yourself starting the fights, obviously something is making you upset. Fights are healthy for relationships. But not the constant ones that never get followed by apologies. It's hard to tell whether or not either of you care about eachother. From the looks of things, the relationship is too unconsistent, almost like you aren't being yourself but, instead, your constantly changing to try and meet his needs, to get him to love you or feel something. You shouldn't have to do that. You need to calm down, be yourself, talk to him about it, and find out if he's really in love and if it's the real you he's in love with. If not, end it. Find someone who makes you happy and loves you for you and can have fun with you without the annoyce and nagging.Especially if you feel like it's impossible to leave, get out right away, before things really go wrong and it REALLY gets tough.To sum up: You two cannot seem to make each other happy, to be yourselves with each other, or to keep anything consistent or smooth. He is changed, he's clingy and annoying, he upsets you, frustrates you, but does he really prove to you how much he SAYS he "loves" you and needs you?
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