A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 36 and he's 28 when we met and start dating everything was cool and going great. After we end up in a relationship later down the line, I was even more happy. Making a long story a little short, he now stay with me and my 14 year old son. He smoke a lot and now my home doesn't smell fresh anymore but it only smell like smoke all the time and sometimes the smoke gets to me(I'm not a smoker). I knew he smoked when we met but he smoke soooo much of the cheap weed that you buy in the pack and cigerates to the fact that I ask him to smoke outside or in the bathroom. Well since we have been arguing lately about him helping me out he feels as tho he can talk to me any kind of way and I can't speak my mind which I do say what I have to say. He works about 72 hours a week, 6 days a week. He drives trucks and deliver appliances for Sears, he gets paid under the table and he gets paid weekly. All I ask him to pay is the water and the cable bill. I lost my job of 10 years last year and when I met him I wasn't working. He didn't have a problem with me not working back then but he has stated it's a problem now which was doing a arguement. I stay in public housing which I get help with my rent and 1 of my utility. He think that my mom is helping me pay my bills which I dont want to tell him any different cause he might feel that he shouldnt give me more money. He gives me gas money and maybe an extra $30 and he sometimes buy eat out food maybe 3 times a week. I been looking for a job for months and I haven't had much luck. I don't drink, smoke, nor club,I'm a clean freak when it comes to my home,I cook, wash all the clothes I fold his clothes and put them up, I iron his work clothes and lay them out for him. He feel that he is giving me his all and he feels that he is doing so much in the household fiancially which he really isn't. I was doing great before he came into my life and I know God will continue to bless me even thou I dont work. He makes $500-$865 a week depending on if he works out of town(Im nosie I look at his check stubs). All I ask is that he gives me $100 a week so I can buy whatever is needed for the house and his ass just laughs. I love him so much and he loves me, I really want to make our relationship work because he is really a good guy overall but I think he need guidance on how to take on the responsibility of a household.I have 1 child and I'll be dam if I take care of a grown man, which I've told him and he started to get smart all of a sudden. His family and friends likes me alot and my family like him alot. I have a strong backbone and I refuse to let anyone talk to me any kind of way and I refuse to let any guy come into my household and disrespect me nor my son. He leaves at 6:30am and he comes homes 7,8 or 9pm, I understand that he be tired,sore and hungry when he get home from work but I feel like he doesn't want to take care of me like he use to. I have distance myself from around him cause im so sad and the communication between us now, he says he can take his stuff and leave and he's been saying lately I wont find better and that the next time we argue that he is going to leave which he is telling me as he say he's telling me upfront as we are communicating. I have prayed so many nights that God bring peace to the household and I'm trying to prove to him that I'm not just wanting to walk out of his life like all the other older women he's been with have. But it's like if I don't cater to him which I have slacked up a little,he feel as tho now he can tell me what he is not going to do "In My Own House", like he told me he is not about to stop smoking in the bedroom which he still does. Please help me out and give me some insight on what I may be doing wrong or what do you all think that I can do to help my relationship. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2013):
 Maybe the other women walked out because he mistreats them the way he mistreats you?
My husband is not supposed to smoke in our house but he does. ON THE OTHER HAND, what's mine is his and what's his is mine... that means 100% of his paycheck goes to running the home. Same as mine.
IF you are living in public housing with him I assume you have Section 8 Subsidy. IF you get CAUGHT with him in your home, you will lose your subsidy.
If you are only asking for a little to avoid confrontation and you don't want to leave him, I would rather, set it up to have him leave you.
go home and tell him that he must now give you 50% of his paycheck for room and board and cleaning (you do his laundry too) and if he balks tell him "look I love you and i want this to work but this is what I need from you and if you want to say NO that's fine but then YOU are choosing to leave and that's fine."
this way you get more money or you get the leeching mooch to move.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): Kick him out!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 *Sometimes a man doesn’t know what his partner is worth until they are gone…
If he thinks he can do better than $100.00/week plus utilities he is bluffing himself! I believe you are fair and respectful of him as a provider (of sorts) whilst he is at work; you maintain the household and tend to his needs – cooking, laundry etc. That to me is what one does as a trade off when the other is not employed…
Given that he was aware of you not working; situations do change, but the reason behind him wanting you to work is for what purpose? From experience; I have my own home, my then partner would stupidly say I should get a job to know how he feels when he comes home tired etc. However, when he came home, he wanted for nothing because I too, like you happily do the cooking, laundry etc :) But if his motive was to ease ‘his finances’, I would have swiftly reminded him there is no mortgage here thanks to ME (a huge weight off anyone’s shoulders)!? So if you don’t appreciate my worth and contribution, go and see how $450.00/week for rent plus cooking etc for yourself sounds! *
And as much as this can be a bug bare for ‘some’ men when their partner is unemployed. They don’t see or appreciate what they’re getting in return unless they can put a dollar value to it!? Plus you should not be catering to him by proving you are better than those of his past. You are not them and should not be treated as such! That is how he gets away with smoking in the bedroom and doing as he pleases, as there just excuses for his bad behaviour/attitude.
As for him threatening to leave; this may be a defensive mechanism in him, a temper tantrum or about how he’s feeling. You are best to seek the cause of this feeling and nip this game in the bud. For me; one either stays or can go, there’s none of this emotional blackmail with me!
Take Care – CAA
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