A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a professionalI in my late 20’s, dating another professional of the same age. We have been dating elusively now for ten months. We met each other randomly during a dance lesson. He is busy due to his occupation and works 60 to 80 hours a week easily. I am very patient and understanding of this situation. However, I am starting to feel frustrated and paranoid with the situation for a number of valid reasons. The feeling is intensified once I started to look more closely at our relationship and we have to been togaher for a while now. Plus he lives literally 5 minutes down the street from me. Although he claims we are in a “relationship” it seems hollow.I have not been introduced to any of his friend or colleagues. He has lived in this city for three years now..He says that he does not have any since he works so much.We don’t get to hang out very often due to his schedule. However, whether we go to the movies or hang out at his place we end up in bedHe often goes dancing once a week but does not invite me.4. We always make plans spur of the moment. He says that he does not have control over his work schedule. He says that he does not want to get too close. He is afraid of getting hurt due to a past relationship.6. I only know the basics of his life. We talk almost every night if we do not see each other. However, I do not know any of the names of his friends or family. Overall, I really do not know that much about him in general. He knows more about me then I know about him....(Yes I know ...sad). I have came to the conclusion that he is either emotionally unavailable or he is using our relationship for easy sex. I extremely attracted to him and this is my driving force for wanting to get to know him for him. However, after knowing him for 10 months I know so little about him. I am being silly, naive and destructive. It feels like false words of “relationship” are muttered only to falsely blind me and give me false security. I feel a full range of emotions: sad, used, manipulated, distrustful, and hurt. I think there is clear evidence to warrant my feelings and this relationship can not grow. Is this “relationship” a relationship? It is worth salvaging? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Original Poster, hello, it's Jilly here. I've just read your follow up, and my feelings are you need to take control of your own life, as this guy seems to be controlling it for you right now.
Sorry, but as I read through, and you say, he lives less than ten minutes away, and weekends you only spend 'FOUR hours together, you hardly go out, most of the time is spent being intimate..Whooaa...put the breaks on, because he is becoming accustomed to doing as he pleases, and you permitting this, just allows him to think although you 'ask' may be complain a bit about the set up - YOU still deliver, you're still there, so WHY would he change he is getting everything his way and when he wants.
Four hours over a 48 hour weekend does not constitute a proper relationship - what does he do the rest for the time, please don't say, you don't know. This is an arrangement of advantages for him, as you clearly are not happy.
You must tell him straight and to the point, without being overly emotional, what you require form a relationship, what you expect, boundaries are. Then IF he does not wish to step up to meet you, then you have the answer, he is happy the way it is, wants no more contact, so you must decide IF you can go on with it.
As I say,I experienced the same myself a while back, and it had to end, it was unhealthy and was like living 'Groundhog Day' continuously. It was stagnant without growth, I'm sure you know what I mean.
Be strong, say what you want..don't lose yourself over this!
Jilly x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Jilly for your kind advise. I think I will talk to him & not expect too much. I hate it when people are selfish and waste their time as well as yours. Life is too short for "games". I hope you are able to write again. I need someone to help me see the light and how to coop with this horrible reality but in a kind manner.
The last time I briefly talked with him about spending more time together he said he wanted things to grow naturally. He felt like I was being unreasonable and trying to "push". However, everyone knows when someone really likes you they will find time to squeeze you in at some point. This is the point I simply pointed out to him. I have been in many relationships but this one is the worse (I did not include that in the conversation). I really want something to grow but nothing has under these circumstances.
Last night was really horrible and I was really upset. I had a hard time sleeping. A week ago I told him I wanted to do more couple like things. In part I wanted to go dancing with him. He has danced for years to socialize and relax on Friday nights. He goes to the place where we first met. I try to give him space since he works so much because I do not want to smoother him...A few weeks ago a friend told me he thought is was funny because whenever I am there he is not there and vis versa. This got my mind thinking.
Last night he went but he didn't even invite me despite my request ( typically he does hie thing & I do my own thing on Friday nights). An hour after leaving a voice message he called me to let me know he was out and about dancing. He told me he was about to leave at 10:30pm but did not offer to stop by. He did say I could text or call if I wanted. I texted him, "I hope you got home okay", an hour after talking to him since he was complaining it was slippery and cold outside. It was 12:50 and he texted "no". We texted back and forth. He eventually called me and said that he was about to leave but then the started playing his favorite song. I was so upset but I did not let him know because he would say I was over reacting.
He then asked me if I was working the following day. I said "no". He said okay I will meet you at 7pm but I want to stay in because it is cold. I asked him if we could spend more time together and he said pretty much said “no”. With the concept of if we spend all our time together it is not special. On the weekends we spend only four hours together and he lives less then ten minutes down the street. We do not go out often and spend time intimately together. At this point I am feeling like I am stuck in the movie, “He is Just Not Into You” as Gigi.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): have u seen "sex & the city " ?
he's your "Big"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): "after knowing him for 10 months I know so little about him"
This is the problem, he's got something he doesn't want you to know, probably a lot of somethings.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Have you said ALL that you've written here to him?
I think you have very valid concerns, as you are right he is demonstrating typical ' Mr. Unavailable tactics' control mechanisms to keep you at arms length. But of course I am only able to go on a few lines you've written here. However, for me, the alarm bells would be ringing very loudly ( apart from the rest) when he told you " He doesn't want to get close, due to being hurt in a previous relationship "
He is actually forewarning you in a way of this, so if you go ahead and become available to him as and when he wants, he feels less guilty. Do things on the hop, spur of the moment is very tactic of the 'Unavailable man' as he has total control over when he sees you, how much time he spends with you, always just enough to keep YOU ticking over, but never enough for the 'relationship' to grow and flourish, for that you have 'share the everyday things together' become part of each others lives ( family, friends, home being open house to each other)
10 months is certainly together long enough for you to have been at least introduced to some friends and family. As for him saying he doesn't have any friends, well that is another alarm bell. Once again the 'unavailable' emotionally tend to have fleeting, surface friendships more acquaintances than long term friends. It's always good when you date someone who has perhaps got friends from high-school, or someone from their childhood, it shows they do build and can build strong relationships.
The best thing is for YOU to discuss this with him, and if you really feel you are not getting what you are putting into this relationship, or you can't see him changing, as 10 months is a long time for him not to be opening up to you, you will have to decide whether this is enough, and if not, I'm afraid you will not be able to change him, that he has to do himself. You may have to face the alternative, find a man who is ready and willing to be in an equally loving relationship.
I really wish well on this one,I experienced similar myself a few years back.
Jilly
...............................
|
