A
male
age
30-35,
*haun9885
writes:Please help me. I am a 22 year old gay man and in a dilemma of love vs career. About 14 months ago I graduated from university with a degree. I decided then to move back home temporarily with my parents from my student life in another city, whilst I found a job related to my degree in the the alternate area. During this time I met my boyfriend, which I had craved for a long time prior. As a result love blossomed between the two of us and I decided to stay put in the same city and try find a degree related job there. Two months into our relationship and I was still struggling to find anything significant, or if I did I was short listed and that was it. Therefore I had no option but to take a temping role as a clerk for my local council, something completely unrelated to what I wanted to do. At first I was adamant this was only for a few months whilst I sorted myself out. One year later and I'm still doing the same thing!During the year though my relationship was the steady component in my life, making me feel loved and the two of us whole. Having a relationship was something I had always wanted so badly, since the gay lifestyle had left me feeling like I was going to be single forever! Zoom on until the present day and we have had some great times and some not so great times but have worked through them. The relationship has now, I feel, levelled out and I currently feel no progression in it. Things have become very routine, which is good because I like routine, but also bad because I'm getting bored and now turning my attentions back to my job and thinking, what am I doing! However I realise that this is something that happens to most couples but can easily be worked on to create that bit of spontaneity needed.As a results I am now questioning everything. I want to have a better life and work in a much bigger city with the lifestyle that comes with it, but also have my boyfriend there too. I have asked him would he ever consider moving with me, but always tells me that he is settled, has a mortgage, etc, which is strange because he also dislikes his jobs and always wishes he could be doing something else. I feel we are in the same position with the same aspiration regarding our jobs, but what separates us is our drive to actually go out and get what we each want. he would much rather wallow, whilst I can pick myself up and try again. If only I could persuade him to let go slightly and take a risk.Consequently I am in this quandary, do I, one - stay in this relationship where we both love each other dearly and continue to find a job in one place that suits both of us, two - try to convince my boyfriend to up sticks and take a journey with me into unknown territory, or three - end the relationship and pursue my career goals? Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it's quiet lengthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): This is unbelivable, you are in my shoes!!! This is my story: My current job is unsatisfactory and I decided to apply in another country. I talked with my boyfriend about moving with me and he just said "first get the job". I got the job and then he finally said "no". I was devastated of being without him and decided not to take the job and look for another job in my current city just because I loved my boyfriend and wanted to be with him. A month later, I landed a new job (in my current city not the onoe abroad) and found out that my boyfriend cheated on me after almost 2 years dating. You have not n idea how much I regreat my decision of turning down that job abroad? As Cindy said above, boyfriends come and go!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I vote for solution number 3. Boyfriends come and go, and careers ( not just " jobs " ) last. Maybe I am cynical, but... you are only 22 , it's natural if now maybe you feel that if you have a lousy job in a boring place , but a great boyfriend, it all evens out and life is treating you well. Chances are , you definitely won't feel the same at 52. And your current's bf love won't pay for YOUR mortgage , bonuses, pension , and savings for retirement years, etc. Besides, there is the important aspect of personal fulfillment and self realization." A mind is a terrible thing to waste " and all that , personally I don't think you should betray yourself in order to be loyal to a partner... whom basically you are beginning to get bored with, too.
You can try to persuade him, of course- asking is always legitimate. But , you cannot force him, and I am sure you would not want to. Maybe ,alas, you simply have different ideas about what you need to live a gratifying , fulfilling life, therefore you are heading in different directions, along different paths. If this is the case, as it is probable, might as well aknowledge it now.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 September 2012):
 I think you should try and work on getting your boyfriend to move with you, before you call it quits. Perhaps your boyfriend doesnt realise how serious you are about moving, often people talk the talk but dont follow through so he may not actually realise how serious you are about this matter.
If he is unhappy in his job he might consider moving if he knows you are serious, and a mortgage is not an excuse not to move - he can sell his house and get a mortgage on a new house in another city. Yes it is hassle, so you will have to be sympathetic to the issues he will face with regards to his house (the economy is still not great and selling houses is harder than ever, he may even lose money if he is in negative equity at the moment).
I think you should start looking for jobs in other cities, apply and then if you get offered an interview for one of these jobs that is when you should being it up with your boyfriend. That will really show him that you are serious and you 100% want to relocate. I'm sure if he loves you as much as you love him, he will realise that this could be best for both of you and moving cities is not worth losing you over.
But if he is really stubborn and refuses to move, I think that puts you in a really difficult position. If I were you, unfulfilled in my job and slowly becoming more unfulfilled in my relationship, I would choose my career over the relationship because you would end up resenting your partner so strongly for holding you back the relationship would come to an end anyway.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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